Debt

by Nina G. Jones

Reckless. Irresponsible. Dirty. Dangerous. Exhilarating. Erotic. Wild. Euphoric. How can one thing be all of those? How can peering into the gutter of my soul feel like I just touched heaven?

“Don’t fucking act like you don’t like this shit Mia. I know you want someone to dirty you up. I’ll make you fucking filthy. Now, show me. ”

Hate can become so ingrained in you that it becomes part of your identity, your psyche. You define yourself with that hatred, so that if it leaves and there is nothing else to replace it, you lose a piece of yourself. I think when you feel anything strong enough it becomes its opposite. I think you can love someone so hard that you hate them. And I think you can hate someone so hard you grow attached. That’s why some people spend their whole lives hating someone they repeatedly invite into their lives: they don’t even know who they are without it.

My dad used to warn me that the devil doesn’t have horns and a pitchfork, he’ll appear as the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen. He’ll make you laugh. He’ll make you feel good. You’ll do things you never thought you would, but he’ll tell you it’s okay. And before you know it, you’ve sold your soul to him. That’s how I know Tax is my devil.

“I’m here because I dream about you, the taste of your pussy, your moans, your cries, the way you beg for me...”

“Because as soon as I leave after having you, I want you again. And then even when I have that, it’s not enough. When I see another man look at you the way I do, I want to kill him. I want to swallow you. I want to consume you. I want to possess you. I want you.”

“I want to damage you. I want to ruin you for anyone else.”

“You have all the power. You know everything about me and I know nothing about you. If you’re afraid of letting me in, can you imagine how I must feel? You came into my life, crashing like a meteor, and if you just leave me like that...I’ll never be the same.

He bewitches me with his powerful aura. I would have fallen into his arms in spite of myself, no matter what. He had me the second I smelled his scent, felt his chest press against my back in my kitchen. The rest is just pretense.

It’s come full circle: the girl who set me on the path of destruction can be my redemption.

All this time, I wielded my sword of vengeance with a shield of self-righteousness. Even collateral damage, I told myself, was still justified, because it wasn’t my fault, but the fault of their loved one who had betrayed me. But the truth is, I just like to hurt people. I am a predator. I hunt for sex, money, and pleasure. I only do things that make me feel good. This vendetta stopped being about justice a long time ago. I am no longer human. I don’t have a soul. I have been collecting on a debt from Mia that she never owed.

“You don’t get to walk away from me. You don’t get to set me on fire and leave me like a pile of ashes.”

I can shut people out, it’s a shield I have used all my life, but Mia doesn’t even notice the shield. She cuts through that shit like a welder. Her words were like bullets, each one piercing through the once impenetrable armor.

Mia and I don’t have a choice, we can try to run, but we each keep getting pulled back in, like our connection is a strong current, pulling us on its course no matter how hard we swim.

“I’m a harsh person. I say mean things even when I don’t mean to. If another guy lays a hand on you, I’ll break it. I don’t make love, or have sex, I fuck. Sometimes hard. Sometimes brutally. I don’t get upset, I fuck shit up. I don’t play well with others.”

Jude and Tax were born into the shadows, right in the path of a predator. Every time they reached towards the sun, the beast snapped at them. And so they have grown into warped and misshapen souls.

He’s light and dark, forgiveness and vengeance, beauty and ugliness. He’s all those things. My beautiful savage. And even savages protect their young.

Like two comets headed for a collision, our trajectory could not be stopped. We kept finding a way back. Every choice, every kiss, every subtle nudge was destined for our inevitable impact. Fate thought she was pulling us apart, when all along, she was setting the path for spectacular crash. An eruption, a nova, a big bang, a constellation—That’s what we are. We are the thing of beauty created from catastrophe. We are the light burning bright, forged from an impossible collection of coincidences.