Releasing 10 (Boys of Tommen, #6)

by Chloe Walsh

“Look at me, pretty girl,” Mammy said after my sister had stomped out of the room. “Show me those big, blue eyes.” I did. “There you are.” Smiling warmly, she brushed my hair off my face. “You are perfect, do you hear me?” I nodded. “You are my baby, and I will always look after you.” She tickled under my chin and smiled. “And you must never let anyone make you feel like there is something wrong with you.” She tickled my chin again. “Do you understand me, Lizzie?”

“No,” Caoimhe warned, attention moving to my scratchy nails. She stood up from her dressing table and walked over to the bed. “You are not allowed to do that.” Crouching down in front of me, she took my hands in hers and looked in my eyes. “You are not allowed to hurt yourself.” I’m sorry, I wanted to tell her. I don’t know how to make it stop.

Her blue eyes started to water. “Please talk to me.” Sniffling, she swept me up in her arms and held me to her chest. “Please, Liz, just one word. I’m begging you.” I’m trying.

“Not necessarily, but there is evidence to suggest Elizabeth is experiencing psychotic episodes. What concerns me is her lack of awareness and the frequent blackout episodes.” He twisted a pen between his fingers. “She appears to have no memory of what she does.”

“Does she even know it’s her birthday?” Caoimhe asked then, and it made me cross. Of course I did. I had a birthday cake, didn’t I? She laughed before adding, “She probably doesn’t even know what age she’s turning.” Planting my hands on my hips, I turned to my sister and glared. “Four.” Caoimhe’s eyes widened in surprise. “What did you just say?” “Four,” I repeated, still cross with her. “I’m not silly.” I pointed to the candles on my cake. “One, two, three, four.” Now, Mammy and Daddy were looking at me with big, wide eyes.

“Did she just…” “Yes, she definitely did.” “Oh my God.” “She can talk.” “Never mind talking. She can count.” “Say something else,” Caoimhe commanded, sounding excited. “Come on, Liz, tell us something else.” I frowned at her. “Like what?” “Oh my God!” Caoimhe squealed, jumping from foot to foot as she clapped her hands. “She actually answered me!” I always answered her, but she just couldn’t hear me. None of them could.

Oh Lizzie☹️💔

“Caoimhe, you need to settle down,” Mam said, moving to stand between us. “She’s only four, sweetheart, and she’s come leaps and bounds this year. Don’t be angry with her.” “Angry with her?” Caoimhe’s eyes bulged. “I fucking hate her, Mam!” “Caoimhe!” “She’s a fucking lunatic, Mam.” “Don’t you dare call your sister that word.” “Why not? It’s the truth. Half the time she’s a mute, and the other half, she’s screaming her head off and attacking anyone who gets near her.” My sister threw her hands up and screamed. “She attacked another child in her classroom, for fuck’s sake. My friend’s baby brother! She drew blood. You can’t honestly think that’s normal behavior.”

“Don’t raise your voice to your mother. You know she’s not well.” “Yeah, from another plague she brought into our lives,” Caoimhe spat. “First Lizzie and now cancer!”

“Now, I’ve been cutting you slack because I understand how hard the past couple of years have been on you, but you’ve overstepped your mark, young lady,” Daddy told Caoimhe. “I understand your frustrations, and I feel for you, but taking it out on your sick mother is not the way to handle this, Caoimhe.” Breaking down in front of him, my sister covered her face with her hands and screamed, “I wish I was dead!”

“I don’t want to be me anymore.” “Why would you say that?” “Because I’m bad.”

“You’re not bad, sweetheart.” “Yes, I am.” I blinked back the tears filling my eyes. “That’s why you give me those tablets. I heard Caoimhe and Daddy talking about it. It’s because I’m crazy.” “No, Lizzie, no.” Mam cupped my face in her hands. “You are not crazy, sweetheart. Do you hear me? You are perfect just the way you are.” “Then why do they hate me?” I sobbed, turning my face away. “Why does everyone look at me funny?” “They don’t hate you, sweetheart, and nobody looks at you funny.” “They do.” I sniffled. “I know.”

I had to make my family love me. If I didn’t, they were going to send me away. “Stop fighting it,” a voice in my head commanded, and I flinched when the watery image of a woman’s face flashed before my eyes. “Just give in. It’ll all be better then.” Oh no. The voice was back. The scary voice. The one that made me wet the bed. The one that made me fight. Clamping my hands over my ears, I hummed loudly to drown it out. I had to make the voice go away.

Humming under my breath, I wrestled with the soap, trying to squish it between my hands. My eyes looked at me from the mirror and I frowned. I didn’t like to look at my eyes for too long. They scared me when they changed colors. They talked to me when they got dark. Inside my head. Whispers, whispers, whispers.

That monster found us, she took my child, and I’m leaving before she can do it again.” “Yes, but she didn’t hurt her. She took her for a couple of hours and brought her back.” “Without telling her mother she was taking her! Jesus Christ, Michael, the girls don’t even know the woman. Don’t you understand how dangerous this was? Anything could have happened to Lizzie!” “Liz?” Caoimhe poked her head around the bathroom door and smiled. “There you are.” I frowned when I saw her. She never smiled at me. She was always cross with me. “Nothing happened. She brought her back without a mark on her.” Caoimhe’s smile turned into a sad one. “Come on.” She held her hand out for me. “Come with me.” “Why?” I asked, feeling confused. “This time. What happens next time? What if she takes a turn and decides to…” “Because I want to play with you,” she said, giving me a big smile. “Hurry up.”

“Are you okay?” she asked, waiting for me to come inside before closing the door behind us. “You weren’t listening to that, were you?” “Mammy’s cross,” I replied, making a beeline for her giant bed. Caoimhe never let me go into her room anymore, not since I started junior infants and she was always cross with me, so I was excited to be here now. “Daddy’s cross, too.”

She walked over to her boom box and switched it on. When the familiar song drifted from the speakers, I smiled. “This one’s my favorite,” I told her, sitting cross-legged in the middle of her bed. Before I started big school, she used to let me hang out with her all the time. That’s how I knew about all the pop stars and singers. “I know.” She looked over her shoulder and smiled at me. “You remember the name of the band, don’t you?” Her tone was teasing now. “You better not have forgotten the name of the best band in the world.” “Fleetwood Mac,” I said proudly before pointing at the stereo. “And that’s their album called Rumours.” She played it all the time and I knew the words of the songs better than the prayers I learned at school.

“And who is our witchy queen?” “Stevie.” “And our guitar king?” “Lindsey.” Caoimhe’s smile grew bigger. “And what’s my favorite song?” “‘Landslide.’” “And Mam’s?” “‘The Chain.’” “And what’s yours?” “‘Silver Springs.’”

“And who else do we love?” My sister pointed to the T-shirt she was wearing, the one with the smiley face on it. She was wearing a pair of baggy jeans with holes in the knees, too, and her wrists were covered with bangles and bracelets. She also had a silver, moon-shaped necklace pendant around her neck, and I wanted to look just like her when I was bigger. “I’ll give you a hint,” Caoimhe said, still pointing to her shirt. “It starts with Nir…” “Nirvana!” I filled in, feeling excited because she looked so happy with me. I liked it when people were happy with me. It made me feel warm in my belly, not like the burning-hot feeling when I made them sad. Like Daddy. He was always sad when he looked at me, and that didn’t feel good. Not good at all.

“Am I bad, Caoimhe?” “What?” My sister’s brows scrunched together, and she gave me a funny look. “Where did you hear that?” I shrugged. “Don’t know.” “No, Liz.” Caoimhe heaved out a big breath and climbed onto the bed with me. “You’re not bad.” Her hands were warm when they pulled me onto her lap, but her voice was sad. It made the burning feeli...

“How come you don’t want me in your school?” I turned in her lap to look at her. “Do you hate me?” “No,” she whispered, sounding super sad. “I just get frustrated, that’s all.” “Because of me?” She nodded. “I’m sorry.” “No, Liz, I’m sorry.” Her arms tightened around me, making me feel warm and happy. Making the bur...

“Remember that weirdo who showed up to dinner today with the Christmas presents?” Settling me between her legs, she freed my hair from my ponytail. “The one Mam got upset with for taking you to the river?” I thought about the lady that came to our house today and smiled. “We fed the ducks.” “That’s Dad’s sister.” She continued to brush my hair out with her fingers. “Nell.” “I didn’t know Daddy had a sister,” I replied. “She never came here before.” “That’s because his sister is a rip-roaring lunatic,” Caoimhe explained, braiding my hair.

Nestling into her chest, I reached up and touched her cheek; my favorite way to snuggle.

“Because when you go to heaven, all of your pain goes away.” I smiled to myself. That was a nice thought.

Lizzie😭💔😭💔

I thought about the medicine in the bathroom cabinet, the bottle with the name Elizabeth Young on it, and how Mammy took one out every day and gave it to me. “Am I sick like the lady?” The hot feeling grew inside of me, gobbling up the earlier excitement. “There’s something wrong with me, isn’t there?” I knew there was. I heard the voices, too. They whispered in my ear when I was alone in my bed at night.

“I hear them, too, Caoimhe.” I sprang up to look at her, feeling itchy all over. “I see things, too. When I’m sleeping. The monster comes to take me. It keeps pushing me down with its sharp nails—” “Lizzie, you need to stop talking,” she warned, covering my mouth with her hand. “Don’t ever say that out loud again.” She looked down at me with angry eyes. “You are fine. There is nothing wrong with you. You don’t hear voices. You aren’t sick. It skipped over you, just like it skipped over me and Dad. You’re just a regular kid, and all these weird, little quirks will fade away.” I shook my head, feeling confused and hot all over. My skin was itching. My fingers were scratchy. I could feel the hot screams in my throat. “There is nothing wrong with you,” my sister repeated, keeping her hand over my mouth to stop me from screaming. “So you better start acting like it or you’ll end up where she did.”

God, they truly failed her

“I hate her!” Caoimhe cried, throwing herself face down on her bed. “I wish she wasn’t here!” “Don’t say that,” one of her friends from school said while he rubbed her shoulder. He was the only boy at her party. “I have younger brothers and sisters, too, and they throw tantrums all the time.” “Not like her, they don’t,” Caoimhe wailed into her pillow. “You clearly haven’t met Joey,” the boy replied. “Shh, come on, it’s not the end of the world.”

Joey😣

“She pulled my hair,” I tried to explain, through my tears. “She hurt me.” The boy turned back to look at me. “I know,” he said in a gentle voice. “She’s telling the truth, you know.” He looked at Caoimhe. “I saw Saoirse Murphy pull her ponytail when you were blowing out the candles on your cake.”

“Maybe you should go downstairs for a little bit.” Darren looked at me again, this time with sad, blue eyes. His voice was kind when he said, “Your sister’s just upset, okay? She doesn’t mean any of this.” Sniffling, I nodded. “I’m sorry.” “It’ll be okay.” He gave me a reassuring smile. “I promise.”

“I’m bad.” “No, you are not.” “Everyone thinks I am.” “Well, I’ll let you in on a little secret.” She crooked her finger, gesturing for me to come closer. When I did, she whispered in my ear, “Anyone who thinks you’re bad is a stupid fucker.”

“Anyway, Mark’s a first year like me, and his dad is going out with Sadhbh Gibson. You remember Sadhbh, don’t you? I babysit Gibs and Beth all the time.”

Can you believe it? He’s going to be living with the kids I babysit! It’s like fate has intervened on my behalf because he is seriously fine.”

I could throw up

“What’s wrong with your sister?” Mark asked after dinner when I walked into the kitchen and saw them kissing. “Selective mutism,” Caoimhe replied, filling a glass of water from the tap. “Don’t take it personal. She’s like this with everyone except family.” She took a sip before adding, “That’s why she goes to school in the city and does all that therapy I was telling you about.” She shrugged. “She can talk perfectly fine when it suits her.”

Mark turned his attention to me and smiled. “Hey, munchkin.” He called me munchkin. I liked it.

“She won’t tell your father we were kissing, right?” he asked, looking over his shoulder at my sister. “She can keep her mouth shut?” “Duh.” Caoimhe rolled her eyes and popped a grape into her mouth. “I just told you she doesn’t rat. Besides, she barely talks to our father.” “She’s mute with him, too?” “Sometimes.” “Did he hurt her or something?” “No,” Caoimhe snapped, sounding angry now. “Why would our dad hurt her?”

“She likes you.” “How can you tell?” “She’s smiling. Trust me, she wouldn’t smile like that if she didn’t like you.” “She looks like a little angel.” Mark smiled and crouched down in front of me. “Do you like me, munchkin? Hmm? Are you going to talk to me?” “Oh, no, no, no. She might look like one, but don’t let that angelic face fool you,” Caoimhe laughed. “She screams like a banshee when she feels like it.” “I bet I can get her to talk,” he said, tucking my hair behind my ear. “You can try.” Caoimhe scoffed. “But no doctor has been able to fix her.” “Would you like that, munchkin?” Mark asked, hand on my shoulder. “Would you like me to fix you?” Nodding, I smiled back at him. Yes, please.

I’m gonna be sick

“Sorry, munchkin, but the boss has spoken.” He set me down on my bed and ruffled my hair. “I’ll play with you the next time I come over, okay?” Nodding happily, I watched him leave, while hoping Caoimhe brought him back soon. My very first friend.

🥴🥴

“That’s it. Don’t cry. Shh, shh…” “That’s because you’re a bad girl. God is punishing you…” “He sent me to make you clean…” “Tell me you want it…” Panicking, I bolted up the staircase, not stopping until I was under the covers in my bed. Bad girl. Bad girl. Bad girl. Clenching my eyes shut, I tried to push the voices out of my head, but they wouldn’t go.

Mark slipped into my room. I smiled when he locked the door behind him because that meant he was going to fix me again.

Oh god

They always made me promise not to tell. That was easy-peasy for me because I was good at keeping secrets. After all, I kept lots of secrets for them. Especially Mark’s secret superpower. I never told anyone because Mark said that would make it stop working, and I didn’t want to get sick again. He said I would if he didn’t keep fixing me.

“Are you ready for me, munchkin?” Mark whispered, moving to my bed. “I’ve been waiting up for you,” I told him, proud of myself for staying up so late without getting caught. “Just like you said.” “That’s my girl.” Grinning, he sat down on the edge of my bed. “Look what I got for Christmas.” He held up a shiny camera and said, “I’m going to take some pictures of you, munchkin. Special pictures just for me, okay?”

I’m gonna be sick

“We might have to try something different tonight, munchkin.” “Like what?” He thought about it for a long time, tapping his chin before saying, “I could try the really special hug.” “Yes.” I nodded eagerly. “Do it.” “Are you sure?” He arched a brow. “It might feel strange.” “Will it make me better?” “Oh yeah,” he said coaxingly. “It’ll make you feel so much better, munchkin.” I agreed. “Then do it.” “Okay.” He sat on my bed and placed his hand on my leg. “I’m going to need you to take off your nightie for this, munchkin.” He smiled. “It’s how boys and girls do the special hug. We have to take all of our clothes off.”

Mark when I fucking catch you.

“Don’t be cross with me, Hughie,” he pleaded, looking up at me with those big puppy-dog, gray eyes that got him out of trouble. “You’re my big brother.” I rolled my eyes to the heavens, but I knew he was right. We might not have had the same parents, but Gerard Gibson was my brother.

Aside from the four months I’d been alive longer than him, I’d never known a world without the curly-haired troublemaker beside me. It was strange because I didn’t think of him as a friend like Patrick Feely, my best friend from school. I thought of Gibsie in the same way I thought about my little sister Claire. Gibs didn’t have to be careful with my feelings and I didn’t have to be careful with his. We could argue, fight, and say the worst things to each other and still be okay because we were brothers, and brothers always came back together in the end.

I had plenty of opinions of my own about the crap going on in the house across the street from mine. Especially about the asshole Sadhbh was kissing instead of Joe, but I did as my mother asked. Keith Allen. Puke.

“We are still a family,” Sadhbh repeated in a sterner tone. “Our family just looks different to how it used to.” “Yeah, because you broke it!” Gibs choked out, backing away from his mother. “You and your asshole boyfriend.”

“I’m mad!” “I know.” “I hate that asshole!” “I know.” “I don’t want to live with her!” “I know.” “I want to be with my dad!” “I know.” Chest heaving from temper, Gibs glared at me through tear-filled, gray eyes for what felt like forever before exhaling a ragged breath. “I just want everything to go back to normal, Hugh.” “I know, Gibs.” I sighed heavily. “Me, too.” “It’s not going to, is it?” “No, Gibs.” I slowly shook my head. “I don’t think so.”

I didn’t know what to say to make him feel better and I hated it. Because I wanted to help. I wanted to make it all better for him. I wanted to bring his dad home and put his family back together again. But I couldn’t. All I could do was sit beside him and keep him company.

“So when’s your sister getting back from the hairdresser with Sinead?” Rolling my eyes, I gave Gibs a dirty look, even though I was secretly glad that he was back to his favorite topic. “Would it kill you to pretend I’m your favorite for one day?” “I don’t know, Hugh. I’m not that good of a liar,”

“Thanks, Lizzie,” Shannon whispered from her perch beside me. We were sitting on the bench outside the principal’s office, waiting for our parents to come out from their meeting. “But you shouldn’t have done it.” She looked up at me with big, blue eyes. “You’re going to get in deep trouble because of me.” “I don’t care,” I told her. “He hurt my friend. He made you cry.” “Yeah, but you made him bleed,” she replied, chewing her lip. “You’re going to get punished.”

I didn’t feel bad, though. I didn’t feel like screaming. Instead, I felt warm. My thoughts were nice and slow. It always happened when I sat next to Shannon Lynch. It made me want to sit with her forever.

oh my girls❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹