Elf on the Edge (The Wynter Brothers #3)

by Alina Jacobs

“Wait, where are you going? I thought we were having sex,” I wail as he opens up the window and swings one leg out. “Excuse me?” He swivels back inside and pulls off the black mask. “Why in the hell would I have sex with you?” “Are you kidding me right now? Are you fucking—because you’re a fucking prostitute.” I’m sobbing now. “And I paid you a fuck-ton of money to pretend to be my boyfriend and to have sex with me.” His mouth drops open.

“Gumdrop.” He jumps back into the room, the soft shoes silent on the carpet. “You did what?” “You’re a high-end escort, but you really don’t live up to the promise.” I sniffle. I’m fishing for more mini bottles. Talbot slams the fridge door. “You really have drunk too much.” He cups my face. “Gumdrop. You paid me to assassinate your ex, Austen Langley. Remember?” “Assassinate? Like kill, kill? Or just like, you’re going to glitter-bomb him?” I squeak. “Yeah, ‘Grandma gets run over by a reindeer’ level of dead.”

“I just wanted a date.” “Well, I’m not fucking you, so…” He peers over the top of Cocoa’s head. “I paid you an ungodly amount of money, asshole.” I slap at him. Cocoa snaps at my hand. “I should at least get to see your dick. Ugh,” I groan. “I shouldn’t. It’s probably soaked in the blood of your victims.” “Gross. I don’t play with my food before I kill it.” He shrugs. “I’ll fuck girls on their period, though. I don’t give a fuck.” “Revolting.” “Like early period, even, when it’s Chunky Campbell’s.” “Stop talking.” I pinch the bridge of my nose. “We need to figure this out.” “We don’t need to do anything.” He kisses Cocoa’s furry face. “Last time I tried that, I got peed on.” I’m surly.

He mimes with the gun. “Or, shit, I could take out your granny. The mean one. Hey, I tell you what, Gumdrop. I’ll take out her and your crazy bigoted aunt instead of Austen. Two for one, and we can close this contract out, how’s that?” I flop on my back. “Maybe… gosh, I’m such a horrible sister.

“Is the GrandPam giving you a hard time, Misty?” Granny Keagan bustles in with a trolley full of beer. “You let her call me that in my own house?” Pamela demands. “You don’t live here. You’re like a bedbug, uninvited and unwanted, especially if it crawls out of your—” “I’m getting started on the food, Mom,” I say loudly.

“You can end this tonight.” He bops me on the nose with the ladle. “What’s Austen allergic to? Please say shellfish. EpiPens are fifty-fifty on those allergies. I can be on the slopes by tomorrow afternoon.”

“She met him online. I bet he’s just with her for a place to stay,” Brielle says nastily. “People meet people online these days,” Lucy screeches at Brielle. “Not everyone likes to shop for a husband in their sister’s bedroom.”

Maybe I should just use my BOGO assassination on myself. Treat yo’self, right?

I rev the chainsaw. No one’s paying me any mind. Often for a contract, I have to blend into the background by being a maintenance worker, a landscaper, or a janitor. No one ever notices the hired help. Mentally calculating the distance and angle I need, I chew a notch in the tree. The tree wobbles. A few feet away, Austen pulls at the handsaw with both hands. My tree cracks and slowly falls forward. I wait to kick it and give it that final push until I’m sure Austen will be right in the path. I’ll be on the plane to Colorado tonight. Misty’s reflexes are unexpected. She sees the tree tilt, hears the wood crack then split. Then she pounces, crying, “Austen!” and pushes him out of the way. He lands sputtering and cursing in a snowbank. The branches from the felled tree scrape her face, trailing sticky lines of sharp-smelling sap down her jacket. The snow from the needles showers her and Austen with cold ice. “Timberrrr!” I rock on my heels.

I snatch it from her. “I say this with all the love and kindness that I don’t hold in my heart for you, but Austen doesn’t love you. He doesn’t like you. He doesn’t want to marry you or move in with you, and probably at this point doesn’t even want to fuck you. And trust me, it’s not him, it’s definitely you. No man in their right mind would fall in love with you. Desperate and crazy just oozes out of you.” She jerks her hand away. I grab her before she can turn away from me. “Why was he with you? I don’t know if it’s because you gave great blow jobs or let him take you up the ass, and I really don’t care, because I’d rather fuck GrandPam than let you anywhere near my dick. You’re insane. Austen sees it. I see it. Cocoa sees it.”

“How can I not want him? He’s a handsome NHL captain.” “He’s generically handsome, yes, but he’s like a sex doll you buy off Instagram, and it shows up and you realize you got duped by an AI image and made an ill-advised, cheap-wine-fueled purchase. Then he shows up at your door, and now that sex doll is walking around and leaking fluids all over your couch.”

“You know, your granny wanted to take us all to a strip club. I thought that was a terrible idea, but now I’m up for anything that scrubs Austen and his greasy hair out of your life. Including Talbot. You have decent tits. They’re real. Talbot looks like an ass man anyway, and you have the hockey-girl ass. Ride him like a reindeer.”

I watch him go, the only man I ever loved. “How am I ever going to survive losing him?” I choke out. “Bottle of wine? Shotgun? I’m sure that hitman that you have on payroll could help.”

“You sabotaged it, didn’t you?” My ex grabs my arm. “You’re doing this on purpose. You’re ruining my life on purpose. Brielle is right; you’ve always been jealous of everyone in this family. You can’t stand to see other people successful.” “I helped you win the Reebok contract,” I remind him anxiously. “It was one lousy photoshoot. This was a multiyear campaign, and you couldn’t do one simple fucking—” There’s the whisper of a knife leaving the cutting block, then Talbot’s in front of me, blocking me from my ex, the hard muscles of his back pressing against my chest. “No, don’t stop on my account. Go ahead. Keep berating my girl.” “She’s my—” The knife presses into the soft skin under Austen’s chin before he can finish. “She-she-she—” Talbot mocks. “She’s your what?” Austen stammers. “She’s not your anything.” “She has to keep working for me. She promised.” Austen swallows hard. “Go hire someone or find your own fucking deal, because I’m tired of her spending so much time on you. Her free time now belongs to me, not you.” I can’t breathe watching the two men face off. “You’re sick,” Austen finally spits out. Talbot watches him go. “Now, where were we… ah, right. I think you’re annoying and overbearing and need to grow a pair.”

Misty scoots out a chair across from me and sets Cocoa on it. “Does the health department know what’s going on here?” “We’re a dog-friendly restaurant.” “Aaaannnnddd…” “And Granny Keagan is sleeping with the health inspector,” she grumbles. “There it is.”

“You can’t tell me that Austen is the best fuck you’ve ever had.” My eyes narrow. “Wait, or is he the only one you ever had?” “I’m not completely sheltered.” “That nutmeg in your pocket says otherwise,” I call after her.

“How about this place? Oh no.” He backtracks from the look on my face. “Let me guess—we can’t go here because your grandmother insulted the owner’s spaghetti sauce.” “Close. She slept with her son.” Talbot freezes.

“Can we go in here, or did your grandmother have sex with this guy’s great aunt’s Bundt cake or something?” Talbot asks.

Red-faced and dizzy, I tug at my clothes, grimacing at my step-grandmother. “I just wanted to say thank you for the cookies, dear.” Mrs. Starling is in shock. “Talbot helped.” “Oh, so he’s unemployed and knows how to bake. Very nice.” Mrs. Starling nods. “She’s with me because of this.” He grabs his junk. “It’s pierced.” That breaks through the Botox.

I hear footsteps. Talbot grabs me, then we’re tumbling into the formal sitting room behind a chair. The front door opens. His hands are down my pants now. “Stretchy waistband. Practical.” He silences my groans with a kiss as he works his hands between my legs until my panties are soaked and sex in the living room where anyone could walk in sounds like a fantastic idea.

“Now, full disclosure, I did not make this eggnog.” He waves the thermos at me. “But your cool granny said I could have it. She’s very worried about the state of your sex life, by the way, and wants to know if you’ve been using the exercise dildo she bought you for Christmas last year. I assured her I’d ask.” I cough as the eggnog-flavored rum burns my throat. “So…” He nudges me. “Geez, this is strong.” I cough again. “No, Gumdrop, stay on topic. The vaginal stretcher.” “I burned it.” “What?”

MISTY “You’re a terrible hitman,” I hear my sister say. I scream awake, shove the blanket off of me, realize I’m not wearing any clothes under the blanket, and pull it back up to my chin. Talbot sits up on the couch. He looks like sex when he wakes up. I look like I just dug myself out of a crypt. Lucy gives him an appreciative glance.