Releasing 10 (Boys of Tommen, #6)

by Chloe Walsh

“Listen, when you’re old enough to understand, I’ll explain everything to you, but until then, just enjoy being a kid.” I can’t, I wanted to scream. I’m too scared.

“I like you, Hugh Biggs,” I blurted out, feeling the heat bursting out of my chest. “I think.” I watched him carefully for a reaction, and when he tried and failed to hide a smile, I felt my heart slam against my chest. “I don’t think I like you, Lizzie Young.” He looked out the window when he whispered, “I know I do.”

Gibsie panted, climbing out of the bushes, with Patrick and Claire in tow. Jogging over to us, he slung his arm over my shoulder and laughed. “Lads, we have to keep this girl.” “Agreed,” Hugh and Patrick said in unison, while Claire clapped her hands and bounced around excitedly. “See? I told you guys she was the bestest.” “You were right, Claire-Bear,” Gibsie replied, giving her a big smile. “A star is better than a square.” I scrunched my brows up. “A square?” “Yeah, we’re a square, see?” Gibsie pointed to the four of them before pointing to me. “You make a star.”

“All in favor of Liz joining the gang, raise your hands.” Everyone raised their hands. I beamed with happiness. “Then it’s official,” Hugh said, turning to smile at me. “You’re one of us now.” “I am?” “That means we keep each other’s secrets and stick together, no matter what.” My heart leapt. “No matter what?” “Yeah, Liz.” Hugh smiled. “No matter what.”

Still, knowing I now had five friends of my own helped keep the smile on my face. Hugh. Claire. Gibsie. Shannon. Patrick. And me.

Feeling mischievous when I reached the ground, I retrieved Liz’s “sword” from the lawn and placed it at her feet. “Milady.” She grinned up at me from her perch on the grass. “Brave knight.” I offered her a dramatic bow before rushing over to my mam.

“You are a crazy girl,” Hugh laughed, hooking an arm around me when he swam back to me. “What would you have done if I didn’t swim back for you?” “I knew you would,” I laughed, wrapping my arms around his neck as he swam us over to the shallow part. “Oh yeah?” he teased, releasing me when I could stand. “How?” “Because I trust you,” I told him. “You make me feel safe.” That seemed to confuse him because his brows furrowed together. “You’ll always be safe with me.” “I know.” I splashed him with my hand. “No matter what, right?” “Yeah, Liz,” Hugh chuckled, splashing me back. “No matter what.”

Reaching over, I placed my hand on Gibsie’s and whispered, “Keith’s a fucker.” That made him smile, so I racked my brain for more curse words. “Keith’s a stupid, son-of-a-bitch, fucker pup.”

“Hey, Hugh?” “Yeah, Liz?” “You know the way Gibsie is going to ask Claire to marry him when they’re grown-up?” I shifted closer until our knees were touching. “Do you think you might ask me to marry you?” Hugh stared at me for a long time before saying, “If I asked you, would you say yes?” “Yes.” I nodded eagerly. “I would definitely say yes.” He smiled. “That’s good to know.” “Hey, Hugh?” “Yeah, Liz.” I pointed to the watch on his wrist. “Happy New Year.” Hugh stared down at the face of his watch for a long moment before turning his attention back to me. And then, with red cheeks, he leaned in close and kissed my cheek. “Happy New Year, Liz.”

“No matter what.” “Yeah, Liz.” His lips grew into a small smile. “No matter what.”

“Nobody else can see them, but I swear I see them, Hugh.” A pained sob escaped her lips. “They hurt me.” “Are they here now?” “No.” She shook her head. “They never hurt me when you’re around.” Sniffling, she moved so close that her body was pressed tightly to mine. “They’re scared of the brave knight.” “I’m the brave knight?” Tearful, she nodded. “Am I still your lady?” “You’ll always be my lady,” I promised. “Milady.”

All I could do was stay. So that’s what I did. Because I knew deep down inside that I would sit with Lizzie Young for the rest of my life if it kept the sadness out of her eyes. If it kept her safe.

“Did you hear that, Gibs?” Feely called out with a chuckle. “Lizzie thinks you look like a superhero!” Grinning wolfishly up at us, Gibsie winked and immediately starting flexing his nonexistent biceps. “Oh yeah,” Liz encouraged, cheering him on. “Show us those guns, Thor.”

“There.” Sitting back on the curb, I admired our handywork. “H plus L.” I grinned at him. “Together forever.” “Yep,” he agreed, draping his arm over my shoulders. “And in twenty years’ time, when we come back here to visit, we can show this to our kids.” “So you are going to marry me,” I teased, elbowing his side. “I thought I already told you I would,” he replied, sounding confused. “No, you asked me would I say yes,” I corrected, shifting closer. “But you never actually said you would ask me.” “Oh.” His cheeks turned pink. “Well, consider this conversation my confirmation on that matter.”

“She is Morticia Addams.” “And let me guess; your brother is Gomez.” “That’s right, and we already have a friend going as Lurch, so you should stop making your face look so stupid.”

“Gibs!” Mark barked, causing both of us to jump. “Come over here, fucker. I want a word with you.” Gibsie reached for my hand at the same time I reached for his,

“Hey, Lizzie?” “Yeah, Gibs?” “You sure you’re okay?” “Yep.” Smiling, I reached up and brushed a tear from his cheek. “I’m always okay, Gibs.”

I loved Gibsie, he was one of my greatest friends in the world, but sometimes his house reminded me of mine, and I didn’t want to be there, either.

“I’m just having a bad day,” I finally settled on. Hugh looked at me like he didn’t believe me, but he didn’t push. Instead, he squeezed my hand and whispered, “I love you, Lizzie Young.” Guilt and hope bloomed in my chest, making me feel both excited and devastated all at once. “No matter what?” “Yeah, Liz.” He leaned in close and pressed his forehead to mine. “No matter what.”

I waited for the perfect opportunity to catch Joey Lynch on his own. It wasn’t easy because, unlike Shannon, everyone seemed to flock to him. It didn’t matter that they feared him. They still wanted to be around him.

“The one in my dreams.” “I’ve never seen the one in your head,” he replied, sounding sincere. “But I know what we saw that day, Liz, and if you say that’s her, then I believe you.” “You do?” “Yeah.” He leaned back to look at me. “I do.” “I think you might be the first person who ever has,” I whispered, fingers knotting in his hoodie. “Thanks.” “Don’t thank me for believing you,” he replied, sounding pained. “Thank me when I catch her and prove to everyone else that we were telling the truth all along.”

“Who’s a parasitic intruder, Thor?” Liz asked, butting his hip with hers to scoot over. “Who do I need to hurt?” “You would, wouldn’t ya?” Gibs chuckled, shoving over to let her slide onto the seat next to him. “Little viper.”

Because if I had to remember, then I had to acknowledge, and if I did that, if I told someone, like he did, then I would lose the person I loved most. I would lose Hugh.

No, this couldn’t be it. She didn’t belong in here. My big sister. My only sibling. She was never coming back. No. No. No!

The priest told my parents that God had taken my sister’s soul to heaven, but he forgot to mention that Caoimhe had taken my soul with her. I knew she had. There was a piece of me in the ground with her. I could feel it.

I didn’t want their touch. I didn’t want to feel another hand on my skin ever again. Only this boy. Hugh.

“I’ll always come back to you,” I offered, wanting to fold her into my body and keep her safe. “No matter how often I have to leave, just know that I will always come back for you.” “To me or for me?” “Both.” “Good, because you’re the only reason I’m here.”

“You don’t love me because you can’t!” He was so much stronger than me that I couldn’t break free no matter how hard I tried. “Do you hear me? You fucking can’t!” “I do, I do,” Hugh continued to whisper over and over, while he fused my back to his chest, my arms pinned to my sides. “I love you, and you can’t make me stop.” “You’re his friend, not mine!” I lashed out, desperate to prove myself right. Because he would leave me, too. That’s all I knew for sure in this life. Nobody stayed.

Because Mark’s story added up and mine didn’t. Because he was sane, and I was labeled a sick child. Because Gerard Gibson wouldn’t help me. I couldn’t be sure of a lot in life — I always had trouble distinguishing dreams from reality — but I knew one thing for absolute certain. It wouldn’t matter what I did or said about that night. Nobody was going to take my side. Nobody was going to believe me. They never had and never would. So why bother trying? Why bother caring? Why bother breathing?

“I see. I hear. I observe. So don’t try to keep me from her when you would never leave him!” No matter how badly he drags the rest of us down. “I guess the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree, does it?”

We were so very similar, this deer and me. We were both prey.

“No, no, no—don’t do that.” I shook my head and backed away from him. “Don’t hold me when you’re mad at me, Hugh, because I know it’ll be out of pity!” “Well, that’s too fucking bad,” he snapped, closing the space between us and roughly pulling me into his arms. “Because I’m never not going to hold you, Liz.”

It was my lived experience, not theirs. I was the one who got swept up in mania before being spat back down to the hellish depths of depression. I was the one who lost track of time and memories. I was the one whose will weakened with every passing day. I was the one without faith or hope for the future. I was the one whose mind chipped away at my soul. And I was the one who had to live like this until the day I died.

She was my chosen field, my strongest subject, and I was sure no other heart could be a specialist in the field of Elizabeth Eleanor Young.

With her chin propped up in one hand, she hummed softly, shoulders and legs swaying along to the beat in her head, thoroughly engrossed in whatever she was reading. “‘Silver Springs’?” I broke the moment by asking, taking a seat on the floor. Liz looked over her shoulder, giving me a glimpse of those soul-sucking blue eyes before turning back to her book. “Why break the habit of a lifetime?”

“I begged you, Liz.” “You begged me what?” Giving me his back, Hugh walked into the kitchen and stared out the closed patio doors. “I fucking begged you to take your meds, but you couldn’t do that one thing for me.”

Because I didn’t want this. I didn’t want her to cry. I didn’t want her to break down again, but I just…I couldn’t be the one to put her back together this time.

Mam replied, stroking Liz’s cheek like she was her second daughter, and in a way, she always had been. We’d spent our childhood in this house, in a fortress of love, security, and comfort that my mother had built around us. I knew that’s why Liz continued to return. Why she was here right now. Hell, I didn’t even blame her. I’d been in her home. It was like experiencing the funeral on repeat in that house.

I didn’t want to be this way anymore. I wanted to get better. To find the girl I used to be and become her once more. But she wasn’t there anymore, and if, by some small miracle, I found her, the boy she loved with all her heart had been chased off by the demon that had taken on the form of her skin. What was the point? I’d already lost everything. I was ruined.

I had broken him; this bright, beautiful, brave soul had been reduced to broken pieces. They were scattered all over his bedroom floor. He couldn’t take me back, not even if he wanted to. Because his pride would never allow for it. I wanted to clean up my image and not be a humiliation to him every damn day, but I was still me. I couldn’t erase my past. I was used up and dirty. I always had been. There was no way of fixing that. There was no magic spell to eradicate my memories.

I’d long since accepted the knowledge that I would always love Lizzie Young. My heart didn’t have an eject button; therefore, she would never lose her place inside of it. She just had to change spots if I ever found someone else.

I could see it in Hugh’s eyes that it was over for him, that my actions tonight only solidified his decision to walk away. I had spent weeks trying to convince myself I did the right thing. That in the long run, Hugh would be better off hating me. If he didn’t love me, he couldn’t get hurt. If he stayed away from me, he would be safe. Therefore, I should have been feeling glad about the disappointment in his eyes. It was what I wanted, after all. What needed to happen to set him free from the hell that was loving me.

“Liz.” My heart cracked. “Flipping in and out of reality is no way to live.” “I know.” Tears filled her eyes. “But it’s better than living without you.”

“Why can’t you just love me!” I screamed, stalking toward him when he tried to leave. “Why can’t anyone fucking love me!” “I do love you!” Hugh roared into my face, chest heaving. “If I didn’t, I wouldn’t be here!” “Then fix me,” I begged, clawing at his shirt. “Make it go away!”

Nothing but intense hatred toward my entire family for allowing the monster in our house. “Where the hell were you when I was screaming for you!” I tried to scream, only to end up laughing manically, as tears streamed down my cheeks. “You were never there! You never came when I needed you at night! Do you remember, Daddy? All the nights I screamed for you? Well, now I’m screaming again, and this time I’m screaming fuck you, you fucking hypocrite!”

Going to Liz when she needed me wasn’t something I had to wrestle with. There was no decision to make. All the pain and hurt could wait. I could put the betrayal and resentment on ice. Because, at the end of the day, I still wanted to be near her, still wanted to hold her hand, still wanted to kiss her lips. Every inch of me still longed for every inch of her, and I couldn’t turn my feelings off. What I felt for her wasn’t expendable, and it hadn’t shown up overnight. My love for her had had nine years to deepen and grow, and the roots went deep. It wasn’t something that could be rooted out and tossed away. She was imbedded in the foundations of who I was as a person.

“I’d do it again in a heartbeat.” His words threw me. “You would?” He nodded. “Yeah, Liz. I would.” “Why?” “Because you’re sitting here,” he replied simply. “Because you’re you again.” A faint smile ghosted his lips. “That’s all I’ve ever wanted, Liz.”

“I know you need to stay away from me,” she breathed, body racking with tremors. “And I know why you can’t be my friend anymore, but I just want you to know that I am so grateful to have had you in my life.” A pained sob escaped her when she said, “I’ll never have a greater friend, Hugh Biggs, or a greater love.”

“We can still be friends.” “No, Hugh, we can’t,” she replied sadly, entwining her fingers with mine. “You can’t be friends with the person you’re in love with.” Tears trickled down her cheeks. “And I’m always going to be in love with you, Hugh.” I believed her. I knew this girl better than I knew myself. I could hear her truth. I could see it in her eyes. It mirrored mine. I knew how she felt because I felt the same way. It was a hopeless, desperate, frantic feeling. It was fucking torture.

“Yeah, it will, because I’m going to take a step back,” she declared and the way she said it made me think she had thought about this a lot. “I’ll take the sideline bench when it comes to our friendship circle, and I won’t interfere in your life.” “Liz.” My eyes started to water. “I don’t want that.” “Neither do I,” she squeezed out, sniffling. “But it has to happen.”