More Than Two: A practical guide to ethical polyamory

by Eve Rickert

If you are considering implementing a relationship hierarchy: How do I view potential new partners, both for myself and for my existing partners? Do I see them as potential problems to be managed? Or do I see them as potential sources of joy to enrich my partner's life? How does my approach to hierarchy reflect that view? Are there specific assets, commitments or people (such as children) I am seeking to protect with a hierarchy? Can I imagine other avenues for achieving that protection? Am I open to secondary relationships someday becoming primary relationships, given enough time and investment? What will I do if a secondary partner becomes dissatisfied with the rules that apply to them? Am I willing or able to involve that partner in renegotiations of those rules? If you are considering entering a hierarchy as a secondary partner: Do I clearly understand both the letter and the intent of the rules that will apply to my relationship? Am I comfortable maintaining a relationship within those rules? Am I comfortable with the reasons for the rules? Do I know whether the rules that apply to my relationship are subject to change? If so, who may change them, and how? What input will I have into those changes? Will the term secondary be applied to my relationship, and if so, do I understand how the primary couple is defining the word? Am I comfortable with the definition? Will it be possible for the secondary nature of my relationship to evolve into primary, if my partner and I d...