If Truth Be Told: A Monk's Memoir

by Om Swami

Who decided what was normal anyway? If I had to live my life by the rules and conditions

set by others, what was the goal of my life, what was my individual purpose—if there was any?

A ma remains a ma, no matter how she’s dressed.

There was a limit. So, my first visit to the library was scheduled. It was nearly 5 km away from our home and, on my way there, I felt like an astronaut on his first space trip. When I entered the library, the visual stimulation and intellectual arousal I experienced at the sight of so many books was beyond what my little mind could assimilate. I looked at the librarian and thought he was the luckiest man in the world, for he could read all these books. He had no smile on his face though. Almost daily, I read for a couple of hours at the library, took two books home, finished them and exchanged them the next day for two more. Two was the limit per person. ‘Do you actually finish the books you take home every day?’ The librarian asked me once. ‘Yes, I do.’ ‘What’s the rush? Why don’t you enjoy them and read them slowly?’

if you keep doing what you’ve been doing, you’ll keep getting what you’ve been getting.

The truth is that our future is determined by the choices we make today, and today is resting on the choices we made yesterday.

Nietzsche, who once said, ‘They don’t understand me: I’m not the mouth for these ears.’

books were for reading and notebooks were for writing.

To me, books were an immaculate work of art and marking in books was like drawing graffiti on a Picasso. You don’t spoil what you love.

I had understood quite early in my life that the amount of money you made was directly proportional to the degree of difficulty you could handle. The more stress you could handle, the more money you were paid; easy jobs paid less. Anyhow, I had no choice.

Every week, I also treated myself to a new book. I had realized that even if I could save $50 per week, it wouldn’t suffice to pay for my college fees. Investing in books and building my

knowledge base seemed a better option than building my bank balance.

Was this just due to my hard

work? It would be foolish to think so. A transcendental element of grace was always there. Otherwise, there was no dearth of people who worked harder than I did and who were smarter than I was, but didn’t find such success.

I wanted to spend that money for my mother. I loved her in a way I loved no one else. It was not possible to ever repay her for the sacrifices she had made for me, the countless nights she had stayed awake with me when I was suffering from asthma and the way she had always stood by my side. It was not part of her job description to support my sadhana or my interest in astrology, chess, books and other things, but she had. I wanted her to have the best time in Sydney.

Life is going to present you with many choices and, obviously, your future will depend on your choices.’

her joie de vivre

Basically, you can’t win people over if they don’t want to be won over by you. It’s not that they don’t want love or devotion; they do, but just not from you. They have invested their emotions somewhere else. You want to be their pet but they only see you as a dog, a watchdog perhaps. You are attached to them but they aren’t attached to you. From you, they get everything too easily, so perhaps you’re of no value to them. Ironically, if you don’t wish to be taken for granted, if you step back, they become resentful or angry.

I couldn’t belong to anyone, not to my loved ones, not even to my guru. I tried but couldn’t win my guru. I haven’t been able to win myself either. I know I can’t win you but you are the ever merciful lord, please

allow me to lose myself in you. You know what is in my heart, you know there’s nothing else in this world I want. I beg you to either kill me or show me the way to you.

It is something quite difficult to rise above the desire to be complimented and accepted. You can move beyond anger and lust, you can remain unaffected in gain or loss, but to let go the need for another’s approval, what is said or thought about you, isn’t easy at all. It takes great insight and a strong sense of self-worth to move beyond this need.

My intense meditation routine started two days later. I meditated almost all the time except between noon and 4 p.m. During this time, I kept my door open. I started eating one meal a day, at about 11

a.m.; it consisted of thin wheat noodles boiled in milk. There was someone from the

village who used to keep a bottle of milk outside my c...

The right preparation is the key to the greatest attainments, the antidote to all fear, the seed of competence and confidence, I concluded.

Why did I choose to continue putting up with these obstacles? It was not because I wanted to punish myself or feel like a victim. The answer is rather simple. Our identification with the body is so strong that most people spend their lives simply taking care of the body. The body feels cold, let’s clothe it; it feels hot, let’s remove the layers; it’s hungry, feed it; it’s tired, give it rest. We become so preoccupied with fulfilling the body’s many desires—cleaning, feeding, clothing, decorating and protecting it, that we become its slaves. A true yogi must rise above the needs

of the body. Just like an athlete must push herself to test her pain barrier, to test her limits, a spiritual aspirant must learn to control his body. When we start to tame the body and its needs, taming the mind becomes easier. The yogi must become indifferent to comforts until he has attained not only the state of emancipation but also learned to live in it.

It is not natural for our species to remain in isolation or to be quiet for long periods, and it is the basic nature of the human mind to express itself.

I learnt that I didn’t need to accept or react to Pradeep. I couldn’t stop hearing but I didn’t have to listen. Above all, the Divine lived in him as much as in me, so how could I reject him? Whatever life had to offer me through him was just fine. That’s what love is: to be at ease.

A loss of concentration is the biggest hurdle for a meditator, and the only way I knew to cross this obstacle was by not giving up. Persistence and patience had helped me achieve what I had wanted thus far, and I hoped these qualities would work again this time.

Crucially, I knew I had to persist because the path of yoga was one of great discipline and rigour. Whenever I felt tired, I would remind myself that I did not leave my family, home and comforts to rest or relax; I left them to attain supreme bliss, to be one with God.

meditated on Mother Divine in this way for nearly twenty hours each day. Once you immerse yourself completely, there comes a time when you not only see the Divine but merge in the Divine, you attain complete union with God.

The experiences, lessons, insights add up, finally bringing one to the point of realization. Water boils at 100 degrees Celsius but it takes a little while to get to that temperature. The flame that heats the water already holds the potential to burn as powerfully as the sun, but it is the water that needs to come to a boil. The soul or consciousness is ever pure; it is the conscious mind that needs to reach boiling point, while the subconscious has to imbibe the insights and the learning.

I firmly believe that we must learn to lead ourselves and not be led by others. For that matter, even within, most of us are controlled by our thoughts and emotions whereas it should be the other way around. Enlightenment turns the tables on us: we lead our thoughts and emotions.

was reminded of Naga Baba. Meditation, worship, praying, it’s all useless if we are unable to go beyond what holds us back.

‘The universe is trillions of years old, our galaxy and planet are billions of years old. The human race is a few million years old, while the average human life is seventy years. It’s a very short life. It must be celebrated, it must be lived. Life is not a challenge that needs to be faced. Nor is it an enemy that needs to be fought. For that matter, it’s not a problem that needs solving either. It’s a flowing river, and all we need to do is to flow with it,’ I said. ‘Live. Love. Laugh. Give.’

The eternal truth is that you have the right to live your life to the fullest.

Every

moment. This is the least y...

The fact that you are breathing and living means nature wants you, life wants you. As long as you have a compassionate view and you are not hurting others, everything—well, almost everything—is okay. Listen to your inner voice. This voice is the purest voice you will ever know. Your truth is also the greatest religion, the highest God. A sense of fulfilment comes from walking your own path. For some it may be meditation, for others it may be music, dancing, painting, writing or reading. Find what makes you happy and pursue it. I am not your traditional sadhu or a celibate monk. I am not a ritualistic priest or a rigid preacher either. I just am my own truth, bared before you, without any expectations or agenda, free for you to interpret as you like. I invite you to seek your own liberation by finding what m...