This Book Is Full Of Spiders: Seriously Dude Don't Touch It

by David Wong

The horizon was shitting a sun, casting a glow on a layer of fog that was settling in the low areas like puddles of ghost piss.

I woke up in my bathroom, startled. I had nodded off while pooping. Long goddamned day.

Our true fear of the zombie was never that its bite would turn us into one of them. Our fear is that we are already zombies.

I’m going to get rich one of these days selling a hospital disinfectant that doesn’t stink of despair.

Brain was still trying to boot up, loading all of the extra shit into the task bar.

“You are now aware that your lower jaw has weight, and that it requires effort for you to hold it up. Good evening.”

Josh was on his laptop now, showing her a map of Undisclosed that somebody was updating with zombie sightings. There was a big red blob in one corner and Amy asked if that meant there were a lot of zombies there or if there was just one flamboyant zombie who was really easy to see.

He looked so out of place here he seemed like a hologram.

All moral choices seem easy when you don’t actually have to make them.”

He closed the door, farting loudly all the way to his car.