30 Covert Emotional Manipulation Tactics: How Manipulators Take Control In Personal Relationships

by Adelyn Birch

The most skillful and dangerous manipulators are those included in psychology's "Dark Triad." Psychopathic, narcissistic and Machiavellian personalities lack empathy and manipulate in a planned and purposeful way for their own personal gain, no matter the cost to someone else. They are callous, insensitive, aggressive and opportunistic individuals who use others and act out against them to achieve their own ends.

Pathological manipulators have no other way to relate to others and nothing real to offer in a relationship, such as love and intimacy. There is no way to change them.

You are frequently on the defensive. You feel misunderstood and have the need to explain and defend yourself.

"Manipulation is an evolving process over time," according to Harriet B. Braiker, PhD., author of "Who's Pulling Your Strings." Braiker says victims are controlled through a series of promised gains and threatened losses, covertly executed through a variety of manipulation tactics.

Take heed - you have no social obligation to be victimized – ever."

Emotional manipulation is emotional abuse. A person who controls your feelings and behavior with manipulation does not value or respect you or care about your well-being.

Intermittent Reinforcement

Intermittent reinforcement is an extremely powerful and effective manipulation tactic. In fact, psychology experts consider it the most powerful motivator in existence.

Negative Reinforcement

Backing Into an Emotional Corner

The manipulator does not want to confront the issue at hand, so he obfuscates it by turning the focus onto you by using your emotions against you.

Your emotional reactions to manipulation are not the problem—the manipulation is the problem.

Shifting The Focus

Instead of dealing with the stated concern, the manipulator simply denies your allegations, expresses incredulity that you could even think such a thing about them, and then discusses the real problem—your supposed character flaw, such as insecurity or jealousy—making it clear that they find it highly unattractive. Since this is yet another tactic that makes you believe the relationship is in trouble and it is your fault, you learn not ask questions and instead doubt your suspicions and yourself.

Premature Disclosure

Triangulation

The manipulator creates a triangle between you, him or her, and some third person outside of your relationship.

Blaming The Victim

Skilled manipulators always pretend they are, or were, the victim.

Indirect Insults

Name-calling and insults are direct and obviously aggressive and abusive.

Insinuating Comments or Compliments

Guilt

Shame

Empty Words

Crazymaking

Gaslighting

Using the tactic of gaslighting, the manipulator denies, and therefore invalidates, reality. Invalidating reality distorts or undermines the victim’s perceptions of their world and can even lead them to question their own sanity.

Victims eventually question their ‘version’ of reality.

Minimizing

The Silent Treatment

Lying

Many are expert liars who lie convincingly, frequently and with impunity.

Lies of omission are one of the more subtle forms of lying. Instead of making a deceptive statement, the liar withholds the truth.

Vagueness is another subtle form of lying.

Invalidation

Charm

Intentional Forgetting

Brandishing Anger, or "Traumatic One-Trial Learning"

The manipulator will put on an act of intense anger for the purpose of shocking you into submission.

Scapegoating

Belittling

Putting You On the Defensive

Covert manipulation tactics trigger you to react emotionally instead of responding rationally, which is exactly what the manipulator wants.

Creating Fear

Creating fear is a powerful way to gain control.

The Pity Play

Manipulators know how to take advantage of our conscience!

Rationalization

Flattery