Walk Through Fire (Chaos, #4)

by Kristen Ashley

I really had no life and commenced living half of one. Or maybe a third. Possibly a quarter. Likely an eighth.

I knew I should wake up one day and change that. I knew that just as I knew I never would.

“He lived for you. Every breath he took, it was for you.

He’d asked me out within minutes of the first words we spoke to each other. I’d slept with him on our first date. Not because I was easy. Because I knew he was everything. And he was.

He was a dream come true. A fantasy come to life. Every clichéd hope of every girl on the planet walking, talking, touching, kissing.

He’d treated me like gold. No, like a princess. No, both. I was precious. Beloved. Treasured. He looked at me and every single time he did it, I knew he thought what he saw...

And we slept entwined and woke the same way, like we needed to be connected to each other to recharge in the night so we could take on the day. Like with...

We were together for three years that felt like fifty-three, all of them blissfully happy.

They were scars that tormented me in a way that changed the course of my life.

Could I right those wrongs? Should I? You obliterated him. I had. And I’d done the same to myself.

“You ain’t ever gonna change a person. Stand by their side or be at their back. But do not push change or expect it. Just be there for them while they sort their shit out. But do it knowin’ you might have to cut ties if their shit starts leakin’ and becomin’ yours.”

God. Seriously. Even if I wasn’t his, I would make him be mine. But I was. Which meant he was. Oh yes. Happy.

He fell in love the minute he laid eyes on her. More in love at her first “hey.” Then more when she told him her name. And more when she looked so adorably hurt when she thought he was laughing at it. And then more. And even more. It’d go on forever, he knew it. Every day until he died, he’d fall more in love with her.

Logan using me, taking advantage for his revenge fuck, then speaking to me the way he did, killing what we had, turning love to hate.

Yes, I was all in. New life. New me. New beginning. All to write a new future. Out of the rut. And on to something good. (I hoped.)

“Then it’s good that happened. It didn’t seem good at the time but every woman has her limits. Every woman finds her time.

“Give you what you need, Millie, even if you don’t know you need it and even when we’re at cross purposes, me doin’ that, you thinkin’ you’re givin’ me what I need by lettin’ my brothers stay.” I stared into his beautiful brown eyes, so in love with Logan Judd, I knew I couldn’t fall any deeper. Until he proved me wrong. This happened frequently. “Thanks, baby,” I whispered. And I fell. “Anytime, Millie,” he replied. “Every time.” Every time.

It was awesome. Life was awesome. I was eighteen years old and it was crazy. I knew it. But I didn’t question it. No one in their right mind would question it, no matter what their age. So I didn’t. Because I had it all.

He could give them better than what they had. He could give his girl everything. He could do that. Absolutely.

“Please understand,” she said softly. “I just need to do my part. I need you to know I’m going to. No, that I’m able to. Life’s gonna throw a lot at us, Snook’ums. I need you to know I’m ready to do my bit when it does.”

It took some time, a good deal of it, before I moved. Got myself a cup of coffee. Cleaned up the mess Logan left of his. Went to my bathroom to take a shower and get ready for the day. But I did it knowing I was back to going through the motions. Oh, I’d pretend. For Dot. And Mom and Dad. Justine. Kellie. Claire. And I’d breathe until there was no breath left. But that was all life would be for me. I knew it because it had happened twenty years earlier, my life leaking away as Logan walked out of it. Then I went through the motions. Now I’d do it again. But with practice, I’d do it better so those left who cared about me didn’t worry. That’s all I’d give. That’s all I’d get. Until the day I died. And I was good with that because once I had it all with the promise of even more. So I’d take that because I knew that was all I’d ever get. And because I also knew I had no choice.

But lonely was lonely and lonely sucked, so I was going to cut the lonely with kitties.

This was it. This was where it was at. This was one of a bevy of things back in the day that filled me up and kept life beautiful. The sights. The lights. The people. The sounds. The vibe. Electric. Alive. Not me. So, so not me. Not anymore. I was there, feeling it, immune to it and missing it all at the same time, the last like an ache because when I’d had it, I’d had it with Logan. Yes. Big mistake. Huge. I had to get out of here. I couldn’t go.

“I’m done walking through fire for you, High!” I yelled. “I’m done not because I’m done but because there’s nothing left of me to burn. You have it all! You’ve always had it all! I gave up everything so you could have it all! Please! God! Leave me to my nothing!” I swung an arm out to their table. “And if you gave one single shit about me, ever, make them let me have my nothing!”

**********

On that, I pushed, shoved, desperate to get to a place where I could completely fade away and do it alone. Having been given too much too soon and paying the price by having it ripped away so that was all I’d ever have. Nothing. All I’d ever be. Alone. With all that, I made my final dash through the flames, making my way through the bar, out, and I ran to my car on my high heels. Destined to fade away. Ready to fade away. Needing nothing but to leave it all far behind.

**********

You love a man, Millie, you believe in him, you take him as he is. You go on his journey with him no matter what happens, even if that means you have to walk through fire.

Hear? I didn’t believe it. Not until then. Not until that. Something that was so Logan. He was the only person I knew who said that like he said it. Hear? He’d said that the first time I met him. He’d said it a million times after. And he’d just given it to me again. Not like he did when we were playing our crazy game. Like he used to give it to me. Wars were fought for things that had no meaning. Hearts were broken. Betrayals were committed. Fortunes were paid. Sacrifices were made. All for nothing. All for shit. But I’d give anything, battle to the death, break hearts, tell lies, pay every penny I owned, sell my soul to have back Logan’s hear? just like that. Something that meant the world because it meant I had him. And I had it back. Him back.

*********

“I love you,” he declared. “Loved you then. Love you now. Never quit lovin’ you in a way I know I never will. You were it for me, the only one, the only woman I ever loved, and you never quit bein’ it. So I think you can get how I cannot find words to explain how fuckin’ pleased I am that you’re back.”

“You always sucked at that shit.” I did. I could tell him I loved him and I did. I could show it and I did. But I didn’t do flowery. Logan did biker, badass flowery and he did it really good.

But the part where you had to teach your kids that life could throw curveballs and you had to dig deep to find it in you to adjust was a part of that shit.

Millie shoved her right hand to him so he had no choice but to take hold of the boy kitten. Christ, he was a squishy-faced grumpy cat. He looked kitty ticked.

“Millie, I was given one good thing in my life, the family I was born into. I found one good thing, my Club. I made two good things, my babies. But in all my life, I only earned one good thing. That’s you.”

We gave like that. We gave anything we could.

“Nothing to be sorry for. A girl’s no girl at all for her sisters if she doesn’t get that sometimes a sister has to share the hurt, sometimes hold it close. That happens, a girl’s gotta stand by her sister the way she needs her, not the way that girl needs to do it.”

**********

Never give up. Never quit dreaming. Because dreams had a way of being. You just had to keep hold.

**********

“Today’s no different,” he murmured, his voice low but also scratchy. Responding to his tone, I pressed closer, wrapping my arms tighter around his back. “What, Snooks?” I asked quietly. “Today’s been fuckin’ great, love givin’ all my girls a spectacular spring break, but it’s no different.” “Different than what?” “Different than all the rest.” I tilted my head to the side, confused. “All the rest of what?” “All the rest of days, every one, every day since I first laid eyes on you. Today’s no different. Fuck of it was, even when I didn’t have you, I felt it. Which was why I never let go. And today’s no different. No different from every day I had from the first day we met. Waking up in love with you. Day’s almost done, gonna go to sleep more in love with you.” My breath caught. My heart skipped a beat. My arms convulsed. My eyes filled with tears.