Heart the Lover

by Lily King

‘Someday we will remember even these our hardships with pleasure.’

‘The elephant, the huge old beast,’ it began, ‘is slow to mate.’ They wait ‘for the sympathy in their vast shy hearts slowly, slowly to rouse.’ I wasn’t an elephant. My heart had never been slow. I tore it up.

I think of her many places, even though she’s been gone sixteen years now. She never knew my boys, but she has helped me raise them. I know how much she loves them.

I feel that. I talk to her. I pray to her. I shut my eyes now and beg her to keep them all healthy and safe while I’m away.

‘Goodbye, toad,’ the older one says.

The younger one opens his mouth but nothing comes out. His brave face collapses. He bends over the railing and lays his head on Yash’s chest. Yash strokes his hair.

‘No. Love is crushing. Love is something you let yourself feel at your own peril, despite your better sense.’ She

I think it’s the only form of hope we have. For our survival, I mean. What good is any other virtue without love?’

‘You know how you can remember exactly when and where you read certain books? A great novel, a truly great one, not only captures a particular fictional experience, it alters and intensifies the way you experience your own life while you’re reading it. And it preserves it, like a time capsule.’

Early on, I got angry about this, how he didn’t want to talk about it once Jack was asleep, wouldn’t listen or try to soothe my anxiety. Finally he told me that he couldn’t handle my fears at night, that they scared the shit out of him and he just needed to let it go and sleep. I can tell he’s trying hard not to off-load it all on to me tonight.