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Living off the grid is great. As long as you can still use the toilet. Oh, and you definitely need a roof.
I especially wish I were back in Boston, in front of my classroom. I miss my students. I would have done anything for those kids. Except that’s what got me into trouble.
I probably won’t die tonight. And if I do, the good news is that nobody will miss me.
“If you survive it.” I can’t tell if that’s a threat or just an observation of the fact that I’ll be spending the night in a small cabin with high winds and a dodgy roof. I study Rudy’s drawn features, wondering if he might feel compelled to pay me back at some point for shoving his face into the ground. He seems like the petty type. Well, that’s what my gun is for.
Why are you always here? What do you want with me?
He doesn’t seem like the sort of man who would be shy around women, so I have to believe if he were interested in me, he would have made a move by now. But if his interest in me isn’t romantic, what is it? Why is he always knocking on my door? There’s something about this man I don’t trust.
No, he’s definitely not a sexual predator. But somehow, I sense something much worse could be lurking at that other cabin half a mile down the road. And if I go there, I will regret it.
I hate the idea of asking him to do it. I don’t need a man to make sure there isn’t a bogeyman hiding in my shed, for Christ’s sake. I can check it out myself if I get concerned. I’m perfectly capable of that.
Ha girl I would've taken him up on that so fast. Yes go check and let me stay in the dry safety of my house
I haven’t been involved with any guys at all in over five years—and even that was a relatively superficial relationship that ended with him throwing up his hands in anger that I “never let anyone get close” to me. And once we got through with that, the therapist would probably delve into the fact that I barely have any friends either.
But it’s not like Rudy cares. He just doesn’t want to be liable for my death due to his negligence.
I haven’t been locked in this closet in a long time. There was a period when it seemed like she put me in here at least once a week, but now it’s been a good year or longer.
her bare arms are scarred with small white circles. Old cigarette burns. My jaw tightens, but I don’t comment. Now I understand why this girl does not want to be found.
She came here intentionally, looking for something or someone. And she’s not willing to tell me a thing.
The last thing I want to talk to this girl about are the reasons why I am not allowed back at Brigham Elementary School.
“Maybe,” she says softly, “you’re the one who has to worry.”
“Did you tell anyone about my house?” Anton looks at me for a few seconds, then he lifts a shoulder. “Nothing to tell.” As he walks away, I feel a mix of relief and disbelief that Anton Peterson kept my secret.
When I do bad things, it’s always on purpose. If I mess with somebody, it’s only because they deserve it.
Eleanor is carrying a map leading right to me. She didn’t just randomly wander here from the road. She followed the directions on the map until she arrived in my yard, dripping with blood and clutching a knife in her right hand.
John Carter is Brittany’s father. And apparently, he is also mine.
But then a terrible thought hits me. And I realize how stupid I have been. When I went out to the toolshed, I brought my gun with me. And then when I came back, I put the gun back where I found it. At the bottom of my dresser drawer. In the bedroom. Where Eleanor is sleeping.
Before I can get out the words, a loud crash rings out through the house. The entire foundation shakes, and despite the fact that she is the one holding the gun, Eleanor’s eyes widen in fear. “What was that?” she whispers. She sounds so young all of a sudden. Like a scared little girl.
Ever since I found that notebook filled with drawings of my own demise, I have been sorry that I allowed this girl into my house. But right now, I’m not sorry. She would have died in that toolshed. Whatever happens to me next, I don’t regret keeping that from happening. She was a kid who needed help, and I helped.
“You.” His voice is hoarse and not at all kind. “What are you doing here?”
“You’re lying. I saw it. My father is named John Carter.” “Right,” she says, seemingly giving up and relighting her cigarette. “He is. Your father is named John Carter, but this isn’t him. It’s another guy with the same name.” Her words are like a slap in the face.
you pushed that pretty little daughter of his off the top of the jungle gym and she broke her arm. It was a whole big thing, and we had all these meetings about it.” She shakes her head. “And then you were all upset because she didn’t invite you to her birthday party, as if she would invite you after you broke her arm! Why would anyone want you there?”
“Your father was in prison,” she says. “He got sent there when you were two months old.” “In prison?” I breathe. “For what?” “The idiot got into a fight in a bar and beat a guy unconscious.” Her face darkens. “Is that what you do when you have a girlfriend and a baby at home counting on you? What a jackass. No impulse control—just like you. Anyway, Johnny got sent away on assault charges, and then when he got out, he didn’t want to have anything to do with us. Didn’t even try to contact us, and I can’t say I know where he is.”
I will never see Anton ever again.
The more I look at these drawings, the more I feel like I’ve made a terrible mistake. My stomach sinks. Now that Eleanor is gone and I’m no longer scared for my life, I become more and more certain: The woman in these drawings is not me.
“that poor girl is going to need extensive facial surgery. Your boyfriend broke half the bones in her face.” It seems like a million years ago that I was telling Anton that I wanted to do something to Brittany that would cause permanent damage.
This isn’t the first time my mother has locked me in the hall closet. But it will be the last.
Ella is exhibiting significant emotional issues, and once again, we strongly urge you to sign her up for counseling.
If only she hadn’t started caring about things more than she cared about me.
My point though is that I understand why Eleanor is angry. I have felt that same anger. I have lived with it for years, and I know what she is feeling.
“He’s your father, isn’t he?” She crinkles her freckled nose. “How did you know? He didn’t mention me, did he?”
“Nell,” I say, “does your mom know where you are?” She shakes her head slowly. “Is she looking for you?” “I… I think…” Nell looks up at me, her pale eyelashes heavy with tears. “I think she might be dead.”
“I tried to help her, but I didn’t know how. And then Jax started acting like I was the one who stabbed her. He said, ‘What did you do, Nelly? They’re going to send you to jail!’”
“I need you to know then that if your mother and father are both gone, I will be there for you. I will be your guardian, if that’s what you want. I promise you that.” I look at Lee with a newfound respect.
She didn’t know everything, or else I’d probably be wherever Anton is right now,
He told Amara that he came to my mother years ago, after first being released, wanting to have a relationship with me, and she refused to let him. She told him he was no good and she didn’t want a jailbird to be part of our family. Really, she was probably just scared he would make her get rid of all her junk.

