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My issue had never been the work. It’d been the motivation to do the work, finding the drive to finish a degree I wasn’t going to use. I didn’t have a natural inclination to focus on the future. Why would I when the present was far more entertaining?
“There is no world in which Lincoln Hill would ever turn down a chance to work with you.”
Couples were cute when they were coupling in their own space—conceptual, theoretical couples. Couples too far away to remind you you were probably going to end up in a house by the sea alone…though honestly, that didn’t sound too bad. I couldn’t imagine myself entangled with someone long enough to want to share a house by the sea with them. So, knowing deep down that I couldn’t envision being someone’s “other half,” witnessing romantic love firmly placed it on my list of awkward social experiences I preferred to avoid.
I tried to smile as I picked at my nail beds behind my back.
Therapists always suggested writing things down. I never liked spending extra time in my head. I lived, ate, and slept within the four walls of my mind.
Rainy afternoons breed terrible poetry on nostalgia.
It’s difficult to fake the need to look at books when she was here. Celeste was in my favorite store, holding my favorite book, and wearing my favorite color ribbons around her jean loops. Every time I’ve seen her in jeans, they include some type of bow. Today’s color was green. The ribbons reminded me of a jersey, and I couldn’t help but wonder what she’d look like in a Mendell Hawks hockey jersey. My jersey.
In her quiet, Celeste was her own person. She didn’t have to run her mouth like yours truly to be seen or heard. I couldn’t imagine her walking into a room unnoticed.
Though I enjoyed the entertainment of a back-and-forth, silence wasn’t always terrible if you liked the company you were in. If it were anyone else, I would have said my goodbyes and forgotten about the whole exchange. I’d never do that with her. Any second Celeste had to spare, I selfishly wanted.
The possibility of making her laugh made my chest heavy with anticipation.
“This entire series deserves the book equality of an Oscar,” I said hoarsely. “Pulitzer?” “Bless you,” I murmured while still staring at the familiar characters on the page. Celeste laughed again. “No…um, the Oscar for books. I think it’d be a Pulitzer.”
LOL
I didn’t think I was lonely before, but with her here, I wondered if that had been the case. If all along, I wanted someone to get lost with in a bookstore.
“The colors you choose for your eyeliner. Rainy days are yellow. Sunny days are pink. Purple when there’s something big happening in the community center. That’s when I know an event’s coming up and you’re in charge of prep. Then there’s…”
he notices 🥺
“Hi,” I said to the flute, realizing I hadn’t offered a greeting. “How’s it going?”
He’s talking to an instrument 😭
“Show me how to make both?” I asked.
They had valid reasons to waver, to feel the weight of the world on their shoulders and want to take detours to escape the pain.
My gaze remained on the marble countertop, tracing the cloudy shapes and wishing this were an easier conversation. Wishing I believed in myself enough to feel worthy of wanting anything, including hockey.
:(
I wanted someone to notice me. Not my music, me. Not someone. Lincoln. Just Lincoln.
Who would want to work with someone incapable of being normal enough to go outside without spiraling into a self-loathing cyclone? Who would want to be with someone like me?
The idea someone who writes good music, earns good grades, and is charming was a myth.
can't be all three 🤧
I really wanted to be able to have a back-and-forth with him. Come up with witty things to say and flirt back. Instead, I hit a wall I couldn’t climb.
I didn't know how to do this. What was the next step after wanting someone? Surely not telling them. No, not immediately…but what if they'd wanted you first? He had wanted me first, right?
"Is this because of me?" I brushed my thumb across his chest, referencing his racing heart. "Always." He still looked everywhere but my face. My stomach was overwhelmed with butterflies. "Still?" He chuckled, embarrassed. "Yes. It never stopped. Never went away."
Envy clawed at my throat as they made plans to go to some party. I wasn’t just jealous of their social competence, but their ability to step into their next moment of the day without so much as the need to reflect. Without the incessant pull to nitpick every little decision they’d made with a fine-tooth comb until their soul bled.
Lincoln and I were building something. A world in which being seen wasn't synonymous with performing. Because that’s who we were at the end of the day, two people trying their best to put on a show that would protect us from looming shame. The stage was much less intimidating with company.
It was still unclear whether her agreeing to go out was a dream. Regardless, I was determined to make sure I enjoyed every second, even if the edges began to blur and I woke up in disappointment.
the lamp...
"That's her?" he asked. "Yeah." It was hard to breathe in the best way possible. "That's Celeste."
"Every day. A woman like her deserves flowers." I smiled and nodded. Because that was the least a guy could do for a woman like her. Celeste deserved all the flowers on every inch of the mountainside.
"I will always want us," I promised. "Doesn't matter if it's today, months, or decades from now. I will always want you."
"Do you ever think there will come a day when you understand the magnitude of how much I'm into you?"
"Celeste, everything about you makes me feel like I'm taking both my first and last breath. Every semblance of chill doesn't exist when I hear your name."
the way i would melt
"You don't have to figure out where you fit, Lincoln," Sam said. "Because it's here. With us. No matter where we move or how we change, this right here is solid ground. Understood?"
i would cry.
I'd found a way to love me in all my misshapen, not fitting in, on-the outside-looking-in glory. In this little life, that's all one could ask for.
i THINK i like this little life
"I'd wait till the sun burned out for a simple response because you are one of the most genuine people I've met. You think your quiet's a flaw when all I see is a person who doesn't put on a mask to entertain people. So many people make noise, but you, Celeste, know how to build something in the silence."
