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Kindle Notes & Highlights
Abuse includes a wide range of actions and behaviors toward another that undermine their physical or emotional safety. Abusers try to make their partner feel “less than” to diminish their self-worth, in order to gain power and control.
Emotional abuse diminishes self-worth and self-esteem.
verbal abuse, which includes name-calling, habitual criticism, insulting, yelling and shaming.
Financial abuse includes controlling access to money, taking a victim's money through theft or deceit, or preventing a victim from earning an income.
Never try to figure out what an abuser's intentions are; all that matters is the presence of the abusive acts themselves and the effects they have on you.
Stop searching for meaning in abuse.
To build your confidence, develop personal boundaries before getting involved in new relationships.
Boundaries protect your emotional and physical health, and they protect you from the behavior and demands of others.
People-pleasers believe assertiveness is harsh, setting limits is rude and requesting that our needs be met is demanding and selfish. Some pleasers don’t believe they have any rights at all. They feel guilty for expressing their needs. They consider it selfish to act in their own best interest. Guilt and the fear of abandonment are strong forces in their lives.
Some people believe that martyrdom, self-denial and incessant caretaking are virtues to be practiced to the point of misery.
Our Christian inheritance.
A worthy adventure of self-reclamation is exactly what developing boundaries is all about.
Your mood depends entirely on the state of the relationship, and you are experiencing extreme highs and lows.
You continually obsess about the relationship, analyzing every detail repeatedly in a desperate attempt to “figure it out.”
Signs of abuse.
You never feel sure of where you stand with your partner, which leaves you in a perpetual state of uncertainty and anxiety.
Signs of abuse.
You frequently ask your partner if something is wrong.
Signs of abuse.
You are frequently on the defensive.
Signs of abuse.
You seem to have developed a problem with trust, jealousy, insecurity, anger or overreaction,
Signs of abuse.
You feel that you don’t truly know how to make your partner happy.
Signs of abuse.
Expressing negative thoughts and emotions feels restricted or even forbidden, so you try to keep those things to yourself.
Signs of abuse.
You don’t feel as good about yourself as you did before the relationship.
Signs of abuse.
You always feel you’re falling short of your partner’s expectations.
Signs of abuse.
You often feel guilty and find yourself apologizing a lot.
Signs of abuse.
You carefully control your words, actions and emotions around your partner to keep him or her from withdrawing their affection again.
Signs of abuse.
When we don't have boundaries, we neglect who we are and what we want. As a result, we see the skewed image of ourselves reflected in the eyes of those to whom we give our power, and we mistake it for the truth.
An important note: Enforcing a boundary does not mean arguing about it or explaining it until you're blue in the face in an attempt to get validation of its worthiness from the transgressor. A boundary is a boundary, and it's yours and yours alone. It does not need anyone's approval.
A lot of us lost a significant amount of our self-respect from being involved in a pathological relationship. A big part of that came from compromising our needs and values as a result of the manipulation we endured. Suggesting we become clear about our boundaries now is not saying we were at fault. It's about taking what we've experienced, and what we've learned since then, and turning it into something we can actually use in the future to prevent it from happening again.
Believe in yourself. Value yourself as a unique individual who is worthy of love and respect. Practice self-confidence and self-love every day, until it feels natural. Setting and defending your boundaries is an excellent way to do it.
