The One That Got Away

by Mike Gayle

my poor dad didn’t have anyone really, apart from me and Derek – and even at our best we weren’t exactly a replacement for the love of a good woman.

reason I don’t believe in love, or to be more accurate, I suppose, “romantic” love. I believe people can like each other and want to spend time with each other . . . but all that stuff about being together forever? I don’t know, it feels a bit like a work of fiction, a lie we tell ourselves to make life more palatable. A way of explaining the kind of temporary chemical craziness that comes over people when they get together. It’s just molecules breaking apart and forming new bonds, it’s hormones playing tricks on us to fool us into keeping the species alive, and sooner or later it wears off.’

She needs therapy.

but is there a chance that we’ll split up? Of course there is, people split up every day. It’s just how it is and no amount of “believing” in everlasting love is going to make any difference.’

‘Well, that’s you and your experience, and she’s talking about her and her experience.

This could be why I don't like this guy. He's obsessed and wants to fit Beth into his fantasy of her, or maybe into his experience off her. But does he really know her?

instead, as I sat across from her, it dawned on me that what I had right here was an opportunity – a chance to change her mind and prove to her once and for all that love really could last forever.

Yep. It's official. I hate him. Because he is going further into a relationship to prove a point. Not to be with her, but to be "right."

for the first time ever I allowed myself to relax.

Ding ding ding, Reuben. That means she didn't relax with YOU.

Of course she loved me. Everything about the way she acted told me that she did. So why was she being so obstinate? Why was she refusing to admit it?

Does it have to be that word though? She obviously cares about him deeply. She probably loves him, but the word is a wall for her. Why does she have to act the same, rather than real and authentic care?

And every time she did something lovely and kind, like surprising me with tickets to see my favourite band or going with me to see the kind of film she hated, full of gun battles and explosions, without complaining, I kept my ‘I love you’ inside.

But if love is something you do, she's doing it. I know from A and B how badly we want to hear the words back. How hurt and how frustrated we feel. Those are our feelings and can't be forced onto another person.

as long as it gets me the result I so desperately want.

Still awful.

It’s like I wasn’t seeing you for you,

Or, in our situation, you’re perfect, but I just wish you believed in love the way I believe in it.’

I wasn’t seeing you, and worse still, I wasn’t allowing you to see me.

Still don't like him but he is getting the point.

And that maybe, truthfully, I’d been in love more with the idea of her than the reality all along.