Defy Me (Shatter Me, #5)

by Tahereh Mafi

He has such unusual eyes. They’re a light, clear green.

It’s Mr. Anderson, my social worker.

“This is Juliette,” Mr. Anderson says, and looks me over. “Tragic”—he sighs—“just like her namesake.”

“Ella Sommers,”

And if you don’t get that, I’m glad things didn’t work out between the two of you.”

And it’s not insane to imagine that sometimes even horrible

people are searching for a way out of their own darkness.”

The spark dies.

“Will you at least look at me when I’m talking to you?” “Can’t.” “What?” She sounds startled. “What do you mean you can’t?” “Can’t look at you.” She hesitates. “Why not?” “Too pretty.”

Thank you for appreciating my face. I’ve always thought I had an underappreciated face.”

His eyes are a stunning, clear green, and he has rich, golden hair. And he’s staring at me, his eyes wide with an emotion I can’t decipher.

“You and that damn boy. If I have to hear his name one more time—”

She seems so familiar to me, like I might’ve seen her before. Maybe in a dream.

But I was drawn down here, magnetized to her by something beyond my control.

But when she looks me directly in the eye I feel my heart go suddenly, terrifyingly still. A skipped beat.

And she smiles. Smiles at me and my heart shatters. “Trust me,” she says. “I’d remember you.”

You don’t know that Aaron has been in love with Ella for the better part of his entire life. They’ve known each other since childhood.”

The reason he had to keep wiping their memories was because it didn’t matter how many times he reset the story or remade the introductions— Aaron always fell in love with her. Every time.

My dead heart jumps at the sight of her slight frame, a spark of life trying, desperately, to ignite. “Juliette,” I whisper.

He ripped her away from me. Literally ripped her out of my arms.

She felt familiar, like I’d always known her.

but now, sitting next to this strange blond boy with the light green eyes, I’m beginning to feel like things might be okay.

In this new, turbulent reality, the one person I recognize anymore is him.

Aaron Warner Anderson is the only emotional through line in my life that ever made sense. He’s the only constant. The only steady, reliable heartbeat I’ve ever had.

Aaron, Aaron, Aaron, Aaron

Ella.

I need to find her. I have to find her.

And I know that there’s nothing—nothing I won’t do to get to her.

Nothing matters anymore. I have to find her.

I will find her. And when I do, I will find a way to move forward with her, by my side, forever.

“I can’t lose him, Kenji.” My voice is shaking. My hands

are shaking. “I can’t— You don’t know— You don’t—”

“Forgive me,” I whisper. “I know it all seems stupid now, but I don’t want to take anything for granted anymore. Forgive me for hurting you. Forgive me for not trusting you. I took my pain out on you and I’m so sorry. I was selfish, and I hurt you, and I’m so sorry.”

“Love,” he says, “there’s nothing to forgive.”

She’s clinging to me like she might never let go and it does something to me, something heady, to know that she could possibly want me—or need me—like this. It makes me want to protect her even if she doesn’t need protecting. It makes me want to carry her away. Lose track of time.

Gently, I stroke her hair. Press my lips to her forehead.

feels. All this time, I’d been preparing to win her back. To try to convince her, somehow, to see past my demons.

My love. My beautiful love.

And I realize then, in a moment that terrifies me, that I want this, forever. I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I want to build a future with her. I want to grow old with her. I want to marry her.

Like he’s always been here. Always lived in my heart.

“You know— I feel everything when you touch me, love. I can feel your excitement. Your nervousness. Your pleasure. And I love it,” he says quietly. “I love the way you respond to me. I love the way you want me. I feel it, when you lose yourself, the way you trust me when we’re together. And I feel your love for me,” he whispers. “I feel it in my bones.” He turns away. “I have loved you my entire life.”

“And after everything we’ve been through—after all the lies and the secrets and the misunderstandings—I feel like we’ve been given a chance to start fresh. I want to start over,”

he says. “I never want to lie to you again. I want us to trust each other and be tru...

“Ella,” he says, his voice rough with feeling. “I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”

“You are a plague upon my life, Kishimoto.” “I said you’re welcome.” Aaron sighs, heavily. “What I would give to snap your neck right now, you have no idea.”

Kenji flips us both off.

It’s my turn to frown. “Kenji is my best friend,” I say. “I love him like a brother.” “But—” “I love you, too, princess,” Kenji says, a little too loudly. “And I appreciate you saying that.” Aaron mutters something under his breath that sounds suspiciously like, “Unwashed idiot.”

Kenji looks like he might be choking. “A cartoon?” he says, outraged. “Tangled is not a cartoon. Tangled is one of the greatest movies of all time. It’s about fighting for freedom and true love.”

“Zero people skills,” Kenji mutters.

Aaron puts his arm around me, pulls me close. “Together,” he whispers. “No matter what.”