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“I bear my demons and aim to harm no one, but if someone comes for me or mine, fairness should run the other way.”
“You like him, yes?” He frowns. “Wait, no. I’m reading terror.” His nose scrunches. “Aww, you really like him.”
then Salem passes me the dairy-free tray after he whips me up a sauce with the vegan butter, lemon, and spices. When Salem isn’t looking, Sid mouths, Marry him.
“He loves too hard to love easily.”
“Hey,” Ty says to me. “I can tell from his face that he didn’t know. Thank you for protecting us.” “Always,” I reply.
I haven’t yet explained his nickname to him. Blue. My dad used to say, “If you can’t find peace, wait for the blue hour before dawn, and free your wrestled fears to fate.”
I’m not sure Blue has ever found that hour, but when I think of it, I think of him.
I point to my useless mouth. He snorts. “We can’t both forget how to speak.” I huff. “Those hands speak better than I ever could.”
“But he’s a good guy. I saw him struggling tonight, which means he’s into you. He tends to give off the opposite of what he feels. Like, his fuck-you-and-die attitude could really mean I don’t hate you.”
“If he seems disinterested or distant, it’s probably not why you think. Be patient with him. He’s a bit of a closed book, but I sense he hasn’t had it easy.”
“Blue—” My voice hitches as I catch my breath. “If I wanted Lucien, or his lookalikes, that’s where I’d be.” I brush another kiss against his lips. “I’ve waited years for you.”
“The way in isn’t force…it’s patience.”
Salem’s already dozed off when I return. I slide down the wall until I’m sitting on the floor and watch him sleep.
I stare at him until I can’t fight sleep anymore, and I kill the lights and slip under the covers on the far edge of the bed.
Blue wakes up in my arms. In the middle of the night, I found him, back turned toward me, on the other side of the bed, and I nestled closer to him.
I lean forward, whispering in his ear, “You run and still end up in my arms.” I thrust my hips. “Why do you think—Mm, fuck, you’re choking me. Why do you think that is? Hmm? Look at me.”
“S’okay.” I grunt. “You run and still end up on my dick.”
I just imagined what that dick down would have felt like raw. Terrifying.
He shifts closer. “Why would what I saw make you disappear?” “Why would it make you stay?” It’s out before I can mask it with something less direct.
There it is again…risen chest, iron back, pledge of quiet sacrifice.
His arm wraps around my waist. “I will fuck you all night if it means breaking through so you can hear this. I want you. All of you. I will keep the ground from caving in for both of us if you let me.”
“If there’s anything you fear, it’s not the ground…” He rubs the goose bumps on my arms. “It’s your walls you’re afraid of losing.”
I didn’t know he has a brother. And the level of internet stalking I’ve done should get me on a short list for the CIA.
Fate bends to courage.’” He reads the inscription.
“Blue, if I’m inside you, I’m taking care of you after. Lie down.”
“Blue speak?” “Yeah. Sid gave me a primer. I’m competitive, though. I intend to be proficient in no time. No one will speak Blue better than me. Well, maybe your sister.”
“You can’t like my sister or Sid more than me.” I know it sounds…whatever, but I blurt it out anyway.
“I could never like anyone the way I like you.”
Baker Bae is hands down the hottest guy I’ve ever seen.
probably wondering how a man who radiates the calming flow of the river found himself in the company of scorched earth.
My lips lower to his ear. “I don’t want to lose you. Promise me, baby.”
“You think Simba would like me?” “You?” I grin. “One hundred percent.” He rolls his eyes. “I would have believed you if you said, like, 55 percent.” “It’s true,” I say. “All his besties are feral.”
“Stop frowning. I’ll always like you more than anyone else.”
What power has given me the restraint to breach but not storm these walls I claim as my home?
My name is his chant—his eyes, stained glass windows into a soul I’ll worship until my last breath.
He tenses in my lap. “What about days spent with someone diagnosed with CPTSD, generalized anxiety disorder, and persistent depressive disorder?”
“Though I pegged you as more avoidant than anxious.” Like my brother. “The avoidance is from anxiety.”
I nod. “I’ll do my own research, but will you tell me what it’s like?”
It won’t be good times all the time. I just try my best every day, and I see him trying too.”
Sid
“Mm.” I swing my legs to sit upright. “I wouldn’t share Salem either.” Sid chuckles as my eyes widen. “Yeah, you said that out loud.”
She nods. “We’re seeing funding for private clinical trials to treat post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, and addiction, using psilocybin and MDMA. Again, it’s just an example. It won’t be for everyone, and it will be critical for this kind of work to be facilitated by trained professionals.”
“Remaining in connection with people we trust is hard when we’re struggling, but it really is healing for us. Trust me. I can self-isolate like nobody’s business, but my therapist reminds me that we were never meant to struggle alone. Healthy communities and societies lean on each other.”
assume best intent when someone is sharing their experience,
Blue kneels down, swiping away one of the phones pointed at him. “Look at me.” His voice drops just enough for Darius to hear. “This is your final warning. Remember this moment. You speak my name or his again, and nowhere, not even a game surrounded by ten thousand people, will be safe for you. Get a life, you homophobic dipshit.”
I wink as I roll out my neck. “You’re pecking at bones, sweetheart.” “What?” “Ain’t no more pounds of flesh here.” I step closer. “I love him. Get in our way, and I’ll go through you.”
“When you leave here”—he raises my chin—“get this checked.” “It’s just a bump,” I tell him. “I want it checked.”
He shrugs. “All we really have is right now.” I shake my head. “But it’s okay to want tomorrow, to plan for tomorrow, to want to spend the rest of your life with someone.”
What about your guy? Can I make him a suit?” “He’s not my guy.” I tilt my chest up, stretching out the tension in my back. “Anyway, he’ll probably burn it and send you a death threat scrawled with its ashes.”
He laughs. “Possessive?” A man standing in the corner of the lounge turns slightly, playing it off like his phone wasn’t just pointed at us. “Murderously so,” I say, hating the fondness in my voice. “Hot.” He swoons.
“Anaïs—” “Just let me finish. I think your heart is still broken. And you hide it in random hookups and ball. I think if it weren’t broken, you’d see what I see. That there’s no one more deserving of love than you.”
