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“Her name is Claire,” I growled, feeling my body tremble with anger as I moved to stand with my friends. “So why don’t you fuck off!”
“Yeah, I did,” I agreed, deciding to stand my ground, even when a crowd formed around us. We were outside of school, but even if someone told a teacher on me, I didn’t care. I was used to having grown-ups shout at me. I was used to disappointing people. “I can say worse,” I added, scowling up at the bully. “I can do worse, too.”
“Why don’t you shut the hell up,” I screamed, rushing forward and shoving the girl as hard as I could.
“She’s a very fragile little girl who needs looking after.” “I’ll do it,” I vowed, casting a glance out the patio window to the blond girl twirling around in circles in her denim dungarees. “I’ll look after her, Mam, I promise.”
Mark didn’t fix me this time. Hugh did. And he didn’t have to hurt me to do it…
“I want to be a cardiologist.” “And that’s a heart surgeon, right?” “Yep.” I pulled up on my elbows to get a better look at him. “Why?” “Because there’s too many broken hearts around here.”
“Never underestimate the healing power of a mother’s love.”
“From this day forth, dear Wife, this sword shall be sworn to you.” He placed his stick at my feet and bowed again. “I shall slay all your enemies, shield you from dragons, and protect you with my life.” “And I shall protect you with mine, dear Husband.” Snatching the stick, I jumped to my feet and swished it around. “Have no fear, brave knight, for I shall be your secret weapon in every battle.”
My best friend had a beautiful, complicated, and brilliant mind, and I knew I had enough love in my heart for her to remain right by her side. No matter what. “It’s your sister’s birthday,” Mark stated, walking into Lizzie’s room for the third time tonight. Without knocking. For the third time.
Because her son was my sun. “I just want Hugh,” I strangled out, voice shaking almost as much as my body. “Just…just Hugh, okay?”
After that, I was a slave to the pain. To the temporary relief from my pain. The pain nobody could see. The pain in my mind. I was careful to conceal my scars from the outside world with stacks of bracelets on my wrists and oversized clothing. I protected my secret solace like my life depended on it, because in all honesty, on my really bad days, it did.
“And if you think you’re in pain now, just wait, asshole, because if you even think about calling him names again”—she paused to jab a thumb in my
I’ll do a hell of a lot more than kick you in the balls.” Crouching down so he would hear her, she spat, “I will cut them out of your gooch and feed them to your bitch-ass friend.”
“I don’t know if I’m in love or in fear for my life.” I could only hope it was the latter for Feely because I was fairly sure I was stuck on the former.
“You’ve never been bad.” “I’m sorry.” “For what?” “Not sure.” Liz tried to shake her head. “Just am.” “Well, I am sure, Liz,” I told her, feeling my heart shattering into a thousand pieces. “I’m sure that you’re good and kind and the most amazing girl I’ve ever met.” Swallowing down my emotions, I smoothed a hand over her hair and leaned in close to whisper, “You are all of the good things in the world and none of the bad. You won’t feel this way forever. Okay? You’re going to feel better again.”
“No, I’m not, Hugh,” she mumbled drowsily, eyelids fluttering shut. “I’m bipolar.” “Bipolar?” I croaked back. “What do you mean you’re bipolar, Liz?” “Mm-hmm.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” “Too scared,” she mumbled, squeezing my hand. “You’d leave.” “I wouldn’t leave,” I strangled, chest heaving, as I tried to make sense of all I’d learned in such a short space of time. “I won’t leave,” I quickly clarified, heart thundering violently. “I’m not leaving.”
“I’m staying, okay?” I kissed her hand again. “No matter what.”
“I need you.” “I know.” Nodding, I cradled her hand to my cheek, needing to feel her touch. “I need you, too.”
“I am staying,” I promised, attention flicking to her hand I was still holding. “Right here.” Turning it over, I stared in horror at the deep welts on her wrist. “Brian didn’t do that to your wrist, did he, Liz?” Nothing. “Liz,” I said, a little sterner now, attention still riveted to her wrist. Beneath the fresh cuts were older scars. Deep scars. Ones I’d never noticed before because she always wore dozens of bracelets. “Where did these scars come from?” “Don’t go,” was all she replied, and it was a barely coherent mumbled slur. “He gets me when you’re not here.”
“No matter what?” “Yeah, Liz.” Sniffling, I used my shoulder to wipe the tear on my cheek. “No matter what.”
Elizabeth Young. Clonazepam.
count of how many times I’d heard the words, “Lizzie just gets a bit down in herself from time to time” or “she has her up and down days, but it’s nothing for you to worry about” or, my personal favorite, “she’ll pull herself together in no time.”
Their daughter wasn’t just down. Liz had bottomed out to the point where she couldn’t lift her head off the pillow. This wasn’t the first time it had happened, either. I knew because I’d witnessed similar episodes in sporadic fashion all the way back to the first day we met. I knew that when she got sad, she couldn’t be coaxed out of it. Nothing worked.
The grown-ups told me that when her mood dropped this low, it was called a dark episode, and I thought that might have been the most sensible comment I’d heard all night. At least the word dark accurately portrayed how lifeless she became. How, when she went dark, she reminded me of a corpse with a beating heart. “She has a very complicated mind.” “The best people do.” “Elizabeth has struggled since she was a toddler.” “But those were mostly tantrums.” “She hit puberty far earlier than we hoped, and because of that, her hormones are causing her some problems.” “But that’s nothing for you to be
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staircase. Today is a good day. And I’m not bad. Because my dad loves me. I can be lovable.
“Sunshine means nothing to me if you’re not in it.”
“I know.” She tightened her grip on my arm. “That’s the only thing keeping me going.” “What does that mean?” “I don’t want to be alive without you.” “Don’t say that, Liz,” I warned, feeling my heart crack clean open in my chest. “Don’t you ever say that again.”
“She’s never not going to be sad,” Gibsie replied, sniffling again. “Trust me, that kind of sadness never goes away. The world just stops seeing it.”
“I love you more,” he replied without missing a beat. “I’m going to be with you, Liz,” he added, voice taking on a gruff tone. “When you open your eyes in the morning, my face is the first thing you’re going to see. All day, every day, and every fucking night if I get my way, until school starts in September. Because you are more important to me than anything else in my life. And because there’s nowhere else that I would rather be than right there with you.”
Because I felt so alone and desperately wanted to have him close, but I was also terrified of him seeing me at my worst—really seeing me…and walking away. Because there was something wrong with me, something broken inside of my head, and while I used to have some control over it before, that control had been eradicated that day at my sister’s graveside.
“Don’t use her bipolar disorder against her. Don’t be like the others.”
Deep down inside, I had always known I didn’t deserve a friend like Hugh Biggs, but that knowledge was only vindicated further by his actions this summer. Anyone else would have turned on their heels and bolted, but not Hugh. He stayed despite the tears, trauma, and tantrums. He stayed. For me.
I’d always known I loved Hugh, but my feelings for him had deepened over the summer. Like the roots of the tall oak tree in the meadow that sprawled deep beneath the surface of the earth, the love I felt for this boy had taken ahold of my heart to the point where I honestly thought I might die without him.
So
I had to keep going. I had to fight. * * *
The worst part of it all was that I still loved her, and I still wanted to be with her. And I fucking hated myself for feeling that way.
“Oh, relax!” I sneered, full-on raging now. “You didn’t crawl into my bed in the middle of the night and fuck me like he did!” Hugh gaped at me. “What are you talking about?” “The monster!” I screamed, throwing my hands up. “You know he fucks me in my dreams, don’t ya? He’s been doing it for years!” I choked out a maniacal laugh. “Oops. Maybe I shouldn’t have told you I’ve been sleep-cheating on you for years!”
“I’m truly sorry for the hell I’ve put you through. For repeatedly breaking your trust and ruining our relationship.” Tears continued to fill her eyes, but she blinked them away and kept going. “Coming off my meds was horribly selfish and unfair to you. You’ve always been there for me, supporting me through everything, and it was incredibly self-centered and unreasonable of me.” Another shiver rolled through her as she continued, “I’m really sorry for not taking accountability sooner, but knowing that I hurt you is the hardest pill I’ve ever had to swallow.” “Liz.” My heart cracked clean open.
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“I know you need to stay away from me,” she breathed, body racking with tremors. “And I know why you can’t be my friend anymore, but I just want you to know that I am so grateful to have had you in my life.” A pained sob escaped her when she said, “I’ll never have a greater friend, Hugh Biggs, or a greater love.” “Fuck.” I blew out a ragged breath as my heart thundered violently. “Liz.”
“I’ll never stop being sorry for betraying you,” she said, holding her head in her hands. “And I’ll never forgive myself for killing us.”
“No, Hugh, we can’t,” she replied sadly, entwining her fingers with mine. “You can’t be friends with the person you’re in love with.” Tears trickled down her cheeks. “And I’m always going to be in love with you, Hugh.”
“We can try,” I heard myself offer, feeling panicked at the thought of this being it. Please, God, don’t let this be it. “Liz, it’ll be okay.”
“And I want you to move on from me,” she said, choking on the words like they physically pained her. “I don’t want you to feel guilty about it or think you’re doing something wrong, because you aren’t. Because you are too amazing of a person to spend your life stuck on a fuckup like me.”
“I’ll always love you, Hugh Biggs,” Liz said when she rounded the table and stopped in front of me. Inhaling a quivering breath, she leaned down and pressed a kiss to my cheek before whispering, “No matter what.” And then she was gone.
