Hot to Go

by Kristen Bailey

I should have just said that before he pulled his shorts down and got his knob out.

His KNOBBBB stfu

Why is his face so pink? He’s the same colour as a boiled frankfurter.

Lmfaoooo her inner dialogue DURING SEX is diabolical

‘Well, I think he looks rugged and distinguished,’ Krystal says proudly. ‘It looks like a big seventies muff…’

Lmao i feel like this book is gonna fuck up my search history lmao

With a thermal sock on my knob.

heres my official petition to stop referring to male genitalia as "knob"

I didn’t realise my knob had such impressive swing.

Barf

‘Where did you say you got this again?’ I ask her. ‘My neighbour may have given birth in it. She wasn’t clear.

Such are the joys of a British summer – when the sun is out, we don’t care what we look like, we’re just desperate to get as much light and vitamin D as we can on our skin.

Sounds like a jersey girl summer tooo

‘Tell me about the bloke I’m replacing?’

Bloke sounds so mean

‘Amen to that. My girl needs some sun and sangria.’

I head to my front room window in a wild frenzy and see the van whizz down the street. Hold up. I’m here. I have earned this.

Lmfaooo preachhhh

bollocks!

Bollocks???? Eeeew no

‘I don’t actually,’ I reply. ‘I’m single. I got dumped.’ ‘Oh. That sucks. Was she a moo-cow?’ asks the littlest brother.

Lmao what

‘What do you teach?’ he asks me. ‘Spanish.’ ‘Like Dora the Explorer?’ ‘¡Vámonos!’ I say, putting on the accent of an eight-year-old Latina girl. This does not endear them to me, in fact, the family in front turn around and watch me curiously, one dad putting a protective arm around his daughter.

Lol pussyyy

‘Please stop it with the smegma talk so early in the morning.’

‘Inappropriate? There’s a girl over there in a fishnet dress. I can see her pubes poking out the holes.’ Do we all turn around? Of course we do. Christ, it’s like a sea urchin down there.

How many pairs of knickers did you pack for a five-day holiday? Fifteen.’ The sisters all laugh and I do my best to hold in my giggles. ‘I travel prepared…’ ‘For having diarrhoea?’ Lucy retorts.

WHO SPELLS DIARRHEA LIKE THIS?????

‘We get our vags out for a sunbathe. It’s good for you, gets all that light on the labia, it boosts hormone production and energy.’ I laugh under my breath whilst the sisters look on at her, unimpressed. ‘No,’ Meg says, firmly. ‘Are you worried you can’t find yours?’ Lucy asks,

Lollllll

‘It would be a moment of releasing all our feminine energy and power into the world. Look at me, World, I’m forty.’ ‘I can just say that aloud. I don’t need to have my legs akimbo and minge to the sun to prove that,’ Meg argues.

I feel they would take me more seriously if I wasn’t dressed like Aldi Iron Man.

Lordy, he’s bladdered.

BLADDERED?????

I’d been thinking of something sedate like golf and a curry for this stag do, but the plans evolved and I find myself here because I don’t trust many of Max’s friends.

Is this a bachelor trip???? london lingo is giving me the ick

‘Yes, I’m single and ready to…’ ‘Get knobbing,’ Andy says a little too loudly, waving his arms and shield in the air.

Ewwwwwww

‘You’re just too uptight, mate. We’ll find you a señorita to bob about on your dick and loosen you up a bit.

This book is giving me the ick so bad im actually considering dnf'ing