Told You So

by Mayci Neeley

I don’t want to admit that hours before Arik died, I’d learned he cheated on me. Devastated, I’d said the cruelest things I could think of: that he wouldn’t meet his baby unless it was in court; that he would never see me again; that I would never forgive him.

I’ve known all along that God has a plan for everyone. I just don’t know why mine is so shitty.

Most of all, I want to tell her that the tragedies and trauma she’s experienced won’t define her.

That there’s no reason to feel shame about any of her mistakes—that the only shame is in hiding them.

Why is a girl who has sex outside of marriage considered a slut when a guy can get away with it?

He says he lives his life in line with God and Jesus, and if he gets to heaven and learns the Mormons weren’t right, at least he’ll have lived in a good and moral way.

There’s so much pressure to be perfect when you’re Mormon. Everything is black and white.

If you’re Mormon, you meet with your bishop. If you’re not Mormon, you still have to follow the honor code—no lying, drinking, sex before marriage, and so on—but you also need an endorsement from your religious leader or a bishop. The ecclesiastical endorsement is part of your application. You can’t go to BYU without it.

BYU is a culture shock for many reasons. Everyone is weirdly wholesome, almost childlike. People walk around singing Disney and church songs.

At preseason tennis practice, I’m not allowed to wear tank tops. And no one on our team can wear spandex in the weight room because it could be distracting for the guys. I’ve grown up competing in spaghetti straps and mini tennis skirts. The first time I try on my BYU-issued tennis skirt, it drives me crazy. I’m like, How am I supposed to play wearing this? I decide the best option is to roll it up.

My roommate is nice but a ...

Later that night, Dick assaults me in his room. He doesn’t take my virginity, but he does things that scar me and leave me feeling ashamed to this day; things I still haven’t told my husband or therapist about; things that shouldn’t happen to anybody.