Code Word (Atrous, #3)

by N.R. Walker

“I’m done,” she said, her tone acidic. “Done being the third wheel. Done being his second choice. You can tell him that when he wakes up from his cozy little sleep on you. I couldn’t get him to touch me for months, and look . . .” She gestured to him, asleep on me. I wasn’t sure what she wanted me to say to that, so I looked her right in the eye when I kissed the top of Luke’s head and gave her a wave. “Okay. Bye.” It didn’t help that Luke, still sound asleep, slung his leg over my thigh and snuggled in some more.

“Or text her?” He made a face. “Would that make me the asshole? Doesn’t she deserve better than that?” “You can only give her the emotional currency you can afford to give, Luke,” I said softly. “If you’re not up to it, then don’t.”

She shook her head, maybe even rolled her eyes a little, then sighed. “Blake, I love you, so I’m gonna tell you straight. You deserve that.” Well, that was never good. “Okay.” “Luke is in love with you, and he has been for years. You are oblivious and blind.” Christ, that was exactly what Jeremy had said. Could they both be wrong? “But that’s not even the mind-blowing part,” she said, her eyes serious. Mind-blowing? “What?” “God, I’m going to hold your hand when I tell you this.” Her hold on my hand tightened. “Blake, you’re in love with him too.”

He stared at me for the longest time. “You what?” “I’m an idiot.” He snorted out a teary laugh. “No, I got that part.” But then more tears ran down his cheek. “You said⁠—” “That I’m in love with you,” I replied. Pretty sure that was the third time I’d said it, not that I was counting. “I always have been. I just never realized what it was until I didn’t have it anymore.” Luke shook his head and tried to speak, more tears spilling down his cheeks. “It took you breaking up with me for me to realize. I’ve spent the last week either drunk or crying on the floor. Everything’s been fucking awful. Then today I tried to be normal and I went out in public, but it was terrible, and I ended up at your house. I found all the photos you left on the floor and the song you wrote.” I looked down at the crumpled song. “And I can see it now, you and me, and what was always there. I don’t know what any of it means, but I just had to find you. I was going in-fucking-sane, Luke. And everyone saw it, so that was great. Maddox can eat an entire bag of dicks; I don’t fucking care. Amber almost had to lie to the Mexican government for me, and Becca drove me to the airport and told me not to come back without you. And I flew economy, Luke. Economy. It was awful.”

I caressed his cheek with my thumb. “I want to write songs about this color,” I murmured. “On your cheeks when you blush. I want to sing about your smile or the line of your neck when you laugh.”

“I love you, Luke. I never knew what love was supposed to feel like. I wish I hadn’t been so blind. I wish I’d known it was okay. I wish I’d seen how much I’d hurt you. I promise to make it right; I’ll do whatever it takes. I’ve never felt love like this. I never knew it could be like this. With anyone; with a man. With you.”