My Boyfriends Are All Monsters

by Kimberly Lemming

Memories resurfaced of a time when I did more than feast on these creatures that no longer bowed. I was worshipped once. I had a name.

She wished to be loved. I could do that. I could grant her wish in return for the sweet offering of her blood and her token. Anything for my newest acolyte. No. Anything for my Priestess.

I was not particularly superstitious, but a raven standing in the middle of the trail, staring a bitch down, did not seem like the best omen. “Can I help you?” Caw. “I don’t . . . I don’t know what to do with that information.”

“This is what I get for taking my Black ass out in nature. This fresh air is an attack. I could have been home with a margarita, watching Love Is Blind. That’s it; I’m swearing off men. Dating is the evil of this world, and I will find a convent to become a fucking nun.”

😆

Tearing the cover from the spine, I tossed the book down the well and picked up a magazine instead.

Tearing off the cover of a book? 😵‍💫

Idk. Small town folks are weird. And horny, apparently. 32 Kira: What in the Stardew Valley?

“Ese pinche cabrón te dejó perdida y ¿para qué? ¿Para qué todavía quieras quedarte con él? No mames, con tus pendejadas.” “I feel in my heart there was an insult for me in there somewhere.”

“Get rid of the Flannel Fabio and the creepy chanting townsfolk outside.” Then she pointed to Crane. “You speak.” “Give me a moment.” Bottling all that I am into one being is difficult, but sacrifices must be made in a loving relationship.

Flannel Fabio 😆

Ruling over a populace as a god and feasting on foolish travelers did not prepare you on how to properly soothe a potential mate. Why was dating so difficult?

Let the record show that when Lucy Sawyer was presented with a gift from a literal god, I did not squander it.

“I like that, though it’s not what I asked for. Tell me, dear Priestess, where do you need your god most, buried to the hilt in your ass, or deep in this weeping cunt?”

“There’s three of you, aren’t there? Why choose?” “I’ll try to be gentle.” “Literally nobody told you to do that.”

“Bitch, are you dead?” Kira screamed. After convincing my friends that I was alive and well, I finally tossed the phone on the bedside table and snuggled back into Hemlock’s various arms.

Don’t like how quickly this wrapped up but I get it. This is a novella after all!