The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality

by Julie Sondra Decker

asexual people should be able to explore their identities without facing prepackaged sexuality boxes that exclude them and deny their existence.

estimated to describe 1 percent of the population.

asexuality is about attraction, not about willingness to engage in sexual behavior.

Asexual people often cannot be recognized as whole or healthy people if they lack sex, sexual attraction, or sexual inclination in their lives.

asexuality as an orientation is not a disease or a symptom. It shouldn’t be treated like an issue that can or should be cured, any more than homosexuality should.

Finding a name for one’s experiences—and realizing that it isn’t a sickness or a disorder or a hurdle to leap—is usually a self-affirming experience.

Asexuality is more common than most people believe,

great between people who aren’t in love! But love without sex (or the desire for it) is frequently called out as impossible,

when a person describes a romantic relationship existing without the sexual element, suddenly that person’s love is judged as puppy love, immature love, fairytale love, or something dysfunctional.

desire for sex does not define desire for romance, any more than love’s presence or absence defines whether sex happens. Some asexual

Sex can and does happen without love and it is “real” sex, so why would love require sex to be desired or performed before it can be considered “real?”

Many romantic asexual people have a difficult time realizing they are asexual if they have romantic interests.

Asexual people are the best judges of whether their relationships are romantic. Most would say a relationship becomes romantic when its participants cross a certain threshold of intimacy and access to each other’s lives. That threshold doesn’t have to be sexual.

Biromantic or ambiromantic Romantically attracted to more than one sex or gender.

Sapioromantic Attracted to people based on intelligence

In reality, friendships can be among the deepest relationships people have—and that goes for everyone, not just aromantic people.

So the presence of a sex drive, or a libido, or a desire to self-stimulate, does not disqualify someone from being asexual.

masturbation is separate from sex, and most people who do both wouldn’t stop doing one if they got “enough” of the other.

Some asexual people enjoy sexual activity. Some are indifferent or ambivalent toward sex. And some are repulsed by sex.

they are not sexually attracted to others. Calling oneself asexual does not mean they know without trying that it’s impossible for them to enjoy a sex act, but enjoying a sex act would not make them stop being asexual.

A demisexual label doesn’t describe whether a person has sex, nor does it suggest a person embraces any particular ideology regarding sex. It just means the person sometimes has the capacity to develop sexual attraction if and only if other bonds develop first.

Their orientation is not about sex moralism.

Getting excited over a sexy celebrity may seem nonsensical and baffling to a demisexual person,

it’s different from the way it works for most because they have no concept of “do you think that person’s hot?” just based on how someone looks, sounds, smells, or moves

finding an asexual partner isn’t as simple a solution as it sounds. First of all, asexuality is relatively uncommon, and as of this writing, so is awareness about it.

Even if they choose to come out and discuss it publicly, they are often the only asexual person in their social group.

Asexual people are just not anywhere near as likely to run into each other, and there’s no Asexual Night at the club.

Hah!

In short, it just isn’t practical for all partner-seeking asexual people to specify that their partners must also be asexual.

If the sexual needs in a relationship are mismatched, many will assign the blame for the mismatch to the asexual partner(s) in any relationship.[13] Some see this couple or this group as problematic because “the asexual person doesn’t want sex enough,” not because “the sexual needs here are mismatched.”

Asexual people in relationships—especially women—face coercion and are at higher risk for sexual assault,