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Should the world lack fools and hikers and hikers who are fools, then the brief respite between decades of hunger would stretch on forever more.
“I’m tired of dating losers.”
“I wish to be loved no matter what. The cheesy, happy kind of love that you see in those Hallmark movies 8where everyone and their mother is contractually obligated to own a bakery or a golden retriever. And none of the men have girl best friends that so obviously want to fuck them!”
Memories resurfaced of a time when I did more than feast on these creatures that no longer bowed. I was worshipped once. I had a name.
She wished to be loved. I could do that. I could grant her wish in return for the sweet offering of her blood and her token. Anything for my newest acolyte. No. Anything for my Priestess.
I was not particularly superstitious, but a raven standing in the middle of the trail, staring a bitch down, did not seem like the best omen. “Can I help you?” Caw. “I don’t . . . I don’t know what to do with that information.”
“This is what I get for taking my Black ass out in nature. This fresh air is an attack. I could have been home with a margarita, watching Love Is Blind. That’s it; I’m swearing off men. Dating is the evil of this world, and I will find a convent to become a fucking nun.”
How hot is the cult leader?
“Has the forgotten root become so decayed he ignores intruders on his mountain in favor of a gossip column?”
Despite being as old as I am, Shriek had never held the title of god. Even the humans of old saw him merely as a malevolent trickster.
Idk. Small town folks are weird. And horny, apparently. 32 Kira: What in the Stardew Valley?
“He left you on the side of the mountain!”
“Ese pinche cabrón te dejó perdida y ¿para qué? ¿Para qué todavía quieras quedarte con él? No mames, con tus pendejadas.”
I could hear her sons singing the chorus to “You Oughta Know” by Alanis Morissette in every key but the right one.
“Alanis had the right idea on how to act in a damn breakup. If there was ever a time to throw caution to the wind and make messy breakup decisions, it’s now. Lucy, as your friend and as a mother of two who lives vicariously through you, we need this. Fuck the doctor and text the idiot you’re done. Now.”
“And you ignored every ancestors’ warning and just tossed a coin down a well?” It wasn’t a question.
But hearing it on my Priestess’s lips for the first time in millennia is the purest, most untainted form of satisfaction.”
Ruling over a populace as a god and feasting on foolish travelers did not prepare you on how to properly soothe a potential mate. Why was dating so difficult?
“I want that too. But more than that, I don’t want to let you go. I want to touch you, taste and savor all that you are until my name cries from your lips like a prayer. Tell me your desires and I’ll craft a life so beautiful you’ll wake each morning with a smile on your face.”
Let the record show that when Lucy Sawyer was presented with a gift from a literal god, I did not squander it.
“There’s three of you, aren’t there? Why choose?” “I’ll try to be gentle.” “Literally nobody told you to do that.”
