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by
Adelyn Birch
emotional manipulation methodically wears down your self-worth and self-confidence and damages your trust in your own perceptions.
Becoming aware of the tactics manipulators use enables you to identify concealed aggression.
Emotional manipulation is emotional abuse. A person who controls your feelings and behavior with manipulation does not value or respect you or care about your well-being.
Name-calling and insults are direct and obviously aggressive and abusive.
"Shame is the most disturbing experience individuals ever have about themselves; no other emotion feels more deeply disturbing because in the moment of shame the self feels wounded from within."
If you feel confused because someone tells you that they love you but they don't act like they do, judge them by their actions alone. You will have your answer.
The Silent Treatment Supposedly because of something you did, the manipulator refuses to communicate with you and uses emotional or physical withdrawal as punishment. This is commonly called the silent treatment, stonewalling or withholding. It conveys contempt and communicates that you are not worth the manipulator’s acknowledgement of your existence, let alone his or her time, love, attention or consideration, according to Steve Becker, LCSW. He writes, “The silencer's aim is, above all, to silence communication. More specifically, it is to render the other invisible and, in so doing, induce
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Invalidation is the act of rejecting, diminishing, ignoring, judging or making fun of someone's feelings.
Our fundamental emotional needs: To be acknowledged. To be accepted. To be listened to. To be understood. To be loved. To be appreciated.
Our six fundamental emotional needs.
In the process of a pathological relationship, the moment when the joy at finding love turns into the fear of losing it is called the manipulative shift.
“The manipulative shift,” defined.
Creating fear of losing the relationship—and then relieving it periodically with episodes of love and attention—employs a powerful tactic of manipulation known as intermittent reinforcement.
“Intermittent reinforcement,” defined.
Psychology researchers have long considered intermittent reinforcement the most powerful motivator on the planet.
A trauma bond is a very strong attachment to an abuser that develops not in spite of manipulation and abuse, but because of it.
Trust is based on three aspects: Predictability, dependability and faith.
Look for the hallmarks of a healthy relationship: Intimacy, commitment, consistency, balance, progression, shared values, love, care, trust and respect.
The ten hallmarks of a healthy relationship.
Become and stay conscious of the power balance of the relationship. The person who cares less has the power.
Ask yourself if your relationship is based on real emotional intimacy or if you're being tricked into accepting intensity as a substitute.
Intimacy vs. intensity
Intimacy is based on trust, understanding and vulnerability. People who become emotionally intimate do so by taking the risk of being emotionally vulnerable with their partner, revealing their true selves and feeling emotionally safe afterward instead of feeling judged, mocked, invalidated or rejected.
Intimacy defined …
Intimacy is based on emotional safety, patience, respect, consistency and a mutual give-and-take.
Intimacy concluded.
Intensity, on the other hand, involves drama, anxiety, uncertainty and fear. It's all about push-pull, hot-cold, high-low.
Intensity contrasted with intimacy.
According to Harriet Lerner, PhD in her book, Dance of Intimacy, "Intensity is being completely lost in the emotion of unreasoning desire.
In contrast, Lerner writes that an intimate relationship "is one in which neither party silences, sacrifices, or betrays the self and each party expresses strength and vulnerability, weakness and competence in a balanced way...
A person in a trauma bond is essentially addicted to a relationship with someone who is destructive and hurtful.
The most important test of intimacy is to ask yourself if your relationship is a safe haven where you feel loved and accepted for being yourself.
Your Basic Human Rights I have the right to have my needs and feelings be as important as anyone else’s. I have the right to experience and express my feelings, if I choose to do so. I have the right to not be responsible for the feelings of another. I have the right to express my opinions, if I choose to do so. I have the right to set my own priorities. I have the right to establish independence if I choose to. I have the right to decide how I spend my time. I have the right to choose my own lifestyle. I have the right to change my lifestyle, myself, my behaviors, my values, my life
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Your Basic Human Rights.
Emotional manipulation is abuse.
Indispensible advice for anyone who wants to protect themselves from manipulation: Work on developing clear, strong personal boundaries. Boundaries protect your values, goals, time, resources, emotional health and whatever else is important to you.
