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August 31 - September 1, 2025
“You need to fill up your own cup, B. You can’t keep pouring when you have nothing to give.”
It’s a broken record at this point. Because he’s right, I do have more to lose, it just doesn’t feel like I have anything left to give.
I don’t know what’s worse. Never getting the chance to say goodbye to someone as they experience a sudden quick death, or watching them waste away, losing who they are at their core as they fade into nothing, day by painful day. The worst thing you can do to a person who craves control is make them feel utterly useless by uprooting their entire life with events they have not a single ounce of say in.
When I was at home with no one around to stop me from, say, taking a hammer to my laptop or sending a nasty email to Steven the nepotism employee at my old office who gets away with feeling up women because of his last name, I decided to make the smart decision and job hunt in public. Where I would second-guess my intrusive thoughts.
That will break me. That would be my breaking point. One I know I couldn’t return from.
Layla reaches across the high bar table and squeezes my hand. “But who’s taking care of you, Bella?” My lips flatten into a line before I put on a sickly-sweet smile. “Me.” Always me.
“For the record, Grayson, I miss Drew. Truly, I do, and I would do anything to have him here with us again, but that doesn’t mean I don’t wake up every morning and thank the stars you’re still alive.”
“You have people here that love you, Grayson. Don’t forget that,”
“Can you stay with me?” he whispers. “I can’t stop seeing his body.”
“I wish it were me. I wish it were me that died that day. It already feels like I did, but the world keeps moving and I don’t know how to stop it.”
“No one deserves to die, and you did not survive as a punishment,” I say vehemently. “If your brother was here, he would agree with me.” “But that’s the thing, Blaze. He isn’t here.”
“I need you like I need air, Bella, and if you stop, I’ll cease breathing. So please, just keep pretending.”
“Pretend that you want me as badly as I want you, even if it’s just for one night.”
A permanent abandonment. This is my greatest fear and heartbreak come to life. I didn’t get to say goodbye…by three minutes.
I didn’t get to hold her warm body before it turned cold. I didn’t get to hear her voice one last time. I didn’t get to tell her I loved her…or hear it back from her. All those small things I took for granted while growing up. The assuredness that she would be there for birthdays, Christmases, my wedding, and even mundane days where we sit on the couch and watch crime documentaries.
“I do, and I’ll continue to prove to you that I love you every day until you realize how much you mean to me. That even the world ending couldn’t tear me away from you, because the love I have for you is all-consuming.” His gaze softens. “For as long as you’ll have me, I’ll prove to you every day the love you deserve because I am unconditionally and irreversibly in love with you.”
“And I don’t need to hear it back from you. I’ll wait however long you need.”
