Hot for Slayer

by Ali Hazelwood

The last time Lazlo Enyedi and I made this much physical contact with each other, the Berlin Wall was falling. Literally.

I was hanging out in Berlin and having a pretty good time—until I spotted Lazlo Enyedi. My least yet most favorite slayer.

My familiarity with Enyedi was expected, considering that the Hällsing Guild had specifically tasked him with eradicating my bloodline.

I did have a bit of a parasocial relationship going on with him, despite us having exchanged a grand total of two dozen words, most of which were some variation of die, monster, and no, you die first.

Not that I enjoy relentless harassment, but what’s a girl to do when the only constant presence during the last millennium of her life has been a guy who’s contractually mandated to murder her?

“Dawn is in six hours. I hope you have some fun ideas for how to pass the time.” His lips twitched. “We could reminisce. Thankfully, we share many memories.” “Thankfully. Like that time you tried to kill me in Constantinople. Or the time you tried to kill me in Lampang. Or the time you tried to kill me in a courtyard in Venice. Or the time in Saskatoon, where—and you may start to notice a pattern—you also tried to—”

Their reaction would have likely involved running to the grocery store, buying all the canned goods and toilet paper, and then never leaving the house again—they’d cause way too much of a fuss and disrupt the supply chain. 9 No, thank you.

Lol

When he noticed my eyes on him, he lifted the blade up to his face. And with a smile that did not feel like a smile, he began to lick it clean of my blood. It was . . . Well. It just was.

(Regrettably, I cannot recommend growing up in a small nunnery located in eighth-century East Anglia.)

Vampires suck—no pun intended—and

My motto is: If I have to suck someone dry every few weeks, why not make it a Goldman Sachs executive?

Eat the rich, literally

As long as you don’t let anyone get to you before I do, Aethelthryth. Ah, yes. Lazlo Enyedi. Hopefully, he wouldn’t be too heartbroken. If it makes you feel better, I thought fondly at him, willing the universe to pass on the message, I would have preferred it to be you.

“Hey,” I told him with a small, amused smile. “Couldn’t bear to let someone else butcher me, huh?” “I know what’s mine,”

Ahhh

have to behead him. The one thing slayers can’t heal from.

I throw myself into him, running my hand across an expanse of muscles that I would find more impressive if it weren’t 17exclusively dedicated to murdering me and my bloodline.

“Ethel. Pretty.” His nod is pleased, but his tone suggests that he’s not above gutting pretty things. He reaches forward to take a lock of my hair between his fingertips, turning it back and forth.

In fact, you want to kill me so bad, you just stopped someone else so that you’d be the one to do the honors. Frankly, I admire your commitment.

“I’m serious. We are nemeses.” “No, we are not.” I frown. “Why don’t you believe me? We deeply dislike each other.” “Maybe you don’t like me, because I clearly . . .” He stops. Shakes his head. Declares, as though the truth exists only to be molded by his words: “We aren’t nemeses. I don’t want to fight with you.”

“Ethel?” “Yeah?” “I know that I hit my head. But what happened to yours?”

Come on, Enyedi. Stop ruining my fun. Next song up is about how lonely I am, and how sad that I haven’t gotten laid in at least three hundred years.

“So, please, join me in welcoming the love of my life.” The chatter became louder. “Lazlo, thank you for being here.”

I could have sworn I spotted an amused dimple dipping within his cheek, but he mouthed a few words at me. I am going to kill you. I gasped. “What was that? Lazlo, did you just say that you’re going to marry me?”

I want to get rid of him, and I’m ready to murder him in a me-or-him situation, but I wouldn’t wish being stuck in some underground lab and experimented upon on my worst enemy. Which, coincidentally, is what Lazlo is.

Lolz

“The two things might be unrelated, but I noticed fewer rats in places with more hot dog carts”

“Why are your hands so cold?” he asks, voice curt and gravelly. “Bad circulation,” I mumble, hurrying to bend my neck and search for the wound he mentioned. “Vitamin deficiencies. Gets chilly at night outside.” “You just gave me three different excuses.” 39 “I gave three reasons, all valid, so get off my— Shit.

have no idea why his specific blood feels so overpoweringly, mouthwateringly delicious,

“It was one-sided,” he tells me after he’s done chewing. “From you.” “What?” “The dislike.” “I assure you, it was not.” “And I assure you, when I look at you, I feel anything but that.”

“We both sleep on the couch,” he declares. “Together.” “We can’t sleep together.” “Are there laws against it?” “No.” “Then we sleep together.”

“I just hope you have nice feet.” “Why?” 49 “You’re going to have to sell lots of pictures of them to afford a divorce lawyer.”

Lol

“I might not remember my name, or anything about who I am. But I could never be near you and not know exactly what you are to me.”

“You’re a CPA, Lazlo. You do my taxes.”

“No, I— No.” I shake my head. “This is wrong. I can’t do this to you.” He frowns. “You don’t need to do anything. I do things. To you.”

“You don’t even know who I am. You don’t remember who you are. This is— I am basically deceiving you, and—” “I know that. You are odd. And a terrible liar, and not good at being secretive. But I don’t care.”

“There is nothing that I could discover about you, or about myself, that would make me want to do this any less.”

“I know your smell. I know your skin. Your hair. It’s all familiar. I have it all memorized. And I dream of you—of this. So many dreams, all so different, we must have done it a million times, in a million different ways. Tell me what you’re hiding from me, let’s get this over with, and then let’s do it a million more times.”

“Where do you think I’ll go once I’m dead?” And then it’s my turn to remember.

“Some lives run invisibly. Undetected by most. And when a person comes along who sees those lives for what they are, who acknowledges their reality, who reminds people that there is value in different ways of existing . . . A minute of that is worth more than a thousand nights with a lover. Wouldn’t you agree?”

the mask tattooed on his heart is an exact copy of the one I’d worn.

“I don’t think here is the best location to do this.” “Where, then?” “I have a place.” “Here? In New York?” He nods. “Where?” His smile is small and wistful. “Across from yours, actually.”

“Aethelthryth, nothing would make me happier than having you with me here, or in any other place that I will call home, for as long as I live. Please, come in.”

“How long have you lived here?” “Come on. You know how long.” Right. “Why?” “Why not?” He shrugs. “I have lots of free time. Very few interests. Just the one, really.” He glances in my direction.

“I had been raised to . . . I was told that vampires were a detriment to this world. But it was obvious that you made others’ lives easier. And looking at you, I couldn’t help but think that the world was better. Because you were in it.”

“I missed you. Watching you. Observing you. I just . . . liked you. It was a new feeling for me, wanting to know someone. Wanting to be known by them as I truly am. So I tried to do that.”

“You stabbed me. As recently as Berlin.” His eyebrow lifts. “And you impaled me in Colombia. Aethelthryth, for people like us, that’s the equivalent of pinching. And after a while, hunting you became the only way to be close to you. I wanted to spend time with you, but I could only do it as the slayer tasked with bringing an end to your bloodline.” He looks out the window. “I gave myself permission to show myself to you once a decade. And the remaining time, I just stuck around. Made sure you were okay. Not that you haven’t proven over and over that you can take care of yourself, but . . .”

“Basically, you had a crush on me,” I summarize, my voice raspy.

“I don’t know you well, Aethelthryth, but I know you better than you do me. And yesterday morning, even after I woke up and couldn’t remember anything, everything I felt for you was just . . . there. And it still is.”

“Glad to see that you find the most meaningful moment of my life hilarious.”

“Because . . . A slayer and a vampire. Doing it. It has to be a first in all of history, right?”

Weird. But weirder things have happened.