Merry Me

by C.R. Jane

He went west the next day—to bright lights and red carpets and dreams so big they barely fit inside movie screens. And I stayed. Quietly. Hollowed out. Pretending I hadn’t just let go of the only real thing I’d ever felt. People said I’d move on. That I was young, that I’d fall in love again. But I knew better. What we had…that kind of love didn’t come around twice. And I was the one who’d let it go. I told myself it was for the best.

“That was forever ago. He’s matured. He does CrossFit now.” “Oh, well. Obviously that’s the same as therapy,” I deadpanned. “Tell me you didn’t say yes to a man who once thought wearing a backwards snapback made him deep.”

“He’s not like that anymore! He’s thoughtful and focused now.” “Thoughtful? Paige, he once ate seventeen mozzarella sticks at our house and then threw up in our dryer.”

“That was also forever ago,” she said, unfazed. “People grow up. You of all p...

I’d scrolled back at least a year and found zero evidence of Easton and Levi still being in each other’s lives. No recent selfies. No bro-hugs. No golf outings or barbecue reunions. Easton was firmly ensconced in Hollywood and, more importantly, firmly away from me. Ensconced. That was a big word. I gave myself a mental high five. It was good to reward yourself for literacy.

“Christmas Eve?” My voice jumped an octave. “As in this Christmas Eve? Paige, that’s two fucking weeks away!” “I know; isn’t it romantic? Snow, Christmas lights, everyone together for the holidays…” Her words blurred into a festive, tinsel-covered buzz saw as my brain conjured the nightmare that awaited me. “You mean everyone forced together for the holidays,” I grumbled.

But what if he was there? That question dug into me like a splinter. Who gives a fuck, though? I told myself with a little more venom than necessary. I was the one who had ended things. I’m sure he had long forgotten about me. He’d probably see me and shake my hand like we were old business associates. Maybe even thank me for not dragging it out. Cool. Great. Fabulous.

I forced myself to hold the moment, camera-ready and stone-faced, but all I could think about was the last time a kiss had meant something. Really meant something. Natalie. Her name slammed into me like a sucker punch. She’d tasted like mint and mischief, like strawberry lip balm and too many memories. Kissing her had never been rehearsed. It had never needed staging. It was messy and real and electric in a way that couldn’t be manufactured under studio lights. With her, I never had to fake it. Never had to pretend I was in love. Because I was.

Kissing scenes. Sex scenes. Anything romantic was the bane of my existence. The only way I’d managed to get through any of them was by thinking about her. Which was the exact opposite of what I wanted to be doing. Natalie. Natalie Fucking Bennett.

The girl who’d been living rent-free in my head since the moment I’d seen her face in middle school.

Almost two fucking years without a word, and she was still the first thing I thought of when someone said, love scene or love, or anything remotely resembling soulmates and the person you were obsessed with.

Fortunately, that silence—our exile—felt like it was finally coming to an end. The distance. The wondering. The ache of not knowing if she ever thought of me, too. I was finally going to have the chance to look her in the eye and say all the things I hadn’t been allowed to say. Maybe then, I could finally get my sanity back.

This time, I wasn’t giving her space to run. I wasn’t letting her talk herself out of us, out of what we had. This time, I was going all in. I’d already lost her once. I wasn’t going to make the same mistake again.

Not when I’d waited this long. Not when every part of me still wanted her. This time…I wasn’t going to take no for an answer.

“See, that doesn’t count,” I said, raising a finger. “That was a very emotionally vulnerable week. Also, the cheese fries were aggressively salty.” “You told me you accidentally sexted your pastor thanks to autocorrect.” “I meant to say feeling blessed, not feeling breast. It was an honest mistake!” Casey smirked. “I’m not sure that I expected you to label your sister’s wedding as a platform for your dark secrets, but I’m intrigued now.”

“Because my ex is Easton Maddox,” I blurted out once I’d gotten a little more of that liquid courage. Casey blinked. Tilted her head. “Wait…like…the barista from that coffee shop on Fifth?” she asked, brows furrowed in concentration. I stared at her. “No. I’m pretty sure that guy’s name is just Maddox. And also, he spells latte with a y, so I’m insulted you think I would date him.” Then her eyes went wide. Too wide. “Okay, wait. No. There’s no way. But I’m just going to ask just in case… Do you mean movie star Easton Maddox?”

“Easton Maddox? As in Easton Maddox, the hottest young star in Hollywood right now? That Easton?” I rolled my eyes. “No, Casey. I meant the Easton Maddox who sells Bibles out of the back of a van in Missouri.” She ignored me completely, spiraling into open-mouthed disbelief. I sank lower in my seat, miserable. “Yes, that Easton.”

“How is that even possible? You dated Easton Maddox, and you’re just, what? Casually not talking about it? Is he the reason you don’t want to go home?” “Obviously,” I said miserably. “What am I supposed to do if he’s there? Pretend everything’s fine? Pretend I didn’t break up with him and ruin everything?”

“He won’t regret it,” I muttered. “I broke it off. I thought I was doing the right thing. I did do the right thing.” Casey’s expression softened. “Then maybe it’s time to find out if it’s still the right thing…” I sighed. “Fine. I’ll go. But if I embarrass myself, I’m blaming you.”

“Hi,” he said, extending a hand like we were grown-ups meeting for a business deal. “My name’s Easton Maddox, and I’m going to marry you someday.”

She looked like Mrs. Claus’s chaotic cousin who drank spiked eggnog year-round and judged everyone for not embracing Christmas hard enough. She looked like home.

“Is he going to be there?” I blurted out, interrupting Levi mid-sentence. The room froze. Everyone knew who he was. The he to end all hes. The he my brain had refused to let go of for the last almost two years. Except MeMaw, who, of course, let out a little snicker like this was her favorite soap opera and someone had just dropped a shocking paternity twist. Paige winced, her gaze darting to Levi like she was silently begging him to handle it. “Uh, yeah,” Levi said, shifting his weight awkwardly. “He’s actually on his way here now.”

“What?” “He texted me like ten minutes ago. He’s almost here,” he said, tone casual, like we were talking about a UPS delivery and not the fucking ex love of my life. “What?” I repeated again. My voice came out as a shriek this time, louder than I’d intended. “Here? Now?”

This was a big deal. It was a fucking big deal. I needed Nerds Gummies. Where were my emergency Nerd Gummies? Or vodka. I’d even take the cheap peppermint kind someone always brought to college parties and called festive.

My gaze darted to the window. Oh no. No. But also…yes. Before I could talk myself out of it, I was sliding it open with a sharp squeak and pulling one leg over the sill, adrenaline pumping as I prepared for a good old-fashioned sneak-out. Just like I used to do. Just like I used to do for him. Because we’d been so disgustingly, stupidly in love that twenty-four hours in a day had not been enough. I would sneak out in pajamas, barefoot, just to lie on the hood of his truck and talk about life. Or climb into the passenger seat of his beat-up Ford and drive until the road ran out. Fuck. He really was everywhere in this house. In this town. In my godforsaken, traitorous head. This was not acceptable.

“And miss you making a dramatic…exit, Trouble? I would never.” My stomach flipped. Trouble. Heaven help me. “Ugh, don’t call me that. Just go inside and pretend this never happened.” I groaned, finally freeing myself and scrambling to my feet. What was with these people and old nicknames?

“And how beautiful you look. I’m definitely noticing that,” he muttered suddenly, a pained expression crossing his freakishly hot features as he took me in. “Pretty hard not to notice that when you’re still the most gorgeous girl I’ve ever seen.”

Oh hell no. Fuck. It was happening. I was swooning. Someone call 9-1-1. This was not supposed to be in the picture.

I’d wondered if there was something wrong with me the past two years, if every guy I’d met was just not doing it for me because I was building Easton up in my head. Making up a picture of him that wasn’t real. But standing in front of him right now, it was obvious that my head had been just fine. What had been wrong with me was that I happened to date the gold standard for all men in high school, and now every guy I met would never measure up. Fuck me. Why did Paige have to find true love and decide to get married? This was really inconvenient.

little. I was Natalie Bennett. I could survive anything. Even Easton. Maybe.

I’d kept waiting for the moment when I’d stop missing her. When I’d wake up and not feel the need to check her socials, or scroll through old photos on my phone like some lovesick loser. But that moment never came. No matter how many auditions I booked or how many flashing cameras I faced, she was still the only person I ever wanted to see at the end of the day. And now that I was finally here, finally back, I felt like I was on the edge of a cliff, hoping like hell that when I jumped, she’d be there to catch me.

said. I hadn’t been with anyone since she’d walked away. I’d tried, and I probably had a whole bunch of rumors out there about me having erectile dysfunction or not liking women because my dick took one look at someone

“If she’s yours, she’ll find her way back. And if she doesn’t…well, you’ll just have to come get her, won’t you?”

Because MeMaw was right. I couldn’t cage Natalie. But that didn’t stop me from hoping she’d fly right back to me. And if not, I’d just have to convince her that a life with me was better than anything she could find out there.

Fuck, just being near her, knowing she was close, it was like I could finally fucking breathe again. For almost two years, I’d been suffocating, drowning under the weight of missing her. And now she was here, and I wanted to crawl through that window, up that damn tree, and tell her everything I hadn’t been able to say back then. But I couldn’t. Not yet.

“You mean the last twenty-three months, twenty days, and twelve hours,” he offered casually.

“Phew, I thought you were going to say that I wasn’t allowed to stare at your perfect ass. And then I would have to say no, and it would be this whole thing.”

If I had an addiction, it was arm porn. And possibly abs. And definitely the backwards hat thing. And the smell that was currently drowning me in pheromonal despair.

Old Bessie had been the site for a lot of sex, and just hearing him say her name was sparking a flashback of Easton’s and my hottest moments. Weird but true. “Such a greedy pussy,” he growled, his hot tongue licking through my core. Natalie, get a fucking hold of yourself.

“Easton,” I finally began cautiously. “How did you know that I haven’t been paying tuition?” His smirk turned into a full-fledged grin that threatened to take my breath away. “Because I paid for it, obviously,” he said, completely unrepentantly might I add. As if it were perfectly normal to pay for your ex’s tuition from your big Hollywood contract after she brutally stabs you in the heart. My entire body locked up. My breath snagged. My ovaries simultaneously tried to riot and slap me. I choked. Like, actual sputtering, gasping, about-to-die choking.

“After everything,” I continued, my voice rising. “After I—after we—Why would you do something like that?”

“You should know me better than that to think that just because you said you were done…that it meant I was done too,” he said, his voice quieter now.

“Although, I guess the reason you broke up with me in the first place showed you didn’t actually know me that well, huh?”

I was very aware that I was rambling, but what else were you supposed to do when you found out that your ex-boyfriend, your very famous ex-boyfriend, had paid for your tuition…after you had broken up with him?

This was why I’d left. This. Exactly this. His life was fake names and assistants and glossy premiere photos. And mine was…Nerds Gummies and a beat-up car named Old Bessie.

animal. She knew I’d been keeping tabs. Not everything. Not yet. But the breadcrumbs? I was dropping them with calculated precision. Maybe one day I’d tell her how many hours I’d spent clicking through photos of her and her friends. How I knew what coffee shop she studied at. How many times I’d come close to jumping on a plane just to see her face in person.

How I was the one who’d temporarily disabled Old Bessie so I could have more time with her… But for now? This was way more fun.

Natalie could say what she wanted. But that girl was not over me.

But…the lessons from my bio father had stayed. Like tiny paper cuts I kept reopening without realizing. I think it’s why I’d pulled the ripcord on Easton the second L.A. had become a reality. Like I’d seen warning signs that didn’t actually exist. I’d convinced myself it was better to leave than get left. Better to tear it down myself than wait for someone else to light the match.

Easton’s voice slid against mine like velvet ribbon, and I hated how much I liked the way it sounded. Smooth, sinful, a little smug. He wasn’t just singing…he was seducing me. In front of everyone.