Time of Your Life (Time of Your Life #1)

by Jessa Hastings

“I don’t like how I feel when I love ya.”

“I dunno—” He shakes his head. “Just…don’t like that you’re the thing that matters most to me.”

“Is there a world where you could be okay if no one remembered your songs or your name except for me?” “No,” he says without even a thought. And I was right. Crushed.

“Fuck, I made you sad again.”

“I love you more than owt I’ve ever fuckin’ loved—” “Yeah—” I roll my eyes. “And you just told me you don’t want to.”

“Should make you feel fuckin’ incredible, Ys. Cos I can’t not love you, can I?”

“Mrs.…Jones.”

“Semi-detached, five bedrooms, three bathrooms, original hardwood floorings, all new appliances and obviously”—she waves her hand ’round the fuckin’ sun-soaked entryway we’re all standin’ in—“flooded in unbelievable natural light.”

And as I walk toward her—Fuck, you know what? I see it. That other world. Where I’m not me, but she’s still her, cos she’s fuckin’ perfect.

Where she’s barefoot in the kitchen, and there’s toy cars fuckin’ everywhere, crayon drawings on the wall, kettle always on, fire always lit. And it’s enough for me.

Don’t need the whole fuckin’ world to know my name. Don’t need to be remembered by no one but her and them two boys. But I do. And I know that makes me...

“You know, people buy houses for the lives they hope to cr...

That house speaks to summat in her. Somethin’ she don’t even know she wants. And I dunno. Don’t reckon I’ll ever be able to give her this, know what I mean? And I wanna give her everythin’.

She puts her hands to me face, gives me that look—soft, too much in it. Hate that fuckin’ look. No, I don’t. But I reckon she might love me too much, you know?

“My fuckin’ hero.”

Mm…

“Funny that timing just happened to coincide with the fucking boy of the month mouthing off and getting himself into some heavy shit?”

YEAH

“You don’t put yourself first if you love someone else.”

“He should never have asked!”

“Remember when I said it scared me—?” She lifts her eyebrow. “This is why. Because you love him—”

And he loves you too! I’m not saying he doesn’t okay—?” she clarifies before delivering the fatal blow: “But not as much as he loves him.”

“Oh my god, you messy slut, I love it,”

Real

“He fucked you over so he could stay afloat.”

“He should be absolutely fretting that he’s lost you because of this, Solly.”

“And that is your tremendously gracious heart and mildly weak character’s burden to bear. His burden, however, is—or should be”—another pointed look from her—“that he dared fucking asked you the first place.”

I haven’t really thought all that much since it happened—him on the couch, he looked so sad and desperate—like he was drowning and I had a lifeboat. I just wanted to help him, I didn’t think about how it wasn’t helping me—I hadn’t thought about how it made me feel unsafe and weirdly exposed all over again. Joah was drowning, he needed help, I could help, so I did. But at what cost? Me, I suppose. I’m the cost.

“That boy needs to have the fear of god put in him that he’s fucking lucky to have you and maybe he actually even doesn’t anymore…”

shit, it was bleak there for a minute. But the tide turned today. She turned the fuckin’ tide for me. Because she loves me. She did this for me because she loves me. And you do right by the people you love. And she did right by me.

She’s young, she’s beautiful, and she’s not going to wait around for Joah to figure himself out.”

That girl, the one I made cry. Shagged Ysolde’s toff of an ex—you know who I mean?

Oh FUCK off

A stronger woman would have called him, but I’m not a strong woman. I think I’m actually quite a weak one when I’m backed against a wall.

I’ll be pleased to see him, actually. I do miss him. He’s revoltingly beautiful—how beautiful he is sort of softens so many of his sharper edges,

“No, you’re right—What’s weird about you hooking up with Meghan Miller in a club in front of like, four hundred people we both know—?”

nah,” he cuts me off again. “Fuck yourself.”

OH FUCK OFF

“You will regret this…” “Nope.” He gives me a cold, tight smile. “Just regret you.”

we don’t need to go. I have a better idea because, like I said before, I’m not overly religious and I’m not very good at forgiving people either.

having just planted myself right in front of Richie Harrigan. Lala’s head pulls back, confused. I bat my eyes up at him. “Hi.”

Real

I roll my eyes at him. Jamie’s not out. If Joah had called me and asked me, I would have told him—fuck, Jamie himself would have told him. But I’m not telling anyone his secret for nothing. And now Joah’s for nothing.

“And you would have had a good time.” He nods coolly. “I know I would have,” he says—fuck—it’s the strangest thing? I think I blush a bit. Weird.

“Just don’t fuck about with anyone our kid’s in love with.”

“No,” I insist. “He says he does, but he doesn’t.” Rich shakes his head. “He says he does, doesn’t act like he does because he don’t know a fuckin’ thing about it—but he does.”

“Loves you as much as someone can love another person when they’ve never really seen…you know, love like—”

“I would. Just so y’know.” He nods to himself. “If ya weren’t his like…” My heart’s gone funny. Beating so fast, I think it trips itself out of rhythm. Have you ever had the feeling that you’re playing with fire? I haven’t—not till now. There’s something about it, actually.

WAIT

“You know, once upon a time I loved you.”

“If he’s king shit, you’re queen shit.”

Fuck, I hate alone. I hate alone so much. The world gets so noisy when I’m alone.

how it feels when I’m by myself. That’s the sound I hear when I don’t have someone to love me.

“I’m River,” he says,

Scared me for a sec…

“You don’t care about being beautiful?” I shrug. “Not really.” He looks confused. “Even though it’s gotten you…everything—?” I stare up at him in defiance. “Do you care about air, River?”

“Even though it keeps you alive?” He nods, sort of getting my point. “I guess I’d only care about it if I was running out of it.”

“So tell me I’m beautiful when I’m sixty and the world is tired of my face,”