Boundaries: Loving Again After a Pathological Relationship

by A.B. Admin

Abuse is often carried out consciously on the part of the abuser, but can also be unintentional due to limitations in the abuser’s insight, understanding or ability to behave differently.

You do not have any obligation to be abused by anyone, no matter what their problem is.

You do not have any obligation to be abused by anyone, no matter

what their pro...

You learned there are those who deserve your trust and your heart, and those who don’t. Boundaries will help you protect yourself from those who don't, without scaring away those who do. They will help you discern who is trustworthy, who respects you, and who offers you a real and meaningful connection.

But some of us come to the conclusion that the best way to do this is to put aside what we want or feel and allow other people's needs and feelings to take priority. This tactic is known as people-pleasing. This may work for a while. There is less outer conflict, but our inner conflict grows. If we want to say no, we feel guilty; but if we say yes when we don't want to, we feel resentful. It seems we're damned if we do and damned if we don’t.

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The need to be safe, both physically and emotionally.

manipulated:

You’re unhappy in the relationship and uncertain about it much of the time, yet you dread losing it because you're blissfully happy every now and then.

You are frequently on the defensive. You feel misunderstood and have the need to explain and defend yourself.

Expressing negative thoughts and emotions feels restricted or even forbidden, so you try to keep those things to yourself. You feel frustrated at being unable to talk about things that are bothering you.

You carefully control your words, actions and emotions around your partner to keep him or her from withdrawing their affection again.

You do things you aren't really comfortable with or that go against your values, limits or boundaries, in order to make your partner happy and keep the relationship intact.

Naturally, they try to work things out and regain what was once so promising and wonderful. Having been manipulated into blaming themselves for the problems, they hang on and desperately try to repair the damage they believe they caused and to regain their partner's love. Their loyalty seems to pay off and their partner is once again close and loving... for a while. It becomes a cycle, one they are not aware of. The drama and intensity distract them from the bigger picture.

Beware of relationships that substitute intensity for emotional intimacy.

So many of us walk around each day with no real sense of our true worth. We may not know what our basic rights are as human beings. We don't know who we should give our trust to. We believe that everyone has our best interests at heart. We believe that other people’s needs and desires are more important than our own. We believe that pleasing someone else is worth sacrificing ourselves for, worth giving up our happiness, our desires, our values, our self-respect, and even our most deeply held dreams for ourselves and our lives.

Anne Katherine, M.A., author ofWhere To Draw the Line, describes boundaries as limits you set to protect the integrity of your day, your energy, your home, your money, your health, your children, your priorities, the health of your relationships and the pursuits of your heart.

Selfishness is self-absorption, self-seeking behavior that either disregards the rights and needs of others or tramples them deliberately in favor of personal gain.

If you’re involved with a dangerous person—one who harms you physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, sexually, socially or financially—the only boundaries that will keep you safe are physical boundaries, meaning physical distance between you and that person and no contact at all with them. If you start setting verbal boundaries with a dangerous person, they will see it as a challenge they need to defeat. Consider the risk before taking any action. Physical boundaries and no contact may be your only choice in such a situation.

Anyone who purposefully harms you in any way will not respect your boundaries and they will not respect you. Setting and enforcing boundaries won't help, and may make things worse. The only answer for dealing with these toxic people is to leave the relationship.

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If we’re highly empathetic and emotionally sensitive we’re at greater risk of becoming involved with a manipulator. When we're more concerned about other people’s feelings than our own, we are the perfect prey for manipulators.

And I want someone who can make me believe this is love.”

Decide on the details of the healthy, loving relationship you want in your life. Describe the relationship, in detail.

Describe the personality and traits of your partner, in detail. Importantly, describe the ACTIONS this person would take that show you they actually do possess these traits. Then, describe the actions they might take to show you they don't. Decide which traits are non-negotiable. Decide what behaviors you will not tolerate.

Describe how you’ll feel in this healthy, loving relationship. List all the ways you want to feel. Then...

Decide on the pace you would like the relationship to take.

Ask yourself how many times you're willing to get together in the first week? The first month? etc. What activities are you willing to give up to spend time with this person, if any? What activities are you not willing to give up? How long will you wait before having sex?

Think about why you're creating boundaries and write those down, too. Your list could include things such as protecting yourself from manipulators, protecting the things you value, finding out a person’s true character, maintaining your self-respect, living your life as you choose, and protecting your basic human rights.