More Than Two: A practical guide to ethical polyamory

by Eve Rickert

Here's a three-step exercise that he has found incredibly valuable for building internal security: Step 1. Understand that you have a choice. You did not choose your past experiences, of course (the people who made fun of you in fifth grade, or a past partner who told you you weren't good enough), but right now you have a choice about continuing to believe them, or changing the things you believe about yourself. The single hardest thing to do to change your self-image is to realize that you have the choice. The rest gets easier. Step 2. Act like someone who is self-confident, even if you aren't. "Fake it 'til you make it" is a great personal development strategy. You might not control your feelings, but you do control your actions. You control your body; you can choose to act self-confident even if you don't feel it. When faced with something that scares you or makes you feel threatened, think what choice you'd make if you were confident and secure…and then do that. Even if it scares the hell out of you. No one will know. Do you feel insecure when you see your partner kiss his other partner in front of you? Take a deep breath, say "I feel insecure when I see this, but I want you to do it anyway," and let it happen. Acting self-confident will feel phony and forced at first, but gradually it will become normal. Step 3. Practice. You become good at what you practice. A person who is insecure becomes very good at being insecure because he practices all the time. You practice b...