Keep Me Never

by Meagan Brandy

He’s a core member of the new friend group I’ve found myself welcomed into, so we’re a bit of a tangled mess of overlapping history and feelings, and sometimes it seems like Chase is as emotionally available as a locked door with no key in sight.

The universe has a funny way of mocking me, testing and tearing at me, and the moment I think it, a sleek, black SUV pulls up to the curb, and none other than Noah Riley slides out…wearing a deep-navy-blue, three-piece suit.

Noah Riley is a real-life golden boy, unwavering in his composure. He’s a saint in this world, and here I am with mine crumbling all around me—unworthy and losing a fight no one knows I’m in.

My head snaps up, my throat growing tight, but I do what I always do. I force my lips to curve a bit, swallowing the guilt that consumes me whenever he’s near. Hell, whenever he’s so much as mentioned.

Any other man would see me as the enemy after what I did—telling the women he loved that I could love her just the same, begging like a fool for her to give me another chance after I hurt her by choosing my friendship with Mason over her. I led her on, and then I led her right into his arms before I tried to take her back in mine. Not that I would have been able to. She is right where she was meant to be, with the man who was made for her. I still don’t understand why I did it.

I smile at Cameron as she saunters off with too much sass for one person, her red dress tight and long and guaranteed to make Brady puff out his chest like the proud fucker he is, ready to flaunt her in front of any and every one he can get to look her way because he will definitely make a scene just to get people to notice the girl he gets to call his.

I’m a contradiction to my own damn self and I’m so tired of it. I’m tired of being tired of everything.

Paige tips her head, eyeing me. “Why do you do that?” “Do what?” I play dumb. “Pretend you don’t like and respect him when you do? Downplay your worth and try and move the conversation so it’s about someone else? Push down your own excitement like you’re trying to make sure you feel none?”

What the hell could I offer anyone? My bad karma? Some college credits that won’t mean shit without the degree to go with them? A failed football dream? A truck with over two hundred thousand miles on it? I’ve got exactly $322 to my name, and that has to last me months. Nothing. I’ve got fucking nothing.

My eyes connect with Noah’s, and he gives a small smile. Noah, the man of all men. The pro football player. Ari’s fiancé.

So how can I lean into something bigger than me when I’m the lesser man in every equation? When I know without a sliver of doubt that this girl right here, she deserves the kind of man that can give her everything. Not one who can’t even afford a damn meal plan anymore that would make it possible to eat lunch with her every day.

“OMG, Paigey. Let me help you out. The hoodie you grabbed from my bag is Brady’s and Chase is having a moment. I kind of want to torture him a little longer, but I want you to take my man’s number off a little more, so…” She laughs, tugging me in and closing the door.

“Very good, baby.” My breath hitches, palms pressing to his naked chest, fingers spreading wide. “Will you do one more thing for me?” Another little bite. “Of course.” My voice is embarrassingly husky. “Make sure my name or number can be seen. No obstructions, just total confirmation.” His fingers brush along my hair, still tucked in the hoodie. “Just like this?”

Cameron drunkenly hiccups, asking for the rest of Payton’s ice cream, having already finished her own. “Come on, Big Guy. Time to put me to sleep.” Brady hops up so fast, the rest of us chuckle. He sweeps her legs from under her and jogs toward her dorm building, with her bridal style in his arms.

I want to ask him why he’d say that. Ari and I were never more than a moment of… Shit, I hate to say regret. I love and respect her more than that word calls for, but sadly, disgustingly, that is what it has turned into for me. The biggest mistake I ever made that led to the reveal of what a weak boy I was, walking around thinking I was a man because high school was over and college was coming.

I wasn’t even half a man, nothing but an eighteen-year-old kid with no idea about love and loss and the pain those confusing feelings could cause others. You know, I think. Maybe “regret” is the wrong word. I don’t regret her, just my actions all around.

“I haven’t felt like a man since the day I realized I had a long way to go to become one I could be proud of—to become one that my dad would be proud of. For a while there, I wasn’t sure I had it in me, but then you came along.” I trace her lower lip with my thumb, our eyes locked. “We happened, and I need you to know that you make me feel capable, like with you, I can become the best version of myself. I wanna be that for you, Angel. Good. Worthy. Strong.”

The music fades, everyone stands, and then Ari appears in all her bridal glory, her dad at her side, his newborn grandson tucked safely in his arms. My eyes move to Noah, witnessing his choppy inhale and the glossiness in his eyes as he stares down at the two most important people in his life, his bride-to-be and their baby boy.