Futuristic Violence and Fancy Suits (Zoey Ashe, #1)

by Jason Pargin

protein-rich foodstuff that the people in her time call “chili,” hoping it would warm her up a couple of degrees (at least before the heat left her body a few minutes later in the form of several dozen hot farts).

It had turned out, after a lengthy and embarrassing discussion, that Rico and his crew were not, as Zoey had thought, a roving gang of rape bandits.

Carlton had found a cat bed, somewhere, and had sat it in the corner of the room. Stench Machine was curled up asleep on the floor next to it.

Zoey crossed her arms. “Great, the longer we put this off, the longer I live. We’ll all stand in this room and grow old together.”

Will said, “Yes. You’ve seen Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, right? Well, you’re like Charlie.” Echo elaborated, “Only instead of a golden ticket, it was Arthur Livingston’s aversion to condoms.”

She thanked the toilet, but it did not respond. That was good—if she started to think of it as a sentient being, it would probably be much harder to poop in its mouth.

“I’m happy to admit Will has the personality of a robot programmed by an asshole.

That’s why I’m delivering this message instead of Will, on account of he’s got that peculiar speech impediment that makes everything he says sound like a threat.

“Don’t ever say that. I never hated that man for one second. He gave me the most beautiful, perfect daughter in the whole wide world.” “I have a sister?”

I want no part of this nonsense. This whole city is a butt that farts horror.”

“When a billionaire makes a career scumbag disappear, no one goes to jail. A man like that, I could do him in the parking lot of the police station and they would send me a fruit basket at Christmas.”

“Really? Your Blink highlight reel referred to you as a Chinese computer hacker. And sexy seductress.” “Well, I’m Filipino, but whatever.”

Zoey didn’t know which would be more traumatizing to the returning children: the skewered bus or the twenty-foot-tall severed head of Santa Claus next to it.