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Those eyes stop me in my tracks. They steal the words from my throat, my own name from my memory.
“Emmett Brodie, at your service, my queen.”
“My, you’re eager. Aren’t you going to ask my name first?” “Nah. Already know it.” With a perfect, wide grin, Emmett Brodie deposits his phone into my hand. It’s opened to the New Contact page, except the name field has already been filled out. Mrs. Brodie.
“C’mon, Mrs. Brodie. The quicker we get through the formalities, the quicker we get to the fun stuff, like my ring on your finger and you in my bed for the rest of our lives.”
“But one look is all it took to know you had to be mine. I don’t deserve you now, but I’m gonna spend the rest of my life making up for that, and when I die, I’ll be a worthy man.” He tilts my head back, mouth hovering a breath from mine. “Tell me I can have you, gorgeous. Because it’s you or no one.”
This kiss is everything you ever dream of. It’s shaking hands, biting nails, suffocating grips. It’s hot breath, lashing tongues, hungry moans, and desperate whimpers. It’s realizing that everyone before him has meant nothing, because this? This is what it feels like to be alive. To want something so bad all semblance of control leaves my body on a single breath. I want to give it up, all of it, the power I always squeeze tightly in my fist, and let him take it, wield it however he sees fit. I don’t have to wonder if I trust him enough; I just … do.
“Because my heart stopped when I saw you. Because when you turned to walk away, my body said I think the fuck not.” Sweat trickles down his temple, and his mouth takes mine in a searing kiss that has me trying to crawl inside him. “Because never in my life have I felt the way I feel right now, inside you, like I’m exactly where I’m meant to be. I don’t know why, but I know every time I look at you…brain just keeps screaming mine.”
I was unstoppable before Emmett. With him, I’m indestructible.
“Don’t let the voices win,” he whispers, pressing his forehead to mine. “They don’t know you the way I do. They don’t know your fight. My loud girl doesn’t let anyone else dictate the rules. Me and you, Care? We build our own rules.”
“I don’t need to know everything about you to want to date you. Getting to learn you is gonna be half the fun.”
You’re the only thing in this world I love more than hockey, and you win by a fucking landslide.”
“You’re my landslide, Emmett. Everything I thought I knew fell to my feet when our worlds collided. Then we rebuilt a world together, and I finally understood why good things needed to end so something so much more beautiful could be built in their place.”
You’re the only star in my sky, but I plan on filling your sky with stars today.
Thank you for taking my heart, for holding it gently, and keeping it safe. It’s felt at home every step of the way since I found you. Thank you for showing me what it means to be brave. To be bold. To fight for what you want. I thought I was strong before you, but I know now: I’m strong because of you. I am who I am because of you, Cara. Because you love me in ways I didn’t know existed. Because everything made sense the first time we kissed. Because I found a home in your eyes, your arms, and your heart. Because with your hand in mine, I can breathe. How fucking lucky am I?
Don’t stop showing up.”
Scared of the future. Scared of the state of my brain, and whether Emmett can love me enough for the both of us. Scared of whether my love will be enough for him. Because at the end of this, that might be the only thing I have to offer him in this lifetime. And that? That’s what makes me wish for the numbness.
“There will be a rainbow after our storm, too, Cara. I know it.”
I don’t know infertility, Care, but I do know grief. And I can promise you, there is another side. There is a life to be built, a future that has the possibility to be just as beautiful as the one you’d hoped for. It doesn’t have to be the end. There is never an end where love exists.”
“You are the only thing he’s ever wanted,”
All that hurt, those clouds, and those rainy days? We live with them because that love, the love that drove our lives to change, it never ceases to exist.”
Love makes life worth living, even in the face of everything we lose along the way.”
“Do you hear me, Cara? I was existing before you. But since you? Since you, I’ve been living.”
“You’re here, Cara, and I’m wherever you are. Do you hear me? I am wherever you are. All of me. I don’t exist without you.”
You aren’t whole, but you aren’t meant to be. You’re broken. And the beautiful thing about being broken? There’s so much more space for the light to shine in. And in that light, you get to rebuild yourself however the fuck you want to.”
Emmett is the long haul. With me through the easy, with me through the hard.
“Breathe, baby. Breathe with me. Because I can’t breathe without you.”
“I’ll fight for you on the days you’re too tired to do it yourself.”
There isn’t a version of you I’m not going to love, because I love you, Cara. Right down to your bones.”
“There isn’t a world out there, a lifetime that exists from now until forever, where I’m not yours and you’re not mine.
Look this fight right in its face and tell it, with everything you are, that you aren’t going to let it win. That you’re willing to bend, but under no circumstances are you willing to break. Tell it to fuck right off.
“What do we say at bedtime?” I ask as he spreads pink paint over his paper. “I am smart. I am kind. I am important. And I can do anything!” He pumps his fist through the air, just like we do every night,
“The only peace goodbye has ever brought me is the certainty that there is so, so much love between that first hello and the final farewell. If only it made the word any easier to say.”
She asks him what his favorite thing to do at our house is. Making pizza with Emmett, watching hockey with me, reading under the stars with both of us, and being a team. That’s what he says.
Love yourself enough to chase it. Love yourself enough to know that the only person who determines your worth is you. Love yourself enough, value yourself so much, that giving up? It’s no longer an option. Sometimes the only voice cheering you on is your own, so it should always be the loudest.”
Maybe happiness is understanding I’ll never be the same person I was before, thanking her for everything she did for me, saying goodbye, and welcoming the woman I was always meant to be.
The truth is I am happy. With myself, with this life. But more than that? I’m full of love and gratitude for the life I’ve lived, and the one I haven’t lived yet, and the body, the heart that sees me through all of it. After all, it’s the fissures in my heart that made space for the light to shine through.
“Put it in your pocket for later.”
“The Stanley Cup is nice. But me? I’ve already won at life.”
“I wished for you. When I wished on the stars tonight, I wished for you. Good night, Mommy. Goodnight, Daddy. I love you.”
There’s no room for those thoughts to hold any real weight, because the just right kind of love whispers louder, until it's impossible to ignore.
I’ve learned that loving myself looks different at every stage. It means giving myself grace, seeing my worth at my best, and finding it at my worst, too. It means reminding myself that I’m enough. That I was enough yesterday, am enough today, and will be enough tomorrow, no matter what happens.
“Just because I love you, and you’re my bestest friends in the whole wide stinkin’ world. I’m so lucky to be your Abel.”
My today, and every tomorrow.
Love isn’t easy. It’s not supposed to be. But loving you, firefly? Loving you is the easiest choice I’ve ever made, and I’ll choose you for the rest of my tomorrows.”
“This is the version of me that I love, this one I found with you guys by my side.”
Because the truth is, friends like these, this family we’ve found, built from the ground up, fought for every step of the way … they’ll save you every damn time. And that? That is something I will always cling to. I was unstoppable before them. With them, I’m indestructible.
“I hope we find each other in every lifetime.”
