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I’m autistic, awkward, introverted, have weird interests, say weird things at the wrong moments, and I never have anything of value—of substance—to add to the conversation because neurotypical types do not value random semi‑relative facts, and that’s all I have. Plus my social battery is microscopic and inconsistently drains itself at inconvenient times.
People want to get to know me until they know me, and then suddenly they don’t want that any more.
I’m not lonely, not by any means—I love my own company—but sometimes I just don’t want to be alone. I get FOMO. Like really bad. But I also have SOJI. Scared of joining in.
You want casual sex with minimal feelings? Tough shit, here’s my entire heart.
“Never would have pegged you for a Radiohead fan. Aren’t you a little young?” “Never too young for soul‑crushing despondency and existentialism,”
“What’s your favourite David Bowie song?” he says instead of answering my question. “Ah, now that’s how you tell the measure of a person, by their favourite Bowie track.”
I get hyperfixations all the time. I get obsessed with a subject, research it to death, buy every single piece of associated paraphernalia, squeeze every last ounce of joy from it, and then move on to something else. It’s just the natural order of the ’tism.
She beams at me. “Do I look cute?” “You look like Wednesday Addams in her slut phase.”
It’s times like this I wish I smoked. I’d at least have a neurotypical‑friendly reason to leave. Something they can understand. Not “Sorry, I’m having real trouble regulating my emotions right now.”
Mathias Jones comes in two modes only: assumes everyone hates him and hardly says a word, or will not shut up about his special interest. Will talk over the top of you. Will not realise you’re looking for the exit.
“What kind of idiot needs a pointer to do a presentation?” Roger yells from behind me somewhere. “Hey! I don’t shit on your dreams,” Mathias snaps, and it fills me with unbridled joy that he doesn’t hesitate to tell Roger off. And also that his dream is to do a presentation with a pointer. Jesus.
