More Than Two: A practical guide to ethical polyamory

by Eve Rickert

Mono/poly relationships offer some unique challenges and require careful negotiation if they are to succeed. Before embarking on a mono/poly relationship, here are a few things to consider: If you are the monogamous partner: Why do I identify as monogamous? Is it because I only want one partner for myself, or because I want my partner to be only with me, or both? Do I enjoy time to myself or without my partner? Do I have hobbies I enjoy alone or with others, and a social life that does not rely on my partner? Am I prepared to face uncomfortable feelings such as jealousy, insecurity and fear about my partner's loyalty, and to put in the work required to overcome them? If you are the poly partner: Am I prepared to give my monogamous partner time and space to process his feelings about my polyamory? Am I prepared to make concessions in my relationship to help the monogamous person work through his feelings? Are there limits on the concessions I will make, either in terms of what I will agree to or the time span of the agreement? For both partners: Do I fully understand my partner's choice to be monogamous or polyamorous, and am I able to accept my partner for who she is? Can I build a relationship that respects the agency not only of each of us, but of others who are involved as well?