The Unseen

by Ali Roberts

“I’ll taser your dick and balls unless you do what I say. So lie back and hold it to your mouth . . .” Jesus Christ. I haven’t exactly been using them lately, but still . . . There's no need to threaten Austin and the Chipmunks. They’re an essential part of me. What would I do without my cock and balls? Well . . . pretty much everything I’ve been doing for the last year or two, but still. You don’t just threaten a man's junk, for fuck’s sake.

“First kidnapping?” he asks, his eyes focused on me. “I don’t make a habit of it.” He rolls back onto his back and closes his eyes. “It’s not for everyone.” He looks goddamn relaxed. Like he hasn’t just been kidnapped and this is all going to just work out.

If your therapist can’t make you better, you can one hundred percent make them worse.

“Can you promise me you’re not in any immediate danger?” he finally asks. “Safe as a baby at a fire station.” “And she doesn’t appear to be unstable?” “Nope,” I quip. “Did she explain why she kidnapped you?” “Not yet, but as you taught me, I’m trying to get that delayed gratification.” “That’s not a good time to use that, Austin,” he huffs out, and I can practically see his eyes roll to the back of his head.

And yes, I write “bed” on my to-do list. Those who don’t understand the utterly gratifying feeling of ticking something off their list wouldn’t get it. But those who are relentless list-makers like myself wouldn’t bat an eye.

who would suspect a fitness vlogger of kidnapping? In the words of Elle Woods, our lord and savior, exercise gives us endorphins, and endorphins make us happy. Happy people just don’t kill their husbands.

“Rule number two, Killer: don’t give your hostage anything hot that they could throw at you.”

“What’s rule number one?” “Don’t come within touching distance.”

Oh god, I’ve made him lose his mind. Is this worse than killing someone? Will a jury give me the death penalty? No . . . I think they got rid of it in Washington a few years ago. Okay, I have to google that later. Can the police see what you search for in incognito mode?

That went better than expected. A light tasering, a cuddle starting with some light wrestling, and a heart-to-heart. Who knew getting a girlfriend could be so fucking easy? You just have to wait for someone to chloroform you.

And if he must know, werewolf smut, where the heroine really does save the day and allows the hero to feel safe enough to be vulnerable. Only with her, though. Only ever with her. Erotic, exciting, and honestly, quite therapeutic. Smut really has it all. Speaking of, I need to get the next book in the series from Olivia when I get home.

“You’re telling me you actually chloroformed yourself willingly? I thought you were joking when you told me that last week.” She arches an eyebrow. “You were doing so well. And you looked so serious; I didn’t want to ruin your flow.”

She says it’s a real Legally Blonde moment, which I pretend not to understand, but bend and fucking snap all you like, my love.

“You’ve got to control your face a bit more,” she says, taking a swig of water. “What do you mean?” “You’ve got this look on your face that says you’re going to pummel anyone that gets too close to me.” “Excellent. That was just the look I was going for.” I wink.

I’m not afraid to grovel and beg, and I am happy to cry in front of her date to make him uncomfortable enough to leave. Bring it on, cowboy, because these tear ducts are primed and ready.