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“Behold the field in which I grow my fucks. Lay thine eyes upon it and see that it is barren.”
That night was probably the best night’s sleep I had until after I died.
Girl what
The thing that makes this weirder is that the static that the security cameras recorded wasn’t random. The cameras that were recording audio—every one that the news has gotten their hands on has an undertone of static that is very clearly, if you turn it up loud enough, ‘Don’t Stop Me Now’ by Queen.”
Good song choice though
I was about to get a crash course. Here’s the first thing I learned: TV news spends lots of time and money looking impressive because it is not actually impressive.
A crash course, you say?
I don’t like that everyone has a price, but ultimately you do, and it turns out that mine is below $30,000 an hour.
I mean, astute
“When you’re faced with something you don’t understand, I think the most natural thing but also the least interesting thing you can be is afraid,”
Knowing something is a bad idea does not always decrease the odds that you will do it.
“OK, we need to do quite a lot of work very fast. How are you two feeling?” Putnam asked. “Terrible!” I said. “Like I got fucked by a demon!” Andy added. His dad looked displeased. Jennifer Putnam did not. “Well, I guess that’s what we’re working with!” she said.
That’s the spirit!
Hollywood Carl, on the other hand, showed up in front of Grauman’s Chinese Theatre on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, one of the city’s major tourist spots and probably the most heavily trafficked pedestrian spot in LA.
Hey I’ve been there!
Carl’s hand—as big as a dinner plate—hit the cement, flipped itself over so its fingers touched the ground, and then it ran.
UHHHHH
“Just because you can’t imagine something doesn’t mean you can’t do it,” he said.
Good advice tbh
And I’m telling you this because I want you not to hate me. You’re probably going to hate me in a couple of pages, and I’m giving you a well-rounded understanding of my psychological turbulence so that you will hate me less.
Reading the reviews, this did not work. Worked on me though
I got the impression that she was unsurprised that I had turned out to be exactly what she expected me to be.
“The president of the United States?” just to clarify. “That’s the one. She is going to be calling you soon.”
Oh wow, huh
Before Carl, Peter Petrawicki was a low-level conservative hawk “journalist,” which I put in quotation marks because he seems to have never done a moment of research in his life.
So he’s a republican
His perspective was ludicrous for a number of pretty obvious reasons. First, if the Carls wanted to destroy us, as we had both agreed, they could do it instantaneously. Just because someone has power over you doesn’t mean they’re going to use it to hurt you. People who believe that tend to either be: People who have been victims of that sort of behavior, or . . . People who, if given power, will use it to hurt you.
Yeah ok I was right
“Uh, can you understand me?” Nothing happened. “One tap for yes, two taps for no. Can you understand me?” Two taps. “WHAT?!” I literally screamed.
Carl’s got jokes!!
I have no idea why I can’t ever shut the fuck up. That’s what I should’ve named this book. I Have No Idea Why I Can’t Ever Shut the Fuck Up: The April May Story.
That also would’ve been an apt title
“Am I going to be OK?” “Interestingly, that is another thing we’re not supposed to talk about. If I say you are, and then you aren’t, you could sue me.” “Oh. Well . . .” I thought for a second. “If a person were in your ambulance with exactly my symptoms, would you be concerned about their future ability to be alive?” She smiled. “I would not be.”
Ok this EMT is my favorite character
“April, Martin Bellacourt’s bones and organs and blood—everything except his skin—are now, as far as our best people can tell at the moment, grape jelly.” Long pause . . . “Grape jelly?” I asked.
An odd choice but a choice nonetheless
“What do you want me to look like, a movie star in a hospital bed? A hero?” And then I was suddenly, actually angry, but I kept my voice low. “Like the Messiah or like Judas? Which one will sell more books, Jen?”
YEAH, fuck you jen!
“I think the Carls, maybe they didn’t pick you because of who you were but because of who you could become.” “That’s a nice thing to say, though I don’t know that I love who I’ve become.” “Maybe you’re not done yet.” I didn’t respond to that.
Maya reading April May to filth at every given opportunity
I read the whole thing through four or five times. Maya had never said “I love you” to me, she knew it would scare me off. Not responding felt like it would be one of the greatest betrayals I could commit. I didn’t respond.
Girl if she was here I’d slap her
I also want to thank every single person who ever says, “You have to read this book!” to a friend. I don’t care if it’s this book; I just want people to remind each other how wonderful books are.
Books are so wonderful. Welcome to the only sentence I’ve ever highlighted from an acknowledgement section
