Breathe With Me (Playing For Keeps #5)

by Becka Mack

She turns, slowly, and like always, my heart skips. She’s so beautiful, she’s fucking ethereal.

I don’t know how long we stand there, me crying in his arms, but when I feel like I can breathe again, when I can hear the pounding of my racing heart and the pattering rain on the window, Carter rests his chin on top of my head. His following breath is deep and steadying, and when he sniffs, my heart aches with the knowledge that he’s taken on every ounce of my pain he can manage in this moment.

Carterrrrr😭😭😭😭

“You don’t normally forget.” I look up, finding Carter paused in the doorway, head down. “Forget what?” “How amazing you are. The rest of us do. We have our moments. A lot of them. And one thing that’s always constant in those moments? You, lifting us up. Reminding us who we are. Shouting it at us until we remember. Until we get back on our feet. And we do get back on our feet. You help us.” He glances at me over his shoulder. “So this is your reminder. You’re amazing, Care. Strong, even though you shouldn’t have to be strong all the time. Brave, even when you don’t want to be. But that doesn’t mean you aren’t allowed to fall apart.” A smile, small but sincere. Warm and sure, in every way I need it to be. “We’re here for you. Always will be. Lean on us when you’re tired. We’ll lift you up.”

know, baby. I know. So let me do it for you. Let me be the strong one. Let me be brave. Let me fight, Cara. I’ll fight for you every damn day, until I take my last breath, and after that? After that I’ll find a way to keep fighting. You’re not alone, Cara.”

I sob harder, trying like hell to free myself. “Why are you here, Emmett? Why are you still here when you could be anywhere else?” “Because you’re here!” he shouts, hauling me against his heaving chest, forehead pressed to mine as he breathes. His fingers flex around my wrists, squeezing and releasing, like he’s fighting for self-control. “Because you’re here,” he repeats, barely a breath this time, his hands moving to my face, cradling it gently. “You’re here, Cara, and I’m wherever you are. Do you hear me? I am wherever you are. All of me. I don’t exist without you.”

You can feel whatever you need to feel. But you’ll do it with me. All of it. Because I’ll be here, right where I’ve always been, at your side every goddamn step of the way. Do you hear me? There is no me without you.

“Breathe,” he whispers. “Breathe, baby.”

“Breathe, baby. Breathe with me. Because I can’t breathe without you.”

I want to fight for us. And I want to win. I will win. We will.

“There isn’t a world out there, a lifetime that exists from now until forever, where I’m not yours and you’re not mine. I don’t need to dream about a brighter future, because wherever life takes me, I’ll be standing next to you. You’re my life, Cara. My yesterday, my today, and my tomorrow. And I’m going to love you right for every one of those days.”

Look this fight right in its face and tell it, with everything you are, that you aren’t going to let it win. That you’re willing to bend, but under no circumstances are you willing to break. Tell it to fuck right off. You hear me?”

all I can do is stare down at her in wonder. The woman who wondered if she could do it not five minutes ago, over here doing it.

Look at that gorgeous cunt. Why’s it so wet, baby? Thinking about my cock stretching it out, taking what I need, filling you with my cum just so I can lick it out of you after? Or do you want me to use it as lube so I can pull out that pretty little gem and slide into your ass, fuck all that cum right back into you?

“Emmett?” He lays one hand over his chest, his mini blue Vipers jersey with my name and number on his back, the dinosaur stuffy tucked under his arm wearing a matching jersey, crocheted by Jaxon’s gran. “My Cara, um, my Cara said that we is gonna go to your hockey tonight. Did you know? I—I… I gonna be there, so if you get scared while you is skating, you can come to give me a hug, and then you will feel better, right?”

my heart cannot handle this sweet angel boy

With his chin on my thigh and a devastating grin just for me, he tells me, “I’m so lucky you’re my Emmett,” and I hope to God that if there’s only one thing in this world I can do right other than loving Cara, it’s loving Abel. I scoop him into my arms, hugging him tight. “I’m so lucky you’re my Abel.”

“All right, I’ve heard enough.” Carter fiddles with his utility belt—oh, did I forget to mention that he’s clearly taking his role as a police officer very seriously, and is fully decked out in a cop costume?—and brings a walkie-talkie to his mouth. “Come in, puck bunnies. Officer Daddy to puck bunnies, do you read me?” “Did he just say Officer Daddy?” Lennon whispers. “He just said Officer Daddy,” Rosie confirms. “I’m gonna vomit,” Jennie whispers. Olivia’s gaze falls down his body before slowly coming back up. “I’m so into it. I want to be ashamed to say that, but I’m not.” “We read you,” Emmett’s voice sounds over the walkie-talkie. “But please don’t ever call yourself Officer Daddy again.” “Negative, Officer Buzzkill.” Carter grabs his belt loop, hiking up his shorts, and I promise you this: If there’s one thing those shorts do not need, it’s to be hiked up.

Carter tucks his walkie-talkie away, flicking his brows up at the kids. “You hear that? This little joyride of yours is over. Your days of fun? Numbered.” Sirens cut through the air, and the kids snap to attention, shrieking with laughter as, one by fucking one, Emmett, Adam, Garrett, and Jaxon roll out from the side of the house, each stuffed in their own police car. They park their rides next to Carter, each struggling exactly the way he did as they climb out, lining up beside him, pulling off their sunglasses, placing their hands on their hips, like this whole thing is a choreographed routine they’ve been practicing for weeks. “Well, well, well,” Emmett murmurs, swinging a set of handcuffs around his finger, and I am so certain we’ll be using those tonight. “Where are you four heading in such a rush?” Adam tips his sunglasses down. “Now I know you’re not trying to skip town on us, are you?”

Lily erupts into a fit of giggles, shaking her head. “No! We didn’t!” “Hear that, officers? Seems we got ourselves a giggler.” Jaxon rounds her car slowly, peeling off his sunglasses, placing the tip in his mouth as he crouches into a squat at her door. “I’m gonna ask you this once and only once, little lady. Where’d you get the car?”

“Oh, and let me guess.” Jaxon spreads his arms wide. “The kids should get the cars, but we shouldn’t?” Adam scuffs at the ground with his shoe. “I wanna have fun too.” Emmett frowns at me. “We’re tending to our inner children.”

“I’m sad, and I think I will like some space right now,” he murmurs, then hangs his head, starting a trek up the staircase. He stops halfway, taking a seat on the step, dropping his chin to his hands, huffing another award-winning sigh. He sits there for all of thirty seconds before he lifts his head and shouts, “Cara? Wanna come have space with me?”

My shayla😭

“Emmett let me snuggle with him in bed. We looked at pictures of you, because he missed you too. He said sometimes when he’s at hockey and he misses us too much, he looks at pictures of us and says what he wants to say to us.”

“Goddammit.” I sniffle, swatting at a stupid, stray tear. “That was …” “A cinematic masterpiece,” Olivia breathes out, tears streaming down her face. She leaps to her feet, slapping her palms against the glass. “Somebody get my man an Oscar! You did it, baby!”

“Oh my God, this is so bad. This is so bad.” Olivia grips her distressed face, pulling her lower eyelids down. “Watching him play like this, when he’s so confident and in control and being a leader, it … it does things to me. Scary, scary things.” I arch my brow. “Like what?” “It gives the thoughts in my head a voice. And do you know what they say?” She leans closer, brown eyes wild with terror as she whispers, “You could do it. You could handle one more baby.” I bark out a laugh, slapping a hand across her eyes and pulling her into my chest. “Shhh, Ollie. Don’t let the voices win.”

Emmett looks up at the stars for a moment before his gaze coasts down to me and Abel. “If you and Cara were the only stars in my sky, that would be enough for me.” Abel yawns, fist curled under his chin as his eyes flutter closed. “I like that one too. I’ll always be one of your stars.” He’s out just moments later, but Emmett and I sit there beneath the stars for another thirty minutes, soaking up the quiet, warm love, one we’ve been so lucky to find.

Emmett twines his fingers through mine, and we tiptoe across the room. For the second time tonight, a little voice stops us in our tracks, right before we can close the door. “I wished for you. When I wished on the stars tonight, I wished for you. Good night, Mommy. Goodnight, Daddy. I love you.”

Sobbing

And if I could give him one thing, just one, it would be loving him just right. Because when done right, oh, man, love is such a powerful, crazy thing. When someone loves you right, they show you how to love yourself. They show you how to let other people love you, how to value yourself enough that you accept nothing less. The just right kind of love has the power to erase all the negative thoughts one by one, the labels we’ve slowly given meaning to. There’s no room for those thoughts to hold any real weight, because the just right kind of love whispers louder, until it's impossible to ignore.

Last night, we told Abel we’d spend the day doing whatever he wanted. We said it was to celebrate his birthday month arriving, not that we were terrified it was our last night together. And what did he choose for his day? Making pancakes for breakfast with Daddy and eating in the backyard with Mommy. Painting on FaceTime with Mémère, and playing hockey with Daddy in the driveway while Mommy cheers for him. Making homemade pizzas for dinner, and watching the fireworks with his family.

I take her hands in mine as tears slide down our cheeks in time. “I’m gonna hold your hand while I say this, and I mean absolutely no disrespect, the people who brought you into this world are total pieces of donkey shit.” She barks out a laugh, half sob. “Liar. I heard the disrespect.” “Sorry, I’m a horrible liar. Disrespect, so much of it. All the disrespect in the world.” I wrap my arms around her, this woman who’s brought this most beautiful gift into this world of ours. “I hope you can look back on these years and know with certainty that you always did your best. The times when we’re barely keeping our heads above water? We’re still breathing. We’re doing our best. So go chase your dreams, put yourself first, and build the life you want.

I back up one step, then another, and Emmett reaches out, fingers gently wrapping around my throat, hauling me back to him. “Hi, Mama,” he whispers, the words pressed against my lips as he pries them open, slipping his tongue inside. “Hi, Daddy.” He groans, dropping his head to my shoulder. “No. You can’t. Not Daddy. You know what it does to me.”

Maybe things can happen and fucking suck and hurt and tear you apart from the inside out. And maybe, sometimes, there can still be a reason for it all. To force change so you can finally heal, so you can be the one who steps up and breaks the cycle, so you can help others navigate the waves when they’re fresh. Maybe the reason is what’s lying on the other side. The clarity that comes one day, when the fog lifts and you realize you survived something you were so certain you wouldn’t. The gentle love you finally give yourself after being deprived for so long, the affirmations you finally feed yourself, the same ones you actually believe after finally—fucking finally—putting your foot down, refusing to give a voice to the cruel thoughts in your head that try harder than anyone to tear you down. I don’t know, but I do know this: It wasn’t for nothing.

I lean back in my chair, staring out at my gorgeous family, all the kids and the wives spread out on an oversized picnic blanket on the grass. “Do you think everybody finds this?” I ask quietly. Carter looks at me. “What’s that?” “This. What we have. What we found in each other.” The boys are quiet as they watch their wives and kids. As they look at each other. “No,” Carter finally answers, “I don’t. And that’s devastating.” “I don’t know what I’d do without you guys,” Adam admits. “Or where I’d be,” Garrett adds. “Or who I’d be.” Jaxon rests his elbows on his knees. “Don’t think I found myself until I found you guys.” “Yeah.” I look down, nodding. “This is the version of me that I love, this one I found with you guys by my side.” Somebody sniffles, followed by another, and then another. “All right.” Carter climbs to his feet, gesturing at himself. “Let’s go. Bring it in. Group hug.”

“I’m gonna take all your money,” Lana taunts, getting right in his face as she sticks out her tongue at him. “That’s my girl!” Cara hollers. “Take him for all he’s got, baby!” Hunter just grins that signature Beckett grin, like he knows something the rest of us don’t. Then, he leans forward, and the little shit presses a loud smooch right on my daughter’s surprised mouth. Not as loud as the sound of her fist hitting his cheek, though, as she sends him ass first into the grass, Olivia screaming about consent as she rushes toward them, while Cara gives our daughter a standing ovation, complete with whistling and the kind of language she usually reserves for the arena.