30 Covert Emotional Manipulation Tactics: How Manipulators Take Control In Personal Relationships

by Adelyn Birch

usually do not realize they are being manipulated while it is happening. That

"When you know what a man wants you know who he is, and how to move him."

“I love you.” “You’re so special to me.” “I don't know how I got so lucky.” “I’ve waited my whole life for you.” When a manipulator utters these words they are backed up by nothing,

Always remember: Actions speak louder than words.

If you feel confused because someone tells you that they love you but they don't act like they do, judge them by their actions alone. You will have your answer.

Using the tactic of gaslighting, the manipulator denies, and therefore invalidates, reality. Invalidating reality distorts or undermines the victim’s perceptions of their world and can even lead them to question their own sanity. "I don't know where you got that idea." "It's all in your head."

Examples of gaslighting: A manipulator claims that the victim is mistaken in her belief that he wanted a committed, long-term relationship, even though everything he did and said created that belief. A

You might be a victim of gaslighting if you apologize often, have trouble making decisions, have changed significantly over the course of the relationship, feel you're in a constant state of bewilderment, or have become reclusive and withdrawn.

The manipulator uses this tactic to convince you that something she did that was wrong really wasn't as bad as you think it is. She will tell you that you’re making a big deal out of nothing or that you’re exaggerating or overreacting when you confront her about her wrongdoing.

Lying is the granddaddy of manipulation tactics. Purposeful manipulators lie frequently and without remorse, and have an arsenal of lying styles to work from. Others may feel remorse but will lie anyway to get what they want.

Basically, a lie is a false statement deliberately presented as the truth. But there are many other ways to lie that go far beyond simply making a blatantly false statement. Those statements often work, though, because we can't believe that someone we trust would look us in the eye and tell us such a brazen, bald-faced lie.

Lies of omission are one of the more subtle forms of lying. Instead of making a deceptive statement, the liar withholds the truth.

Vagueness is another subtle form of lying. When you confront a manipulator about something, they respond but their answer is lacking in details. They count on you not to probe them for more information.

Liars lie to avoid taking responsibility or to get you to believe what they want you to believe in order to get something they want.

It's frustrating not feeling understood and not getting the emotional support you reached out for. Invalidation makes you wonder if there is something wrong with you for feeling the way you do. It undermines self-confidence because it causes self-doubt. This in turn diminishes self-esteem.

We all have innate emotional needs. If these needs aren't met, there can be serious consequences to out psychological health. Invalidation is no trivial matter. According to Steve Hein, MSW, author of the excellent and invaluable website, EQI.org, invalidation is psychological murder or "soul murder." Having

How someone responds to your emotions and perceptions will indicate how much they respect you, how much they care about you and your feelings, how capable they are of empathy and intimacy, and how much they are trying to change or control you.

Creating fear of losing the relationship—and then relieving it periodically with episodes of love and attention—employs a powerful tactic of manipulation known as intermittent reinforcement.

In a manipulative relationship, the more infrequently the crumbs of love are offered, the more hooked you get.

Look for the hallmarks of a healthy relationship: Intimacy, commitment, consistency, balance, progression, shared values, love, care, trust and respect. Listen to any alarm bells that go off in your head, and listen to friends and

family members whom are known to have your best interest at heart. Don't ignore them, no matter how much you would like to.

“I have flown and fallen, and I have swum deep and drowned, but there should be more to love than 'I survived it.'" ~ Lisa Mantchev, So Silver Bright

Intensity, on the other hand, involves drama, anxiety, uncertainty and fear. It's all about push-pull, hot-cold, high-low.

'Being who we are' requires that we can talk openly about things that are important to us, that we take a clear position on where we stand on important emotional issues, and that we clarify the limits of what is acceptable and tolerable to us in a relationship." That is simply not possible with a manipulator.

These exploitative relationships form a trauma bond, a highly addictive attachment to a person who is hurting you. A person in a trauma bond is essentially addicted to a relationship with someone who is destructive and hurtful. Signs of a trauma bond include the inability to detach and self-destructive denial.

To know that you are loved for who you are, and to know someone else in all of their vulnerability and to love them as they are, may be one of life’s most fulfilling experiences, says sociologist Brene Brown.

The most important test of intimacy is to ask yourself if your relationship is a safe haven where you feel loved and accepted for being yourself.

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