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“I don’t want to be me anymore.” “Why would you say that?” “Because I’m bad.” “You’re not bad, sweetheart.” “Yes, I am.”
I was used to having grown-ups shout at me. I was used to disappointing people.
He was always checking on me. It used to be okay, but I wasn’t so sure anymore. I didn’t think I wanted him to keep checking on me. I didn’t want him to fix me again. Not ever again. “Is my daddy home yet?”
Mark didn’t fix me this time. Hugh did. And he didn’t have to hurt me to do it…
“Just because you can’t see your father’s illness, doesn’t mean that it’s any less deserving of empathy,”
“How can we make life easier for our daughter?” “Take your daughter home and love her,” the doctor replied simply. “Never underestimate the healing power of a mother’s love.”
“You’re good on the inside.” “So are you, Liz.” “No, Hugh.” She shook her head sadly. “I’m not.”
was good with pain, and pain was good for me. It made me feel better. It helped me to concentrate. To stop my thoughts from running rampant in my head. The pain made all my thoughts float out of my head, and I sighed in relief.
“You wouldn’t change me if you could?” “Nope.” “How come?” “Because then you wouldn’t be you,” I explained, wiping away another one of her tears. “And a world without Lizzie Young would be a travesty.”
One of these days, the grown-ups are going to see your true colors, and when that day comes, I’ll be right there to watch your fall from grace.
“You sure you’re okay?” “Yep.” Smiling, I reached up and brushed a tear from his cheek. “I’m always okay, Gibs.”
from fluttering when he took my hand in his. “You know how the saying goes, Hugh.” Grinning, I shrugged. “Play stupid games.” “And win stupid prizes,”
I opened my mouth to answer him but all that came out was a shaky breath, because what could I tell him? That I was plagued by the monsters my own imagination had conjured up to terrorize me? That I was tormented by sickening images and horrendous thoughts that made me want to die? Or how about telling him that I was filthy, impure, and defective? Which one was I supposed to tell him about? Which sin would be the one that drove him away?
I was trying to survive and had finally found a way to make it through the days without wanting to die.
Unable to stop myself, I shifted closer, wanting to fold my body into his, wanting to give him all my broken pieces and see if he could work miracles and put me back together again. Because on nights like this, when my mind quietened and my heart beat strong, he made me feel like he could.
For the longest time I had programmed my heart to expect sadness. I put it down to the fact that I had an unsettled mind and had learned from a young age that everything was temporary. Good or bad. No matter how long something lasted, it would never be permanent.
“I am broken,” she strangled out, looking devastated. “I’m not good, Hugh. I’m not the girl you think I am, and one of these days, you’ll figure that out and leave.”
The Gardaí didn’t believe me. Neither did the grown-ups. Nobody believed me. Except Hugh, my mind encouraged, the brave knight believes his lady. Everyone else thought I was disturbed. Maybe I was. They were so sure that I was mistaken that it jarred me. It shook my resolve. It made me doubt myself.
Nobody was going to take my side. Nobody was going to believe me. They never had and never would. So why bother trying? Why bother caring? Why bother breathing?
Even on my darkest nights, when I truly felt like death was my only option, I held firm in the knowledge that I could endure the agony that was my fucked-up mind if it meant I got to stay with him. If I died, he wouldn’t be there, and I couldn’t bear it. So I had to keep going. I had to fight
The monster’s gone, a voice that sounded awfully like my sister echoed in my mind. You’re free now. No, I wasn’t. Because the monster might have been gone, but I would never be free of him. Of the things he did to me. Of the things that made me want to peel the skin off my bones for craving
It didn’t matter how well things went or how hard I tried. I would never be enough for them to be happy. I would never be enough for my father.
needing to feel him stretch my body to make him fit. Because I needed this boy to finally claim my body as his. That was the only way I could make it all go away. His touch was the only thing that could erase the monster’s.
Hugh filled my cup up with the very things I had been drained of in my nightmares. Instead of inflicting pain, fear, and harm like the monster had, my boyfriend instilled power, trust, and respect inside of me.
just wanted to be normal, okay!” I screamed, tears flowing freely down my face. “I just wanted a fucking shot at being like every other person our age who doesn’t have to ram pill after fucking pill down their throat in order to function!” Feeling
It was my lived experience, not theirs. I was the one who got swept up in mania before being spat back down to the hellish depths of depression. I was the one who lost track of time and memories. I was the one whose will weakened with every passing day. I was the one without faith or hope for the future. I was the one whose mind chipped away at my soul. And I was the one who had to live like this until the day I died.
“We’re like birds, Hugh,” I continued to tell him, as my mind spiraled and my body was engulfed in a hundred thousand sensations. All at once. “We could soar if you just give it a chance.” Inhaling a deep breath, I raised my hands to the sky. It was magical. “Just close your eyes and fly.”
“Where the hell were you when I was screaming for you!” I tried to scream, only to end up laughing manically, as tears streamed down my cheeks. “You were never there! You never came when I needed you at night! Do you remember, Daddy? All the nights I screamed for you? Well, now I’m screaming again, and this time I’m screaming fuck you, you fucking hypocrite!”
“You can’t be friends with the person you’re in love with.” Tears trickled down her cheeks. “And I’m always going to be in love with you, Hugh.”
“And I want you to move on from me,” she said, choking on the words like they physically pained her. “I don’t want you to feel guilty about it or think you’re doing something wrong, because you aren’t. Because you are too amazing of a person to spend your life stuck on a fuckup like me.”
