If It Makes You Happy

by Julie Olivia

My best friend. I’ve never had a best friend outside my sister.

Okay this is borderline insta love, but "bestfriends" when youve only been friends for a month. I haven't made a 'bestfriend' that fast since highschool.

And that—that right there—is the exact moment I know I need to kiss him. Because, despite Cliff taking a risk, he immediately backtracks when he thinks I’m uncomfortable. Because he’s that kind of friend. He’s that kind of man. I don’t know what our kiss might lead to. I don’t know if my leaving in two months will matter. Maybe we won’t stay in touch, or maybe we will. Maybe this will be something we can laugh about. There’s a lot of uncertainties, but one thing is for sure: I’m not uncertain about Cliff.

Somewhere in the last month, we’ve become inseparable, and I don’t know when it started. It’s like how, one day, the leaves are bright and green, and then, suddenly, they’re flittering to the ground in dull browns and oranges. The seasons of our relationship changed without my consent.

Brittany doesn’t come over anymore. Days that were once filled with child laughter now only have the dull monotony of a humming television with daytime game shows.

Cliff glances at me, and I feel that taut tether between us. The line of rope where I find him and he finds me, and we exchange a knowing look that nobody else notices.

“I’m not much of a drinker,” I answer. Fact is, I don’t like being out of control of my own body.

“He’s a weird guy,” I joke, and I instantly feel bad about the insult. It’s one thing to call Cliff weird to his face; it’s another to do it when he’s not around.

I feel in the dark about too many things.

“Questionable.” “Rude.” “Honest.”

Lol sounds like my husband.

Unfortunately, I’ve developed this irritating attraction to sour, controlling brunettes.

and…I guess you look at life a little differently after everything you thought was real suddenly isn’t. You embrace silly dreams a bit more.”

It’s always weird when people who aren’t divorced discuss divorce. That didn’t work out feels like such an oversimplification of it all.

As if on cue, Rocket’s ears perk up from his dog bed, and he taps to the window, jumping to rest his paws on the windowsill. His tail cautiously wags as he presses his nose against the glass, sending pulsing puffs of heat on the surface. Brittany stares at him for a moment, then slowly raises her mitten in a small wave. Rocket’s tail shakes more.

Awwwwwwww

It’s like I’m both drawing closer and also being kept at arm’s length. The same ends of a magnet, pushing when we’ve been pulled together for so long.

This isn’t my Cliff.

Myyyy<3

I’m speechless, my mouth opening and closing like a gutted fish. And part of me is gutted, torn in two because…not having feelings for Cliff? I snort, crossing my arms at my own thoughts. Quite frankly, I have too many feelings for this man. And right now, they’re bordering on frustration.

I don’t know how to date, but the thought of Michelle relaxed me.

“It was a mistake,” I grumble. “Of course it was. It wasn’t Michelle.”

“You’re my brother. I’m allowed to be nice every two to five months.”

I didn’t want to cross the dating bridge like this. I wanted to present the right woman at the right time—not be the dad who dates around.

“Because I think you like the reputation of being the divorced guy. You hide behind it, so then you don’t have to think about the possibility of dating again and being in love.”

See me, see me, see me. Finally, he does. And our gazes snag. They always do.

I expect him to steal one last glance at me. I’m desperate for it,

The three of us ran behind this morning because we always do, and now I only get minutes with them. It feels unfair.

It doesn’t feel like enough time.

sight. I stand there for a minute in silence—the wind as my only companion—before

My heart rate slows. Her voice is soft. Warm. Comforting. It doesn’t matter that we haven’t spoken in days. I’m addicted to the sound, and I’m letting myself indulge.

“It’s breezy here today,” she says. “Smells kinda like fall, kinda like Christmas.”

I like Michelle because of her stubbornness and not in spite of it.

It’s the first time I’ve seen her without makeup, but even without her armor, she’s stunning.

her brown eyes—warm like the autumn leaves—flick

I wish I were half as approachable.

And it hits me. I love this woman. I don’t know when it happened. It slipped over me so softly, like the changing of seasons. The seeping scent of baked bread first thing in the morning. A wistful sigh on a perfect fall day.

But with Cliff, it’s…easy. It’s respect, accented with adoration.

for my busy woman.