An Absolutely Remarkable Thing (The Carls, #1)

by Hank Green

And that was a job at a doomed start-up funded by the endless well of rich people who can only dream the most boring dream a rich person can dream: being even more rich.

You’re a digital girl, April, in a digital world. We all know how to perform.”

my mind likes clutter. It’s almost like I need to make the world around me messy to make my art and ideas neat. Simplicity in design, complete disaster in everything else.

Much of the best art is about balancing between reflecting culture while simultaneously being removed from it and commenting on it. In the best case, maybe an artist gets to say something about culture that hasn’t been said and needs to be said.

But in those manic moments when I thought I could be some kind of vessel for truth, I’d thought about what I’d say if I someday got a soapbox. That income inequality is out of hand. That all people are pretty damn similar so it would be great if we stopped hating each other. That prison sentences for nonviolent crimes are dumb and that drug addiction is a health problem, not a crime problem.

“Y’know, you don’t have to hate everything, April.” “Have you ever seen the way I look at cheesecake?” “You know what I mean. Like, this is the only time in our lives anything this cool is ever going to happen, and you look mostly like you need to poop.” “Stop thinking about my poop.”

had had the thought before. When something is impossible to explain, you post the GIF of the guy with the hair saying, “ALIENS.” It’s just what you do.

You can only do so much pretending before you become the thing you’re pretending to be.

Please help me. I feel as if every page of unread emails removes a year from my life-span. With the following words I give you the power to save or destroy me: My password is ‘donkeyfart.’”

“Every time I play the scene in my head . . . I just can’t imagine asking Maya to move in with me. It’s like imagining dropping a penny through a lead brick. My brain won’t do it.”

Here are some tips if you too enjoy completely isolating yourself from the love of other humans because of deep, subconscious fears that you are unable to recognize even exist. If someone you regularly hook up with serves up an overly familiar pet name, double down on your return. Example: “Could you pass me the remote, baby?” “Yeah, here you go . . . pookie patchoopie.” When conversations head in directions that might result in your relationship being defined as a “relationship,” completely disregard all societal rules of conversation. Example: “Have you ever felt like this is . . . going somewhere?” “I wanna be the very best like no one ever was.” “Are you singing the Pokémon theme song?” Be prepared, at a moment’s notice, to mercilessly and cruelly distance yourself from people who you care about and need more than oxygen. Example: “So, April, my mom is going to come visit.” “Cool.” “Do you think you should, like, meet her?” “I live here, don’t I?”

Basically, do your best to mock and deride their connection to and appreciation of you because, deep down, you dislike yourself enough that you cannot imagine anyone worthwhile actually wanting to be with you. I mean, if they like you, there must be something wrong with them, right?

Just because someone has power over you doesn’t mean they’re going to use it to hurt you. People who believe that tend to either be: People who have been victims of that sort of behavior, or . . . People who, if given power, will use it to hurt you.

In the end, my brand was me, so whatever I said became something I believed.

@AprilMaybeNot: They pay me in PopTarts. So. Many. PopTarts. Why did I sign this deal? I have a problematic number of PopTarts.

There were ten thousand moments in a hundred days when I wanted to hang it all up and hide.

It’s so much harder to actually define yourself and work to imagine the best possible future than it is to tear down others’ ideas.

Fear is an even better fuel than anger. Also, it is even more destructive.

“Look, Officer, I understand that you’re doing your job, but she’s been stabbed and I don’t know what to do. Could we please get some help?” Then I pipe up, nearly shouting, “I concur!” which causes a fresh wave of stars in my vision. I have no idea why I can’t ever shut the fuck up. That’s what I should’ve named this book.

I always say, add up all the time every other president has spent golfing and tell me that my shuffleboard habit is bad for America.”

“I think the Carls, maybe they didn’t pick you because of who you were but because of who you could become.” “That’s a nice thing to say, though I don’t know that I love who I’ve become.” “Maybe you’re not done yet.”

It wasn’t even a question in my mind, we had the procedure down and I was going to do what I’d been told. I was tired of making big decisions and I was especially tired of screwing everything up when I made them.

We are each individuals, but the far greater thing is what we are together, and if that isn’t protected and cherished, we are headed to a bad place.