Your Knife, My Heart (Dark Forces, #1)

by K.M. Moronova

God, I fucking hated pain. I was so tired of hurting, on the inside and out.

I was so tired of being in misery. I wanted it to end.

Humans are incapable of selfless love. There’s always a transaction in mind, something they want from you.

“You guys ready to die today?”

You either get down and dirty with the heathens or I’m afraid the Dark Forces will eat you up, pretty girl.”

“This isn’t tender. This is starving.”

“What are you afraid of, Cam? I’m just a woman. You’re incapable of caring, remember?”

“You think I’ll spare you in the end, Emery, don’t you? I’m only trying to keep your fragile pieces together until the last song is sung. Until I’m the last thing you see.”

“I’m going to fuck you until you’re weeping, but just in case I lose myself”—he places the knife in my hand—“I want you to feel safe with me, Em. I want…at least one person to feel safe with me,” he whispers, his eyes averted, anguished.

“This is the last time I’m going to fuck you. I don’t want you to touch me ever again. I hate it. I hate the way your hands feel on my skin,” he says in a low, disdainful voice. His arms wrap around my shoulders and lift me until my chest is against his. “I hate you,” I say, biting back tears as I try shoving him away from me, but his arms are secured around me. “I fucking hate you! You think I want to be tied up in this psychotic underworld with you of all people?!”

Sigh

“I’ll be the ruination of you. I’m going to steal the last glimmers of light you have left inside of you.”

I feel so stupid for letting him in. I knew he was cruel and vile. I knew he was too broken to be repaired…so why? Why does it still hurt so bad?

I’ve never craved death like I do in this moment. Those eyes. The way she looked at me like I really was a monster… It makes me want to die. The pill bottle rattles as I shake five of them out and chew them so they hit me faster. I want to feel nothing. Ever since meeting her, I’ve been plagued with emotions I don’t want. Fuck… What am I doing?

“Quite the scene, love. You’re certifiably insane.”

Damian’s plea for them to wait went dismissed. They shoot him damn near point-blank range three times in the chest and the force sends him flying back. I train the tip of my gun at the first shooter and mechanically shoot twice, sending his head flying clean off as his vertebrae are blown to pieces.

Watching that guy’s head twirl off was like a fucking masterpiece. I need more. More.

Horror pales her face as she realizes what I am. A truly unfeeling, merciless monster.

Scream, I want to whisper to her as I bite down on my lower lip. Scream so loud that my darling Emery will hear what I’ve done.

Why is it so beautiful—him gazing up at me with blood smeared over his mask, those sage eyes taking in my awe and waiting for me to say something.

“Um, Cameron. You have a knife sticking out of your thigh,” I say slowly.

Period

Would you try chasing after someone who left a person like that?” he says with a loose grin. My blood goes cold and I shake my head. “No, of course I wouldn’t.” “Good girl. Don’t go chasing men like me.”

I was never able to make my father proud. But most of that is attributed to me not being a man, I think. No matter what I achieved, it would be deemed worthless to him unless I had a fucking penis.

He’s not manic anymore, he’s back to calm and collected Cam—the broken soldier I unfortunately really care about.

“It’s you or them, Emery. There is no in between. There is no middle ground. If they aren’t on your immediate squad, you need to choose you and your own first. Always. I know it’s different from what you’re used to from the family. Being given a name and target is easy. There’s someone telling you what to do, so you do it. But out here, you need to know that they’ll eat you alive if you give them the chance.”

Cameron was right, is my last thought as the man shoots me straight in the chest. Even with the bulletproof vest on, it hurts like a bitch. I can’t tell if it went through and pierced my sternum or not, but the force sends me toppling down the hill, except this time Bree isn’t there to stop my fall. I roll straight off the edge and drop down into the ravine. The last thing I hear is Cameron’s raspy shout as it echoes through the valley below.

All I see is her. Her lying there motionless, bleeding into the earth. Not her. Please, not her. Take anything from me, but not Em.

He’s already stolen my life, now I fear he’s stolen my heart as well.

I’m not numb like Cameron is. The third trial might be where it ends for me.

I don’t want to die. I want to be free.

Maybe being in the Dark Forces and on a squad won’t be so bad. In a weird way, it feels more like home than my house ever did.

I stare down at my red hands and wonder how many people I’ll wash away in the next hour. I feel nothing. As Cam said, it was me or them.

“I really, really don’t want you to suffer. I can’t stand seeing you in pain. It…makes me experience things I’m not fond of, and I like it better when you’re not suffering.” I give him a quizzical look. Is he trying to say that he likes me?

“I promise, Emery, when I kill you it will be with my knife to your heart. You’ll see me coming. You’ll know without a doubt that I’m going to take your life.”

Cameron clamps his fingers down over his palm and pops the pills in his mouth. My brows pull together with turmoil. He leans over me and grips the nape of my neck, tilting my head up as he presses his lips to mine. My eyes shut as I inhale his scent and memorize the feeling of his lips against mine. “I’m sorry, love. I can’t let you die,” he whispers over my lips as he deepens the kiss and pushes the pills into my mouth. My eyes widen as the flavor of the bitter pills spread over my tongue.

A bleak, heartless man stares back at me. His cheeks are sharp and hollow from his short time on this earth, shaped by the drugs he puts into his body. The scars on his face are nothing compared to the ones I know still remain under his shirt. His eyes are tired. So fucking tired. One so red it looks like blood has replaced the white of it. I look like I’m in pain. I don’t recognize the man in the mirror.

“You brought me out of the dark, Em. I would’ve felt nothing forever if you hadn’t stumbled into my lap. I would’ve forgotten what tenderness still remains in a heart long after spiritual death,” he whispers between our kisses.

“I knew in that moment that if I didn’t get you back, I would never want to breathe again. No matter what I’d have to do, I’d do it if it meant I could keep you,” he murmurs possessively over my lips.

“Let’s see if you can control this one.” He makes it sound like he wants me to lose control. I gasp, looking down at my arm. My veins turn dark blue and the darkness spreads through my system. My body jerks back in the seat and my breaths go rampant. Panic races through me. “W-what’s happening?” I choke out before my eyes force themselves closed. I only hear Nolan laugh before he says, “You’re prepared for the final trial, Mori.”

OH HELL NAH HE IS THE TARGET

“You will be tested in how well you can evade a pursuing enemy. One of you will be the prey, running for your life, weaponless, to the checkpoint. The other will be the predator, armed with a combat knife. If the prey gets to the checkpoint before being murdered, you win, and the predator will be terminated. But if the prey is killed beforehand, well, that’s obvious.”

“Maves and Bale, you two will follow after Cadet Belkin and Pazely. These are pretty short, so you won’t have to wait long. You have ten minutes to get to the checkpoint or die.”

A sharp scream pierces the air and sucks all the oxygen from my lungs. The terror that gurgles through the treetops is tangible and makes my eyes burn. She’s okay. She knows how to handle someone twice her size. Bree is intelligent and kind. Bree can’t die. My fists clench at my sides, and I battle with the knot in my throat. Fresh tears are threatening to form in my eyes, but I hold tightly to the belief that she’s fine. The silence that follows that bloodcurdling sound wears holes into my mind, as I try not to think of what made her scream like that. No one says a word. We wait patiently where we are until Arnold reappears from the forest, dragging a lifeless body behind him. Her dark hair drags behind her, and red streaks the snow like paint.

Oh kms

“It’s either you or them.” It’s either me or Bryce. I don’t want to die.

I don’t want to die, and I will kill Bryce a thousand times if it means I get to be with Cameron.

Your knife yearned for my heart, just as you promised it would.

She’s alive, but I did this… I almost killed her. I’m a fucking monster. There’s nothing good left of me. Nothing.

“No, Mori, you did what you do best, you tried to kill her because you’re a heartless man. But I have good news, you and Morphine are going on a special mission in the coming year that only the two of you can accomplish.”

Morphine. Her code name. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that it’s a pain relief medication. She’s the only thing that ever took the edge of life off my weary soul. She is my morphine, and without her, I’m nothing more than an aimless monster.

A man sits beside me—his hair the palest blond I’ve ever seen. His eyes are weary and red with spent tears and sorrow. He’s beautiful, like an iced-over lake filled with sage eucalyptus and blush-hued roses. He stares at me like I am the entire weight of his existence. Hope and relief bloom in those longing eyes. What is it you yearn for? I wonder. I study his features but don’t say anything. “Em?” he says softly, concern pulling his brows low. I shake my head slowly, guilt making my heart heavy as I whisper, “I’m sorry… I… I don’t know who you are.”

OH FUCK YOU

What the fuck do you mean she doesn’t remember who she is?”

She...so maybe she'll know Cam?

She has Mori, and as much as I didn’t want to risk him killing her, I knew he’d fall for her. He’ll spark her memory one way or another. Their chemistry is tangible; they won’t be able to keep their hands off each other.

Is she a test subject now???