Nightshade (Sorrowsong University, #1)

by Autumn Woods

It’s petty. I’m petty.

There is a time a place to be petty, for sure

“There isn’t a sports team for being a spineless nepo baby.”

That was a good comeback

“Disrupt or be disrupted, Ophelia. The choice is yours.”

I’m going to die, and I haven’t even done today’s Wordle.

Girl, check your priorities

You occupy my mind.

MORE OF THIS PLEASE

For once, I take what I need, do what I want. For the first time in a long time, I fall asleep with all the pieces of myself united here in Sorrowsong Valley.

Oh bb

Nothing scorches like the self-loathing, though.

FACTS

I don’t know what he sees in me, but I can’t accept his love.

Me either

I feel so deeply. I always have. Every emotion that runs through me goes through an amplifier on the way in. The tiny inconveniences feel like mountains, the annoyances become insurmountable wrath. I cry at charity adverts, laugh at dogs in the park. I can’t watch someone feel blue and not let it stain me too.

Aha

My mind is a chaotic blend of too many colors, too bright, too busy, too loud. The color red threads its way around all the others.

This was actually a nice line

I’ve had a long day, and I want her for dinner.” Holy fuck.

hehe

The two people stuck inside me can’t decide what they want anymore.

...

“Tell me you missed me.” I look back up at him, at the hunger in his gaze. “I’d rather choke you.” His eyes smolder, lips part. “You could’ve told me that was an option.”

oh

“Do you want me or do you hate me? You can’t do both. You can’t have both. It’s not possible. In a world full of complicated, Ophelia, my feelings for you are extremely simple.”

Him making all the sense in this book

“Your audiobook addiction is getting out of hand.”

I take back my last comment

He grins like this has made his day. “You like my thighs?” “Nope. You misheard me.” “I’d pay good money to watch you grind on one of them.”

I like him

“You could’ve called me today, when you were scared.” I don’t know what to say back. I long for someone to call, he’s just the last person I ever wanted or expected to fall for. “I struggle with asking for help.”

You don't say

He presses his palms together like he’s praising the universe. “Oh my god. She’s becoming self-aware.”

This made me laugh so hard

“I’ve built my walls too high.” “They’re worth the climb.” “They aren’t.” We stop on the mansion steps, his tone soft. “They are. For me, they are.”

should be poetic, but felt ridicules

I sound like a broken record, stuck on repeat for so long that neither of us is really listening anymore.

“So why haven’t you put me out of my misery and left me alone.” “I’m trying,” I choke out. “God, I’m trying.

But have you really?

“It’s you who’s the sun, Ophelia. I am the moon. You keep me in this tortuous cycle, lighting me up for the shortest time before you disappear again and make me invisible.

“Let me talk, Ophelia, please. Promise me you’ll listen. Not just hear me but listen, too.”

my shrink says I have to do something for me. Something completely selfish. Something that revolves around what I want.” Gently, he tugs my cardigan aside and plants a kiss on my collarbone. “You’re that for me. You’re not charity, you’re not a sympathy project. You’re not in my room right now because I feel sorry for you, or because I think you couldn’t take down your stalker alone. You’re what I want, my ultimate selfish act, my darkest desire. So let me work for you. It’s therapeutic for me.”

You’re the most miserable person I’ve ever met. Have you ever been optimistic about anything, ever?” “No,” I grumble.

She is really something isn't she

Give me until midnight. For my own sanity, let yourself be loved until midnight.” There’s only so much willpower a woman can have. Soft lips land on my neck, and for the first time, I let myself relax in his company. I surrender myself to his stupid plan. “Midnight.” “Midnight, a hundred years from now.” I laugh and shove him off me. “That wasn’t in the deal!” “You should always read the fine print, Ophelia,”

“If you end up being the death of me, Winters, I couldn’t ask for a better end.”

“Take what you want, Ophelia.” He keeps his eyes on mine and plants the softest of kisses on the inside of my wrist. “Use me.”

Thank you for…” Being patient with me. Meeting each of my insecurities with equal kindness. Kissing me. Letting me believe I might be worthy of love. Giving my lonely heart a safe place to rest. “Everything,”

He kisses me with so much force, so much intensity that all I can do is hold onto his arms and hope I don’t get swept away.

When he pulls away, he looks happy. Not the silly, fleeting kind, about new purchases or shallow compliments. His eyes are glittering, like the happiness has grown new, delicate roots inside him.

Someone making you happy is one thing, but seeing the demons in someone’s eyes go quiet when they look at you? It’s something else entirely. “Stop looking at me like that, Alex.” His hips grind into mine. “Like what?” “Like I’m the only woman on the planet.” His eyebrows shoot up in very convincing surprise. “There are other women on this planet?”

His smile is nothing but wicked. “Oh man. Corrupting you is going to be great.”

He calls me beautiful as if it were my name, touches me as if it keeps him alive, kisses me like he wants to brand himself on me forever.

His hands lift my wet hair into a ponytail, wrapping it around one fist and pulling it, hard. It’s in contrast to the softness in his eyes. I love that; how rough he is with me all while staring at me like he’d bend the tides or steal the moon to see me happy.

“You make me finally understand what people mean when they say life isn’t long enough.”

It’s such an ugly thing, to be envious of other people’s joy.

Whatever it is, I’ve seen messy, I know messy; I’d never judge.

She looks half dead, half alive.

“Everything about my life is just silent. Stagnant.” I run the bristles of a hairbrush down the wet skin of her back, just how she likes. “You won’t know silence like this again. I’ll fill each second until our last.”

But if it’s what she needs right now, I’ll accept it. I brush the tangles from her waist-length hair. Steam rises from her pale skin in the poorly lit bathroom. “Then I’ll love you with the same intensity that you hate me. I’ll hold on to you just as hard as you push me away. I’ll fix you like you’re fixing me. I’ll always be here, Ophelia, I’ll sit at the bottom of valleys and stand on the top of mountains with you. We’re too good not to work.”

“I don’t know myself anymore. I don’t know what I like, I don’t know what makes me happy.

“I know you, love. I see you and I know you.”

I know you, Ophelia, and it’s a privilege.” “It’s scary to be known,” she mumbles. I get that. I feel it too.

Forget dying for her. I’d live for her. I feel like I could overcome all the darkness inside if only it meant I’d get a life in her company in return.

I love you in ways I’ve never loved anyone before. My mind has been this shitty shade of gray for so long, and now there’s this little thread of auburn copper.” I wrap a lock of hair around my finger. “This little orange strand runs through the gray like a ray of hope. I love every piece of you, especially the parts that you’ve convinced yourself aren’t worthy of my love.”

I know Ophelia. I have some otherworldly connection to her that transcends what makes sense. In my heart I know she’s alive, because if she wasn’t, it would be aching.

He’s vaguely familiar; a tall, gray-haired man whose existence is as miserable as his sweater.

I knew she had a fucked-up little monster of her own. I knew a tiny thread of depravity stained her gentle heart. Cute.

“Let’s go home,” he whispers. “Home?” Each gentle kiss on my hair mends another crack in my heart. “Wherever you want, love. It’s home if we’re there.”