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“Why not? It’s the truth. Half the time she’s a mute, and the other half, she’s screaming her head off and attacking anyone who gets near her.” My sister threw her hands up and screamed. “She attacked another child in her classroom, for fuck’s sake. My friend’s baby brother! She drew blood. You can’t honestly think that’s normal behavior.”
Breaking down in front of him, my sister covered her face with her hands and screamed, “I wish I was dead!”
“I don’t want to be me anymore.” “Why would you say that?” “Because I’m bad.”
I had to make my family love me. If I didn’t, they were going to send me away. “Stop fighting it,” a voice in my head commanded, and I flinched when the watery image of a woman’s face flashed before my eyes. “Just give in. It’ll all be better then.” Oh no. The voice was back. The scary voice. The one that made me wet the bed. The one that made me fight.
Claire was loud and funny, and she made me feel happy. Shannon was quiet and calm and made me feel safe.
“You’re different, Lizzie Young.” “I am?” She nodded and smiled. “You’re special.” “Is that bad?” “No.” She shook her head, still smiling. “You remind me of Joe.” “Your brother?” “Yep.” She nodded again. “And that’s a very good thing.”
When Mark draped his arm over my lap to hold my sister’s hand, I shivered all over. He noticed and gave me the special wink. The secret one he saved just for me. For when he was fixing me. It made me feel special, and I beamed back at him.
Im gonna be sick
“I don’t think I like you, Lizzie Young.” He looked out the window when he whispered, “I know I do.”
“You’re my special girl, remember?” He placed his big hand on my leg. “And I don’t want you being anyone else’s special girl.” My face grew warm. “You’re blushing.” He leaned in again, closer this time, and whispered, “I like it when you blush for me.”
Ewwww
“Because I trust you,” I told him. “You make me feel safe.” That seemed to confuse him because his brows furrowed together. “You’ll always be safe with me.” “I know.” I splashed him with my hand. “No matter what, right?” “Yeah, Liz,” Hugh chuckled, splashing me back. “No matter what.”
“You’re wrong about him. Mark’s really great once you get to know him.” No fucking thanks.
I couldn’t explain why I felt so uncomfortable or why the hairs on the back of my neck shot up whenever I laid eyes on him. But it always happened. I felt like Peter Parker with Spidey senses, and mine told me that Mark Allen was not good. Not good at all.
“Do you think you might ask me to marry you?” Hugh stared at me for a long time before saying, “If I asked you, would you say yes?” “Yes.” I nodded eagerly. “I would definitely say yes.” He smiled. “That’s good to know.”
I was beginning to understand why Gibs wanted to be with Claire all the time. If she made him feel the way Liz made me feel, I didn’t blame him. Before Liz, I never really believed that a girl could be your best friend, but she was living proof of it. I preferred her company above all others and spent all my free time with her.
And Hugh would never hurt me like he did.
Mark didn’t fix me this time. Hugh did. And he didn’t have to hurt me to do it…
Meanwhile, Mark stood to the side, with his arms folded across his chest. Like a statue. Like a devil. Doing nothing.
Removing the hand he was resting on top of mine, he placed it on my cheek instead. “I love you.”
“And no one is allowed to touch you like that,” he added. “Especially not under your clothes. Only grown-ups are allowed to touch other grown-ups like that.”
“That’s a bad touch,” Hugh continued to explain. “And nobody is allowed to do that to a kid.”
Because I knew deep down inside that I would sit with Lizzie Young for the rest of my life if it kept the sadness out of her eyes.
“You could never be described by a word, Liz, and especially not a boring one like normal. You know what else? I wouldn’t change a single thing about you. I love that you don’t tick that boring box.”
Because her son was my sun. “I just want Hugh,” I strangled out, voice shaking almost as much as my body. “Just…just Hugh, okay?”
“I’ll always pick you, Liz.” Hugh’s arm came around my waist and he pulled me closer to his chest. “You’ll always be first choice.” “For trips?” “For everything.”
“I’m asking now.” Shaking his head, he looked me in the eyes and asked, “Will you be my girlfriend?” Finally. “Yes!” I beamed at him. “I will.”
“You mark my words, Biggs, one day in the future, when you’re all grown-up, I’m going to hunt you down, and I’m going to put a bullet in your head.” “Oh yeah?” Still smiling, I locked eyes on him and warned, “Or maybe, one day in the future, when I’m all grown-up, I’ll hunt you down and put a bullet in yours.”
“She wanted it, I swear,” he tried to plead, pinning my sister down. “She was always jealous of us. What I have with you. She’s a fucking whore, baby. Your sister led me on. You have no idea what she’s capable of.”
Ewwwww
“And if my parents say no?” “Then we’ll get married, and they won’t have a choice in the matter.” “Just like that?” I laughed. “Yep.” He snapped his finger for emphasis. “Just like that.”
“She’s never not going to be sad,” Gibsie replied, sniffling again. “Trust me, that kind of sadness never goes away. The world just stops seeing it.”
“I’d rather be a bitch than a whore. Now, off you go, whore.”
We were so very similar, this deer and me. We were both prey.
I wanted to climb onto a cloud with Hugh Biggs and take him away from all our so-called friends. Keep him forever and never give him back.
“How long have you been off your meds?” “Just a few weeks,” I squeezed out, feeling my eyes water. “When they changed the dose, it made my brain feel foggy and sluggish, so I just—” “You just decided to come off them without medical observation again and to hell with the consequences again,” Hugh deadpanned.
“You keep your beady, little eyes off my ma, ya hear?” “I don’t have beady eyes. I have bed-me eyes.”
“We’re like birds, Hugh,” I continued to tell him, as my mind spiraled and my body was engulfed in a hundred thousand sensations. All at once. “We could soar if you just give it a chance.” Inhaling a deep breath, I raised my hands to the sky. It was magical. “Just close your eyes and fly.”
the biggest misfortune to ever happen to them.”
“You look so fucking sexy when you’re pissed with me,” I said, feeling a surge of lust hit me. “I’m not the only one who wants you.” I closed the space between us. “I see them watching you at school.” I reached around and gripped his tight ass and dragged him roughly against me. “Wanting what’s mine.” I pressed a kiss to his throat. “But you’re mine, aren’t you?” I kissed him again. “And I’m yours.”
“Believe me, Liz, if I could fix you with sex, I would fuck you forever.”
I’m afraid to fuck you because I don’t know which version of you I’d be fucking!”
“And who exactly would I be fucking?” Hugh demanded, chest heaving. “Would it be this version of my girlfriend? The one who rubs herself against other fellas when she’s not trying to tear my clothes off. Or would it be the version of her that slits her fucking wrists!”
“But when the girl I fell in love with pops back up, you let me know, and I’ll be more than happy to oblige and fuck her.” He narrowed his eyes and hissed, “Because that’s the only version of my girlfriend that I have any interest in being with!”
“You fucked him, Liz!” he roared, losing his cool. “Pierce O’Neill! My own goddamn teammate! You fucked him. So don’t stand here and tell me you love me.” “I do love you, Hugh!” “You don’t know the meaning of the word.” He seethed, chest heaving. “I loved you, Liz. Me.” He slapped a hand against his chest. “I fucking loved you enough to put you first. Even when it was hard to do the right thing. I fucking did it. Because that’s what someone does when they love someone. They put that person first.”
“You’re going to come out of this.” Sniffling, Hugh turned his head away and used his shoulder to wipe his check. “And when you do, you’re going to hate yourself as much as I wish I could hate you.” “Hugh!” “This is over, Liz.”
“No, Liz, you’re the bad guy because you fucked my friend!” he roared, vibrating with tension. “You’re the bad guy because you broke my fucking heart last night!”
He was giving me privacy to kill myself. He wanted me dead. They all did.
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” “I do,” he roared back at me. “You’re bipolar and not taking your goddamn medication.”
“I didn’t leave you, Liz,” he croaked, lifting his head to look at me. “You left me.”
“It’s because she’s mine.” Smirking, I prowled toward him like he was a gazelle and I was a lion. “And it doesn’t matter how many times she lets you in her bed, she’ll never want you more than she wants me.”
“You dumb shit. If I wanted to fuck her, I could do it right now, but the difference between the two of us is that I don’t take advantage of vulnerable girls. Because I’m a man, asshole, and you’re a boy.”
And then, for the first time in my life, I kissed a girl who wasn’t named Lizzie Young. The kiss wasn’t mind-blowing. It wasn’t fireworks. It wasn’t Liz. But it was nice.
