I'm So Mega

by Mel Dau

“Megatron Loric Manfield, let me tell you something. Those bad ass boys are nothing more than Mega replicas.

“Hiding and scamming are two different things. Tighten up talking about my wife, lil nigglet.” It was rare that I called them niggas or nigglets, but sometimes they took me there.

“So, you’re really gonna swoon over some fictional nigga in my face like I won’t throw your kindle in the pool and burn all your paperbacks, including the special editions,” I said with all seriousness. She had me messed up. “Talking about some ooh wee over a nigga made up in someone’s mind. You better ooh wee on this dick tonight, since you ooh weeing.”

“You want me to woo wee on your dick, baby?” “You damn right I do.” I cupped the back of her neck to pull her lips back to mine. “I want you to do all kind of things on this dick. You gonna be my lil slut tonight?” Her hand reached between her legs to grip my already hardened dick. The corners of her lips curved up, lifting her cheeks. “Woo wee, that’s a big dick.”

You shoot out the tires on one lil nigglet’s Power Wheels and you’re the bad guy. He wasn’t about to ride around with my daughter in his passenger seat with his arm around her like he was a five-year-old pimp.

There was no way my brother from another mother and Ruth’s blood brother was alright with some lil nigglet taking my niece on a date. I didn’t care that it was to a chaperoned dance. I used to smash girls at chaperoned dances, so it being chaperoned meant nothing to me.

Ruth tried to rationalize her unhealthy eating habits. I bet she wouldn’t tell that doctor that right now, as she sat on the table, she had Cajun seasoning, garlic, and onion powder, that orange Mexican seasoning black people thought went on everything, and hot sauce in her damn purse.

“So, you’re just going to lie to that lady? Talking about you’re doing better. The last time we were here, you only carried salt and pepper in ya purse. Now you have a seasoning rack.”

Why would Big G do me like this? I wasn’t saying that I didn’t want a daughter, but He could have given me a son first. If I had a son first, I could train him to beat these little fuckas up that came around my baby girl.

At that moment, I remembered something that Grace said. I took my hand and smacked Ruth’s belly. “If you don’t close your legs, little girl. Be a lady.”

“So, you out here letting our daughter go on dates now? What’s next? She becomes a waitress at Glory Soul Food, and some nigga comes in talking about, that’s my wife. Now we got an aggie nigga following around our daughter like a puppy.” “Whoa! Whoa! Tell me how you really feel, nigga.”

“I got you, baby boy.” Mama Goldie walked over to Joy and snatched her up by her hair. Joy was thicker than I was but in a build-a-body kind of way.

I pointed to the back of the building that was completely engulfed in flames. How could a building catch fire that fast? People were still filing out of the club’s front doors. “I figured since y’all wanted to take my woman to Sodom and Gomorrah that I’d help Big G with the fire and brimstone.”

“You did not do this.” His head jerked back. “Ruth, I’m not sure why you think I operate under the same societal rules as everyone else. Understand that your man would be a walking crime documentary if I ever got caught. Now bring your ass on.”

“Megatron, I promise if you embarrass our daughter tonight, you will forget that I have a pussy. Play with me if you think it’s sweet.” Ruth had been saying the same thing for three days now.

I took a final look in the mirror to make sure I was presentable. Ruth had me looking like I was on my way to a job interview with these khakis and polo shirt. She was lucky that I looked good in everything.

I hired a nigga to cook one meal for me and my wife years ago, and his ass never left. Next thing I knew, his car was in my mama’s driveway at ungodly hours. I had to let her know that fornication counted for their old asses too.

It was hard to see my mama with a man when I never really had. The one time that I did, he had a hand problem, and now he didn’t have any hands, compliments of me.

“Mega, I’m not sure if you know this, but this woman is my whole ass wife. It’s certainly within my rights to get her pregnant. Oh, and as far as my irresponsible peen, your mama gets it every night. Mind your peen, not mine.” Ruth spit the drink that she just took into her mouth out. My mother sat there with this he just told you smirk on her face like I wouldn’t make her a widow and my brother or sister a fatherless child. The betrayal.

“Megatron Loric Manfield,

“Heavenly Father, we come to You thanking You for the food that was prepared and the hands that prepared them. We ask that tonight’s conversation be beneficial to all parties involved. I ask that You guide my words, so that they can guide theirs, and we can lessen the need for extra names on page fourteen of the newspaper. All these things we ask in Your name, Amen.” Everyone followed with an Amen. Payton’s mother, Shanti, cleared her throat. “What’s on page fourteen of the newspaper?” I stopped putting food on Megan’s plate to look at her. A sinister smile settled on my face. “The obituaries.”

My attention went back to Ryne bitch ass Senior. “So, Ryne, I am fully aware that they didn’t propose to our daughters. Another thing that I am also fully aware of is the fact that the boys are in the eighth grade on their way to high school. Ryne, do you know what I was doing in the eighth grade? Fucking.” There was silence for a moment. “Let me tell you what else I know when I see, . . . boys who are fucking.”

Megatron Loric Manfield.

The girls walked out first behind Samuel. When Matthew jumped in the path of Ryne and Payton, my brow peaked. Matthew pointed his finger at Ryne. “Don’t let me being eight fool you. Mess with my sister and I mess with you. Manfields don’t play about ours.”

Megatron Loric Manfield

I need to pray. I closed my eyes. “Big G, keep me near the cross. They’re trying to grow my girls up without consulting with me or You. Fix it before I do. Amen.”

“God, help me deal with this. I’m new to this parenting thing, no matter how old my babies get. Keep me near you, my guns in my safe, and my head on a swivel to see when these lil nigglets and hussies that come at my daughter and sons. Amen.”

I extended my hand to have him give me back my tablet. He placed it in my hand, and I passed it to TJ. The second my hands were free, I was up, and a punch was delivered to Mr. Cook’s face. The sound of his nose cracking satisfied me. I made sure I delivered several blows to his head. Yeah, I wanted to gift him with brain damage so his ass wouldn’t have the ability to teach kids anymore.

“Are you serious? My own men’s group? Wow! Yeah, I’m interested.” “Good! So you can determine the parameters around your group and send them to me for approval. You also get to name the group.” Pastor Gilmore stood. I didn’t need any time to think about the name. “Oh, I already have a name. Real Niggas Love The Lord.” I smiled. “That goes hard, doesn’t it?”

“You kill one bouquet of flowers and suddenly you’re a flower murderer.” “No, Mommy, you’re not a flower murderer. You’re just a flower killer. Murderers mean to do what they did most of the time. Sometimes you can accident kill. You accident kill my flowers, so you’re a flower killer,” Megan pointed out.

Women held grudges better than I held a neck when I strangled a nigga.

My hands went together in a praying motion. “Please don’t make me revert to the Mega at the beginning of my sinner’s transition program.”

“Her house is cute,” Mekole casually said. “It’s almost a pity to burn it down. I would have definitely purchased it from her estate and flipped it.”