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“My Cara, um, my Cara said that we is gonna go to your hockey tonight. Did you know? I—I… I gonna be there, so if you get scared while you is skating, you can come to give me a hug, and then you will feel better, right?”
He gasps, hoisting himself up on a stool. “A dinosaur? Emmett, you made me a dinosaur for brunch?” “I tried my best.” He hops right back off the stool, disappearing behind the island. He reappears a moment later, wrapped around my legs as he hugs me tight. With his chin on my thigh and a devastating grin just for me, he tells me, “I’m so lucky you’re my Emmett,” and I hope to God that if there’s only one thing in this world I can do right other than loving Cara, it’s loving Abel. I scoop him into my arms, hugging him tight. “I’m so lucky you’re my Abel.”
“Ireland, can I put my rocks in your—” “No tanks.” “But, Ireland, baby, Dada’s pockets are full, and—” “No! No wock! No wock, Dada!”
“Emmett! Emmett!” Abel jumps up and down, smacking the glass as Lennon snaps a picture of him, my favorite fan, my name on his back, and my hat on his head. “That’s my Emmett! I love you, Emmett!”
“Nobody’s watching Mitts,” Jaxon says as we head for the hallway. “In case anyone was wondering. Poor guy’s just fending for himself all evening and night, wondering where Mommy and Daddy are, and if anyone loves him at all.”
“Mr. Andersen, Vancouver’s favorite awkward boy, what’s on your lock screen?” Garrett’s already snickering, phone ready in his hand. “Carter. Carter, are you watching?” He flashes his phone screen: a photo of Jennie’s reflection in the mirror of her dance studio. “Wow, a photo of my beautiful sister,” Carter mutters, rolling his eyes. “Yeah, it’s my-my”—he squeezes his eyes shut, and very real tears drip out of them as he shakes with laughter—“my pregame meal!” “You motherfucker!” Carter hollers, taking off down the hall after a squealing Garrett. “Sisterfucker,” Lennon corrects under her
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“Did you have fun at your first hockey game?” He lays one hand on my cheek, resting his forehead against mine, a tender smile that won’t quit as he whispers, “I’m so lucky you’re my Emmett.” My eyes fall shut at the feeling that sweeps through me, a slow-moving river quietly demanding more, carving a new path through unfamiliar terrain, a gentle voice that promises in no uncertain terms that I’ll never be the same again, not after knowing a love like this. “And I’m so lucky you’re my Abel.”
Yes, he thinks I’m gorgeous always, and he would always, always, always fuck me. Thank you for pointing that out.” I reach forward to squeeze her shoulder, smiling at her in the rearview mirror. “But I don’t just want to be fucked, I want to be destroyed. Annihilated. I want to forget how to walk, how to speak, and honestly? I want to call him Daddy and see how he reacts.”
“I was so demure,” I mimic. “Says the girl who fucked her way through seven condoms the first night she slept with Adam.”
Abel, Connor, Ireland, and Lily are each behind the wheel of ride-on BMWs, each one a different color, shiny and new.
“Look what we have here. Do you know how fast you were going, little lady?” Ireland snickers into her hand, the rest of the kids folding over their steering wheels in fits of giggles. Carter tears off his sunglasses, gripping the side of her car as he bends over. “Something funny?” She sticks her finger in his face. “Yo’ face funny!”
“These cars look familiar to you, officers? Like the ones that were, oh, I dunno … stolen from the dealership last night?” Lily erupts into a fit of giggles, shaking her head. “No! We didn’t!” “Hear that, officers? Seems we got ourselves a giggler.” Jaxon rounds her car slowly, peeling off his sunglasses, placing the tip in his mouth as he crouches into a squat at her door. “I’m gonna ask you this once and only once, little lady. Where’d you get the car?”
“Do you wanna go inside and talk about it?” “No,”
“I’m sad, and I think I will like some space right now,”
“Cara? Wanna come have space with me?” Swallowing my snicker, I climb the stairs, taking a seat beside him. “Of course, my darling. Do you want quiet space, or would you like to talk about what’s bothering you?” “I just missed you,”
“Emmett let me snuggle with him in bed. We looked at pictures of you, because he missed you too. He said sometimes when he’s at hockey and he misses us too much, he looks at pictures of us and says what he wants to say to us.” I brush his auburn waves from his forehead. “What did you say to me?” “I said … I said three things.” He holds up four fingers, then second-guesses, counting them out and laying one back down. “I said I miss you, I love you, and can we have ice cream when you get home.” The look he hits me with is so hopeful, I feel it bloom in my own chest. “Did you hear me?”
“I think I always hear you, Abel.”
He beams up at me, and I know this moment was always meant to exist. “I love you, too, Abel.”
This is Emmett’s tactic. The effortless way he loves these tiny humans, makes them feel special and worthy, lives for their laughter. He’s a good uncle, a good foster parent, a good friend. He’s a good man. My good man. And there is nothing in this world more attractive to me than that.
“My heart is feeling a lot of things right now,” I tell him quietly, sniffing as I place my hands over his on my face. “My heart is funny like that, too, sometimes. Sometimes my heart wants to cry for my Catharine, but it’s happy because I have my Cara, and my Emmett.” He places his small hand over my heart and rests his forehead against mine. “It’s okay, though. Hearts are big, so we can feel anything we want to feel.”
And so the truth? The truth is I am happy. With myself, with this life. But more than that? I’m full of love and gratitude for the life I’ve lived, and the one I haven’t lived yet, and the body, the heart that sees me through all of it. After all, it’s the fissures in my heart that made space for the light to shine through.
“Look! I’m doin’ down dog! Do you see me? I’m doin’ it!” “I see you, buddy.” I always do. I see the way his eyes follow Cara everywhere we go, so bright and full of love, like he can’t believe she exists. I see the way he looks to us when he meets new people or tries new things, how he places all his trust in us to keep him safe. I see how he’s grown into himself, found his passions and given himself permission to explore them without fear of making mistakes. I see the grace he’s learned to give himself when mistakes happen, the kind and encouraging words he uses to speak to himself, the way
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He presses a loud kiss to his palm, then blows it at me. “Put it in your pocket for later.” I catch his air kiss, stuffing it in my pocket before I blow one back that he catches enthusiastically. “Put it in your pocket for later.”
My name is Cara Nicole Brodie, and I am proud to be a puck slut.
“Hey, ref! You wanna screw my boys, you better take them for dinner first!”
“Yeah!” Abel screams, jumping up and down at my side. He’s the cutest thing I’ve ever seen in his custom embroidered denim jacket, Brodie on his back, above Emmett’s number. “And my Emmett, he-he … he likes steak and mashed taters!”
“Hey, ref! Wanna borrow my phone?” I scream as Emmett pulls himself to his feet, flying after Carter and Garrett, the three of them soaring down the ice to protect Adam as the defensemen are caught in the middle of a line change. “Maybe then you’ll finally make a f—” “Phone call!” Abel finishes for me, slapping his teensy hands on the plexiglass, grinning up at me. “So close, buddy. So close. Just a call.” Fucking call was what I was gonna say, but it is what it is. “Oh. Hey, ref! Wanna borrow my Cara’s phone? You can finally make a call!” I grin, holding my fist up to Abel, winking when he
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“I can go potty by myself, okay? Because I’m a big boy, okay?” “Oh, really?” I cross my arms over my chest, smiling. “Is that so?” “Yeah, because I’m almost four.” He holds up four fingers, then shrugs. “I guess I will not need you to take me potty anymore when I is four.” He steps forward, hand on my arm. “But don’t be sad, ’kay? I still need you for other stuff. I just need some privacy, ’cause I is a big boy now. That’s all.”
It’s a video of me with the audio removed. I’m naked, but largely blurred by the water from the shower raining down on the glass. It’s hard to see, but if you’ve got a keen eye for details like my man does, you won’t miss me, one hand playing with my clit, the other with my boobs, while I’m bouncing on the suction cup dildo Emmett had made for me as part of our wedding gift. It’s a replica of his own cock. Me Bring that Cup home tonight and I’ll send you the version with sound so you can hear whose name I was moaning when I fucked myself.
“I’m so lucky to be your Cara,” I whisper in his ear, hugging him tight. “And I’m so lucky to be your Abel,” he whispers back.
This one says it was filmed twenty-seven years ago. Which puts the little boy on the screen at four years old. “Carter. Carter, look at Mama.” The little boy sitting at the old wooden table looks up from what he’s doing. He grins at the camera, pulling in a set of deep, heart-stopping dimples that earn an aww from this massive crowd. “What, Mama? I’m twistin’ my Oreos.” A young Holly Beckett snickers from behind the video camera, and the present-day mama chokes out a sob from my left. “It’s a special day today. You’re four years old.” “I know,” he says simply. “And it’s Valentine’s Day. You’re
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“The best big brother ever,” he says, and Jennie chokes out a laugh as the camera flips down to show Holly’s bump. “And I wanna be kind. And brave. And I wanna … I wanna make people laugh. And, oh! A hockey player. Yeah, I’m gonna be a hockey player, and I’m gonna be so big, and so fast, and I’ll score more goals than Wayne Gretzky.” Holly laughs. “I think you could do all that if you set your mind to it. I think you can do anything.” His eyes light, vibrant and green and full of mischief. “Anything?” Holly nods. “Anything.” He twists an Oreo apart, dunking the icing-free half in milk while he
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“My name is Carter Beckett—” “And me is I-land Bucket—” “And we’re Oreo’s biggest fans.”
“What will you wish for?” he asks me quietly, looking up at me with hopeful eyes as he fidgets with the buttons on my pajama top. “I won’t tell no one, and if you say it quiet, I don’t think anyone else will hear.” I smile softly, cupping his cheek as my thumb moves over the flush of his skin. “This moment right here, over and over.” Abel grins, settling back against my chest. “That’s a nice wish. What would you wish for, Emmett?” Emmett looks up at the stars for a moment before his gaze coasts down to me and Abel. “If you and Cara were the only stars in my sky, that would be enough for me.”
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“Does anybody call you Mommy and Daddy?” Emmett meets my gaze before shaking his head. “No.” “If I called you that, would it make you feel special?” “Oh, honey. You don’t need to call us Mommy or Daddy to make us feel special.” Emmett cups his cheek, tilting Abel’s gaze to his. “You make us feel special every single day.” “But what if I wanted to? One day?”
“If one day you wanted to.” Abel thinks for a moment, then nods. “Okay,” he murmurs as his eyes close again, as he snuggles beneath the blankets.
“I wished for you. When I wished on the stars tonight, I wished for you. Good night, Mommy. Goodnight, Daddy. I love you.”
Making pancakes for breakfast with Daddy and eating in the backyard with Mommy. Painting on FaceTime with Mémère, and playing hockey with Daddy in the driveway while Mommy cheers for him. Making homemade pizzas for dinner, and watching the fireworks with his family.
“Mommy.” Abel tugs on my shorts, looking up at me with wide eyes. “I’m sorry. I is just sad that my whole big family isn’t here, but I is still happy that my little family is here.” “You don’t ever have to apologize for feeling sad, Abel. You feel however you need to feel, and we’ll help you through it. Okay?” He nods, wrapping his arms around me, pressing his cheek into my hip. When Emmett and I take a seat on the blankets, he climbs in the middle, snuggling up between us. “This is my favorite,” he says with a happy sigh. “Fireworks?” Emmett asks. “You,” Abel answers.
Abel wraps his arms around us, squeezing us tight. Emmett blinks. “What was that for?” “Just because I love you, and you’re my bestest friends in the whole wide stinkin’ world. I’m so lucky to be your Abel.” And I think … I think that’s how I know. That if today is our ending, if today we say goodbye, I would do it all over again.
“Abel has the childhood I always wanted him to have,” she continues, “and the childhood I wish I’d had. He has that because of the way you love him. And he deserves that. He deserves parents who love him because they want to, not because they have to.”
“I’ve decided to sign over the adoption rights. I think, for all intents and purposes, you’re already Abel’s parents. So if it’s okay with you … I’d like to sign those rights directly over to you.” I choke out a sob, my entire body trembling as Emmett curls into my side, drops his face to my shoulder, and cries. But it’s what Catharine says next that has my legs giving out, me dropping to my knees, scooped against Emmett’s chest as we weep for the greatest gift we’ve ever been given. “I’d like you to be Abel’s parents. Officially, and permanently.”
I want to be powerful, too. I want to be in charge of my safe place.” “Oh.” He looks down for a moment, as if searching for his words. “Where Peter and Elizabef can’t yell anymore? And it’s okay if … it’s okay if you spill your milk?” She grins. “Where I can make as many messes as I want.” Abel smiles back, stepping forward to wrap his arms around her neck. “If you make a mess, I will help you to clean it up, ’kay? ’Cause we is family, and family helps.”
“I’m so lucky you’re my Catharine.” “And I’m so lucky you’re my Abel.” Abel tucks his hand into mine as Catharine starts down the front steps. “My Catharine is goin’ to school. She’s gonna write poems.”
“Are we going home now, Mommy?” “We’re going home, Abel.”
“it does feel a little exclusive. Like, Mittens wanted to come, and I had to break it to him that—” “Did he say that?” His gaze slides to me. “What?” “Mittens. Your cat. Did he say he wanted to come?” He stares at me. Blinks once, then twice. “He didn’t need to say it. We have a soul connection.”
“Cat lady!” Jaxon points to the little girl in a fluffy robe and her hair in big rollers, cat stuffies pinned all over her. “That kid’s a cat lady!” He starts a slow clap that nobody else joins in on, but it doesn’t deter him. “Give her the award! Best. Costume. Ever!”
“Mommy! Daddy!” A grin splits my face in two as that little boy ditches his line, races over as best he can while wearing horns and a tail longer than he is tall. He collides with Emmett and me as the rest of our family hoots and hollers, and I sink into the feeling, this certainty that I’m exactly where I’m meant to be in this life, loving and being loved by exactly who I’m meant to. And that? That right there is a special kind of peace.
“Why are you crying, sweet boy?” “I’m so lucky,” he manages on a hiccup. “I’m so lucky you’re my mommy and my daddy.” I take his hand in mine, squeezing gently as Emmett cradles Abel’s face in his strong hands and tells him with no uncertainty, “And we’re so lucky you’re our Abel.”
“If you and your mama were the only stars in my sky, that would be all I needed.”
