Fat Chance

by Nick Spalding

In the past few days I’ve been lard-arse, jelly-tits, jiggle-puffs, porks-a-lot, the gutmeister, flabbington, Jabba, wide-load, Nelly the Elephant—and most bizarrely, Captain Love Handles.

When did I stop wanting to make an effort?

know you’re in a bad way when inanimate objects have the power to irritate you just by their existence.

How many times over the years have I substituted standing up for myself with chocolate cake?

Wilfred looks more glum than Birmingham. ‘I got the dog in the settlement. The house went to her and the shoes.’

How on earth can we ever expect our society to get thinner when no-one is making any effort to make the healthy food cheaper than the toxic, fatty stuff that’s creating a nation of tubby fuckers with too many fillings?

Ten minutes later I’m more confused than a Tory politician in Lidl.

went on to explain a few cold, hard facts to me. Weight loss is about burning more calories than you take in. Our bodies are essentially engines. If you put in less fuel than you burn off, then your body turns to its fat reserves to compensate. That’s how you lose weight. That is the only way human beings lose weight.