Co-parenting with a Toxic Ex: What to Do When Your Ex-Spouse Tries to Turn the Kids Against You

by Amy J.L. Baker

If your ex is bad-mouthing you to your child and sending poisonous messages about you, you need to be alert and concerned.

What this means for you, as a co-parent with a toxic ex, is that having the truth on your side isn’t necessarily enough to protect your relationship with your child.

You probably notice how your ex treats you and speaks to you in front of your child at transition times, when you call on the phone, and at events that both of you attend.

If your ex rolls his eyes when you speak, makes your phone calls seem like intrusions, or makes negative comments about your actions, appearance, or beliefs in front of your child, then you know with certainty that your child is receiving poisonous messages about you.

statements your child makes that use “borrowed scenarios”: words and phrases that are unusual for your child because the concepts are too advanced or outside her frame of reference

and your ex’s statements about you in court or in court documents are also illustrative of his views of you.

When you stop hearing your child and only hear your ex’s hatred for you, you miss opportunities to empathically connect with your child and improve your relationship.

Remember that your child is suffering, and respond in a compassionate manner.

Your child has been tricked into believing that you don’t love him. The reason that your child has come to believe this is because your toxic ex has manipulated him to misinterpret and overreact to your normal imperfections and flaws.

Also, children are naturally egocentric—meaning that they assume that they’re the cause of events that occur in their life—so they’re primed to interpret your actions as reflections of your feelings for them.

With text and instant messaging, your ex can be right there in the room commenting on your choices, like what you serve for lunch, and inflaming your child’s anger or resentment, encouraging him to see the worst in you.

Sometimes his ex answered the door and told him that she simply couldn’t make the children come to the door. “What am I supposed to do?” she asked. “Carry them to your car kicking and screaming? It’s your fault they don’t want to be with you. It really isn’t my problem, and I wish you would stop blaming me for your poor relationship with the children.” As he dejectedly walked back to his car, he thought: What’s the point? Why should I keep doing this? It’ll never change.

Recall that the point of the poisonous messages that your child is being exposed to is to convey to her that you don’t really love and cherish her. In that case, to remove yourself from the situation is to confirm that message in the mind of your child. “See?” your ex can say to your child. “I told you that your (mother/father) really doesn’t want a relationship with you. If (she/he) did, (she/he) would have shown up this morning.”