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An eye roll, and Debbie mutters something about me being nearly as theatrical as somebody named Carter Beckett. Do I immediately like him because we’re alike, or do I hate him because nobody outshines Cara Nicole Hunter? Only time will tell.
“My, you’re eager. Aren’t you going to ask my name first?” “Nah. Already know it.” With a perfect, wide grin, Emmett Brodie deposits his phone into my hand. It’s opened to the New Contact page, except the name field has already been filled out. Mrs. Brodie.
“C’mon, Mrs. Brodie. The quicker we get through the formalities, the quicker we get to the fun stuff, like my ring on your finger and you in my bed for the rest of our lives.”
“This is my favorite birthday ever,” he murmurs against my skin. “What? It’s your birthday?” “Mhmm. For another two minutes, at least. New Year’s baby, freshly twenty-seven. Feels a lot like the first day of my life, though.” “Happy birthday,” I breathe, heart pounding at the feel of him pressed against me, his fingers dancing down my hair. “What did you get?” His palm settles in the curve of my lower back, his whisper pressed to my ear. “You.”
“But one look is all it took to know you had to be mine. I don’t deserve you now, but I’m gonna spend the rest of my life making up for that, and when I die, I’ll be a worthy man.” He tilts my head back, mouth hovering a breath from mine. “Tell me I can have you, gorgeous. Because it’s you or no one.”
“But you’re not going to say no, are you? You want to be worshipped. Crave it. Deserve it. And you want to let me do it.”
“This dress is a masterpiece,” I barely breathe. “Nah.” His lips ghost along my jaw, pausing at my ear. “It’s you who’s the masterpiece.”
“Debbie said we can’t fuck. Team policy. Otherwise, if there was a next time, I’d totally give you my ass. Sorry.” “Liar,” he huffs out on a laugh. “Debbie said there’s no policy; I already asked.”
You were made for me, or maybe it was me made for you.”
“Because my heart stopped when I saw you. Because when you turned to walk away, my body said I think the fuck not.” Sweat trickles down his temple, and his mouth takes mine in a searing kiss that has me trying to crawl inside him. “Because never in my life have I felt the way I feel right now, inside you, like I’m exactly where I’m meant to be. I don’t know why, but I know every time I look at you…brain just keeps screaming mine.”
You want someone crazy for you, someone whose eyes are gonna follow you whenever you’re in the room. Someone who’s never gonna shut up about you. Who wants you at your best, your worst, and when you’re old and gray.”
“You wanna be a mom one day?” he asks as he tries—and fails—to fix my dress, the mess of hair on my head, and I think it’s wild he’s asking me this when he still hasn’t asked my first name. “One day,” I manage, gasping as I stumble, legs officially giving up the fight. Emmett catches me around the waist, pressing his whispered words to my mouth. That’ll be the second-best day of my life, right after the day I make you my wife.”
There was Cara Hunter, the woman who was happy and capable of doing it all on her own. And then there was Cara Brodie, the woman who’d never need to do anything alone again, but with the man who reminded her day in and day out that she could. I was unstoppable before Emmett. With him, I’m indestructible.
“Don’t let the voices win,” he whispers, pressing his forehead to mine. “They don’t know you the way I do. They don’t know your fight. My loud girl doesn’t let anyone else dictate the rules. Me and you, Care? We build our own rules.”
I’ve always wanted to catch a firefly.
“I know what you feel like from the inside out. The exact shade of red your skin flushes when I’m making you feel good. The way your nails feel tearing at my shoulders, and the sounds you make when you’re coming.”
“Anyway, this is Emmett—” “Her boyfriend,” I tack on, nodding. Cara throws me a look. “He’s not my—” “I am.” She pinches her nose. “Okay, not important right now.” “Mmm…” I tip my head side to side. “Pretty important.”
Fuck, I love it when he’s like this. Emmett loves me soft. He’s gentle and patient, compassionate and understanding, so sweet it hurts. But the way he fucks me? He fucks me like he’s lost all his morals. Like I’ve deprived him of my body for my own enjoyment, and he’s finally getting his revenge.
Emmett Brodie fucks me like a goddamn animal.
“I cornered Jennie in a closet after our first kiss and begged her for more. I was definitely obsessed.” He grins at her, winking. “Still am.”
“Obsessed boy falls first and harder,” I murmur into the safety of Emmett’s chest. “I love this trope.”
“Ohhh, firefly,” he murmurs. “You’re fucking obsessed with me. I knew it.”
“My thoughts, all of them lately, are about you. When I think about tomorrow, about next week, next year, or ten years from now … I think about you. I’m not going anywhere.”
emotional abuse is still abuse.”
I was always looking for a reason for his behavior, wondering how was I responsible, and how could I change myself so that he didn’t act that way anymore.”
“I’m going to marry you, Cara. I see my future as clear as day.” “Yeah? What’s it look like?” Emmett cups my cheek, resting his forehead against mine. “It looks like you.”
“Your smile, your legs, that red dress you wore the night we met, your hand on my chest when we fall asleep each night, and the way you look first thing in the morning.”
“What?”
“Five things I love about you for every second the needle is in you.”
“Who are you?” I barely manage, balls pulling tight as my fingers scrape down her back. “Cara”—gasp—“motherfucking”—gasp—“Brodie.” “Yeah, you are.”
There are some things we can’t do all on our own, and that’s all right. We hand the reins over to someone else, let them lead the way, and give up control.
“What if I told you I ordered you a replacement the second I walked out of our bedroom earlier?” His grip on my ass tightens as he jerks me against his chest, free hand coming up to cup my cheek, tilt my mouth to his. “Because I planned on ruining this dress tonight, one way or another.”
Have you ever had that crash that comes after the high? You spend the day soaking up the light, the laughter, the love, the same way you soak up the sunshine. A beautiful day that seems to last forever, but as everything begins to grow quiet, you take a moment to look around and realize, at some point, the day is ending, and it’s nearly here. The crash.
There’s something special, something rewarding, about being someone’s safe place—when the strongest person you know trusts you enough to hand over their struggle for a minute or two. Lets you hold it. Take care of it.
You and Emmett are in this together. Lean on him. He wants to help. He wants to understand, best he can, because the truth is, we’ll never understand exactly what a woman who desperately wants to be a mother is going through, no matter how much we want that too.”
But now … now I feel like I’m standing on the shoreline, watching her drown, and I don’t know how to swim. I don’t know how to save her.
“I’m done. My wife is the reason you had this job as long as you did. Convinced me to let you stay even after you started trying to take her place, tearing her down every chance you could get. Why? Because she has a huge heart. Fucking massive. And not that it’s any of your goddamn business, but that same selfless heart is the reason Cara would have no trouble loving a child that wasn’t biologically ours. She loves without limits, without fucking conditions. She loves people for who they are, exactly where they’re at, and that? That’s exactly why I love her. Baby or no baby, that woman is my
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“Nothing in my life has prepared me for the way infertility would make me hate myself.”
“You aren’t whole. You’re broken. And that’s okay. You have loved and you have lost, and every piece of you deserves its place. You are a home for all your stories, the pieces that have shaped your life, that make you who you are.
“Breathe, baby. Breathe with me. Because I can’t breathe without you.”
🥹🥹
“There isn’t a world out there, a lifetime that exists from now until forever, where I’m not yours and you’re not mine.
It’s wild how you can be surrounded by people your entire life, only to meet a single person and suddenly realize you’ve gone all those years never knowing what true friendship feels like.
“Cara?” “Yeah, buddy?” “Dinosaurs don’t protect other dinosaurs.” “They don’t?” “No. They only protect themselves. They don’t think about anybody else.” He turns over, a quiet sigh and the ruffle of his blankets filling the air. Right before I shut the door, he whispers, “That’s why my Cara is not a dinosaur.”
One of my favorite parts in the entire book
Happiness wasn’t the fall from grace headfirst into a grief so deep, so mind-altering, I thought I’d never return, and it wasn’t the treacherous climb back up. But maybe happiness is the view from the top of the mountain, the gasp of fresh air when I finally open my eyes, because every step I’ve taken, no matter how small or how slow, has led me here. Maybe happiness is understanding I’ll never be the same person I was before, thanking her for everything she did for me, saying goodbye, and welcoming the woman I was always meant to be.
There’s no doubt that this period of our lives has been the most challenging, even more so for her. But Cara is still herself. The woman I fell in love with. My best friend. She’s changed, transformed, but it’s a privilege to know every version of her—to love them.
“Society loves the consequences line because it’s easier to blame someone than to step back and look at how they’ve failed to properly educate kids.”
I’ve learned that even the strongest people are capable of breaking. That bad things happen, that things don’t always make sense, and trying to understand the why behind them will tear you apart. That searching for an answer when there isn’t one, when some things just are, will create space for doubt to seed and grow and eventually spread like wildfire.
I’ve learned that loving myself looks different at every stage.
Something so important to remember, not just people who have struggled with infertility like Cara but everyone who has struggled to love themselves through the ups and downs of life.
I’ve learned what it means to be a mother. That it’s the single hardest thing I’ll ever do. That being a mother means loving someone so much you’d give up everything for them.
I’ve learned that it’s okay to take up space exactly as I am. I am no less worthy on the days I struggle, on the days I can’t stand on my own, when the voices in my head try to convince me that anything less than the best version of me isn’t good enough.
